


Space Invader II: A Very Darko Sequel

by Devereauxs_Disease



Series: Space Invader [5]
Category: Adam (2009), Charlie Countryman (2013), Hannibal (TV), Hannibal Extended Universe - Fandom, Spacedogs - Fandom
Genre: Adam and Nigel are in love, Beverly Katz is the Best, But can she put up with these boys?, But is he ready for one?, Darko is tired of looking at them, Darko needs a girlfriend, F/M, Hannibal Extended Universe, M/M, Nigel and Adam decide to help, Poor Darko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-08-19 10:17:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 70,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8201668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devereauxs_Disease/pseuds/Devereauxs_Disease
Summary: Nigel goes to Romania to finalize his divorce. The more time Darko spends with Adam, the more he realizes he wants the type of domestic bliss Adam and Nigel have found. Can Darko find a nice lady and settle down? With Nigel and Adam advising him, what could go wrong?





	1. Hot Fucking Mess

**Author's Note:**

> You guys! It's finally here! I'm in the middle of two hellish weeks as far as my schedule, so I'll be behind with responding to comments, but I'm here guys.  
> Anyway, it would help if you read the rest of the series, but here's the basics: Darko and Nigel are now partners in a successful security company, and completely out of the drug business. Darko is hanging out with Adam while Nigel is off in Romania finalizing his divorce from Gabi. In between mac n cheese and skype chats with Nigel, Darko meets a girl. Can he find the same domestic bliss his friends have found? Can he avoid overhearing Nigel and Adam having skype sex? Only one of those things is possible.

         Darko missed having tits in his face. There was a time when he and Nigel were true Romanian terrors. They spent their nights with nostrils full of coke and faces full of pussy, like fucking men. Now, instead of a hot piece of ass, he was stuck in Nigel’s apartment, sharing polite dinners with Adam and watching some show where twat actors talked about their twat acting.  

         He poked at his chicken and broccoli with a dour face, watching as Adam chatted on the phone. He didn’t mind having dinner with the kid 5 nights a week, but fucking Nigel just had to call during dinner every night. And Christ did he mind these phone calls.

         “I’m wearing a sweater and khakis, Nigel,” Adam looked confused. Darko let his eyes fall closed. He used to be so fucking cool.

         “What do you mean that’s not sexy? Nigel, why would I want to look sexy for Darko?”

         Darko needed a drink, some blow, and a willing woman. He’d earned it after a week of this nonsense.

         “Oh, are you trying to initiate phone sex?” Adam was pacing the kitchen now, and Darko was just about done. “You know I don’t like phone sex, it’s too abstract of a concept and you embellish too much… I miss you too, I masturbated thinking of you this morning… No, I didn’t film it, but I suppose I could. Well, I’m still eating dinner, but in a few hours maybe? Where should I film? The bedroom lights aren’t optimal for the phone’s camera, but in the bathroom, I’m afraid I’ll drop the phone-”

         Darko snatched the cell from Adam, holding up a finger when the younger man opened his mouth to protest.

         “-so fucking hot. Will you finger yourself for me, gorgeous?”

         “No, nenorocitule. I’m not going to tell you about my sexy panties, either.”

         “Jesus FUCK!” There were scrabbling sounds on the other end of the phone. “Ce pusca mea, Darko! I had my fucking hand on my dick!”

         “What are you doing with the other four fingers?”

         “Fuck you! Put fucking Adam back on the-”

         “We’re having dinner. Like you asked. And I’m sorry you’re lonely over there, and I hope the divorce comes through soon, but it’s not my fault Gabi is fighting you on this.” Darko heard a grumble. “If you call one more time during dinner and make me listen to this bullshit, I swear to god I’m going to take Adam to a gay club and text you pictures of him dancing in the glitter parade or whatever it is that they do.”

         “I’m not gay, I’m bisexual.” Adam offered from the kitchen table.

         “Fine, I’m taking you to my club and you can grind on whatever fucking crotch you want to.” Darko rolled his eyes. “Now, nenorocitule, I’m going back to my boiled chicken and fucking listening to Julia motherfucking Roberts talk about getting emotionally ready to be a whore or some shit. Call back later.”

         Darko hung up before Nigel could respond.

         “I didn’t get to say goodbye!” Adam glared at Darko as the bigger man sat back at the table.

         “So tell him in an hour when he calls back.” Darko forked a mouthful of chicken. Adam glared at Darko but pressed play on the Julia Roberts thing and went back to his food. They sat in companionable silence, for a few beats watching a clip from Roberts’ whore movie. His mother had liked that movie, told him in America even whores got rich husbands. 

         “Do you think Nigel would like those?” Adam asked, pointing at Julia zipping up her thigh highs.

         “The boots or the tits, Cosmo?”

         “Fuck you, shit bird.”

         Darko leaned to the side, knocking Adam’s shoulder.

         “That was a good one, man,” Darko whispered. Adam smiled wide.

         “But would he like the boots? I’m trying to think of a way to welcome him home.”

         Darko clenched his jaw and tried not to grind his teeth.

         “Cosmo, what’s the rule?”

         “No smoking in the house. No hitting people unless they hit you first. No drug dealing. No-”

         “Not Nigel’s rules – my rules. What are my rules?”

         “No fucking where Darko can see. No dry-humping where Darko can see. No moaning in the next room,” Adam paused to take a breath. “No sex on or with objects Darko touches regularly. And never tell Darko anything about our sex life unless someone’s cock is stuck or someone is bleeding.”

         Darko raised a brow.

         “I just wanted to make his homecoming special.”

         “Adam, you could cover yourself in shit and he’d still be thrilled.” Darko muttered. “He only went to Romania so he’d never have to leave you again, Cosmo.”

         A small hand patted his knee.

         “Thank you.”

         “Shut the fuck up and watch your whore show.”

* * *

         When the phone rang at 7:05, Darko threw his arm over his face and grunted.

         “What, Cosmo?”

         “Good morning, Darko! I wanted to ask if it would be rude if I had dinner alone tonight?”

         Darko sat up in bed.

         “What’s wrong? Do you need something? Did you and Nigel have a fight? Should I come over?” Darko was already groping for pants, trying to get his sleep addled brain to cooperate.

         “I’m fine, we went to the market Wednesday, I have plenty of food. But Nigel wanted to have a dinner date tonight.”

         “From Romania?”

         “Using Skype. I thought we could have dinner and then watch each other masturbate.”

         Darko fell back on his bed, ears burning.

         “I fucking hate you sometimes, Cosmo.”

         “But that’s why I didn’t want you to come over! You got so upset the last time you saw our toys-”

         “You know what? Thanks for calling, Cosmo,” Darko paused, scrunching his face. “Have a, uh, good time? And never ever tell me about it.”

         “OK! Bye Darko. I’ll see you for dinner tomorrow.”

         “Bye, Kid.”

* * *

         As Darko yanked another giggling girl onto his lap, he determinedly did not think about Nigel and Adam. His blood was up, the blow always did that, but something just wasn’t right. The tits in his face were nice, jiggly even, but it just didn’t seem as awesome as it used to.

         He pressed his face into Amber’s neck. Or was it Angel? Angela? Fuck it, it didn’t matter. She smelled like sickly sweet perfume and hairspray. Adam would hate her, wrinkle his nose and cough until Nigel scared her away.

          _Why the fuck did he think of that?_

         Why was he thinking about lazy Sunday nights in Adam and Nigel’s apartment? Drinking beer and watching a footie match on the DVR, yelling at the TV with Nigel while Adam quietly read. Dinner would be mac n cheese for Adam and whatever Nigel scrounged up for them, he’d bring a dessert, handmade because his mother would fly around the world to hit him if she ever found out he bought a cake instead of making one. It was boring. It was stupid.

         It certainly wasn’t tits in your face and loud throbbing music. That’s what he’d been missing. Back before Nigel had been neutered by a blue-eyed boy, they had had so much fun. Sure, most nights Nigel started a fight. And sure, Darko usually woke up with a throbbing skull and a blonde that tasted like cigarettes, but it was fucking fun. 

_Wasn’t it?_

         This was absolutely what he was fucking missing in his life. Fuck Cosmo and Nigel and quiet dinners and laughter. This was the best.

         “Wanna fuck in the bathroom?”

         “Huh?” Darko squinted at Angela/Amber. She was bouncing on his lap, glittery cleavage catching the dim lights.

         “Wanna fuck?”

_Not really._

_Wait. What?_

         Darko shook his head and allowed himself to leer, hand grabbing at the pert flesh of Angela/Amber’s round ass.

         “Let’s fucking go, gorgeous.” With a swat he sent her scurrying to the bathroom. He followed slowly, hoping he hadn’t done enough blow to give him limp dick.

* * *

         A man murmuring that he had to go and poking him with a foul smelling mop finally brought Darko back to consciousness. His face was stuck to the floor, in a puddle of what he dearly hoped was a spilled drink. His limbs ached, muscles cramping as his system worked the booze and the coke from his blood stream.

         When he finally cracked an eye, he looked up at an older man who was wielding a mop and a bucket.

         “You’re not supposed to be here. I clean, you go.”

        “Fucking fine, get that away from me,” Darko swatted at the mop, glaring at the older man. He scrubbed at the side of his face, trying to get the sticky substance off of his jaw.

         As he started to move, a weight held on his legs prevented him from moving. A whine made him turn, too fast for his hungover skull. There was Angela/Amber, tits hanging out of her dress, drooling on his shoe. 

         “We going home?”

         “I’m going home, I don’t know where the fuck you’re going.”

         Darko scrambled to get up, his stomach protesting the rapid movements bitterly. He took a minute, focusing on breathing through his nose. The girl pulled herself upright. Whatever was sticking to Darko’s face had matted her hair to the side.

         “You’re grumpy in the morning, huh, old man?”

         Darko sneered. He patted his pockets – wallet, phone, cigarettes, all the essentials still there.

         “Look, Angela, we fucked in a bathroom, you’re lucky if I paid for your drinks.”

         “My name is Lucy and you’re a lousy fucking lay!” 

         Darko winced, it was too fucking early for club skanks and yelling. If he had stayed home, he could have met Adam for breakfast and talked about the new client when Nigel called.

_Fuck. Was he getting old?_

         The sun was too fucking bright and he was pretty sure he was going to end up puking in an alley before he made it home. Great fucking morning. On the upside, his phone told him it was 7:20, plenty of time to go stand under the shower and hope that chick at the club hadn’t given him anything that would make his dick fall off. There was also a message from Adam, probably just a morning check in and update about Nigel. He’d wait until the kid called at noon to get the info.

         When he made it to the crosswalk, he leaned against the signal, promising himself he could die in two more blocks. He fished out a slightly crumpled Davidoff and lit it. He’d been trying to cut back since Nigel quit, but fuck he needed a smoke. He heard someone approach, which would normally make him tense, but at this point, he welcomed a faceless assassin that would end this hangover.

         “Long night, Casanova?”

         Darko squinted at a woman in workout clothes. She offered him a teasing smile, her eyes crinkling in laughter. She was pretty, but she was also jogging in place at the light, like an asshole.

         Nice ass, though.

         “What?” Darko’s voice was rough, like he drank fiberglass. The woman, who was still jogging in place for some dumb reason, just shrugged.

         “Nothing, just thought you should know you’ve got panties stuck to your leg.”

         Darko’s head dropped. There was a smear of glitter down his trousers that ended in a crumpled pink g-string crusted to the cuff. He shook his leg, the panties held firm. 

         “Good luck with that, big guy.” The woman winked and took off across the intersection. She was still laughing when she turned the corner.


	2. Healthy Fucking Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darko can't let go of his encounter with the jogger. Nigel and Adam decide to help Darko out - which is only mildly disastrous...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First thing's first: [HotSauce418](http://archiveofourown.org/users/HotSauce418/pseuds/HotSauce418) made this amazing pic for the fic. And I need you all to check it out. Also, check out HotSauce418, because Sauce has created some damn good fics. 
> 
> Alright guys, get ready to meet the girlfriend. I hope you like her, I really do...

         “I mean who the fuck does that bitch think she is?” Darko glared at Nigel. Apparently, Adam told Nigel that he still needed to practice on Skype, so all calls were going to be conducted that way from now on. He looked over at Nigel’s empty desk. They didn’t have to share an office, and they spent most of their days sniping at each other, but neither ever found the heart to move to the other vacant corner office.

         Nigel raised a brow. He looked tired. Jacking off all night with Adam probably took a toll on him.  

         “Two things,” Nigel said, sounding vaguely amused. “One, Adam said you were going to get mac n cheese at the store, did you pick it up? Two, you fucked a big-titted blonde in the bathroom of a club last night and all you want to talk about is a bitch who was mean to you this morning?”

         Darko waved his hand at the web cam.

         “Of course I got the mac n cheese, you fuck. Picked it up at lunch.”

         Nigel nodded, the silence between them stretched.

         “How’s Gabi?”

         “I’m meeting her tomorrow morning to talk about a final settlement, I think.” Nigel’s face was pinched.

         “She fucking with you?”

         “She sat in our warehouse for six hours, what the fuck do you think?”

         Darko sighed.

         “I fucking explained what happened. Fuck, you even sent her back first class. Don’t tell me she’s still pissed.”  

         “She’s back with the fish-faced fucker again, because he appreciates her.” Nigel grumbled. “So he’s at every fucking meeting with those wide dumb eyes and that fucking belief that he should express his fucking feelings every ten minutes.”

         “Americans.”

         “Americans, what fucks.” Nigel stretched his neck. “Except for Adam the whole fucking country could burn.”

         “Oh Em Gee! I have a right to say what I feel! I love my lattes! You have panties stuck to your pants!” Darko elongated his vowels in a crude approximation of a Valley Girl accent. “Just a bunch of cunts.” 

         Nigel’s head snapped up, he seemed to be studying the screen.

         “Was she pretty?” Nigel was smiling.

         “In a bitchy kind of way,” Darko grumbled.

         “We’re still not talking about the blonde are we, nenorocitule?”

         “Go fuck yourself.”

         “I had to last night. I need to buy Adam a better web camera, I couldn’t see shit off that tablet cam.”

         “Du-te în pizda mă-tii!”

         Nigel laughed, running a hand through his hair.

         “So if this jogging bitch had asked you to fuck in a bathroom?”

         “Can we drop it?”

         “I don’t think you fucking can, no.”

         “Fuck off, you fuck. I’m going to go feed your boyfriend.” Darko punched the disconnect button and glared at the blank screen.  

* * *

         Darko squinted into the sun. It was too early and too fucking bright. He looked at his watch, 7:13. There was no one on the street. He felt like an ass and thought for the third time that this was fucking stupid.

         At 6:30 in the morning, Adam had knocked on his door holding a travel mug of coffee. ****

“Here,” Adam said with a bright smile. Darko was barely able to grab the coffee that was thrust at him. He stood in threadbare boxers trying to understand what Cosmo was doing at his place. “Nigel said you would need this if you were going to wait for your jogging girl.”

         Darko leaned against the doorjamb, glaring at Adam. He hated that the kid wasn’t afraid of him, he was a scary fucking guy. 

         “Cosmo, I really don’t want to explain to Nigel why I killed you.”

         “You know, joggers regularly take the same route, if you’re going to see her again you should get your shit together,” Adam brushed past Darko. “Do you need help picking out an outfit?”

         “Fuck you, fuck Nigel, get the fuck out,” Darko snarled. Adam was already in the kitchen, retrieving the box of bran cereal Darko kept in case he hosted breakfast.

         Darko scraped his hand down his bristly face. He needed a shave, his eyes felt dry.

         “Adam?” He called. “Do you think the green sweater with my jeans?”

         Now, he leaned against the signal at their intersection, nursing his coffee and keeping his eyes peeled. It was 7:21, and he was just an asshole on a street corner.

         “No panties today?”

         Darko jumped. She was smiling at him. Sober, he had to admit she was fucking beautiful, with her dark hair bouncing in a ponytail and her laughing brown eyes. She patted him on the shoulder with a mock pout.  

         “Hey, we all strike out sometimes.”

         The light changed before he opened his mouth and she was gone.

* * *

         Darko used his key. He figured there wasn’t much of a danger of finding Nigel bent over the kitchen table while Adam rode him like a fucking cowboy with his best friend in Romania. Still, he paused in the foyer to listen for any moans or electronic buzzing that would signal Darko’s need for a hasty retreat and some alcohol.

         Besides, Adam should be expecting him, it was 6:45 and time to start fixing fucking dinner. Darko was going to bake some chicken breasts and firmly tell Adam that he and his boyfriend were fucking stupid and he was never going to talk about the jogging bitch again. No more texts, no more jogging emojis – and Jesus fuck knew when Nigel even found out about emojis – and no more encouraging calls from Adam about trying again tomorrow. He was fucking done.

         He heard Adam softly talking in the bedroom. Just the monotone of his normal voice, no breathy whimpers, thank Christ. He was probably talking to Nigel. Darko moved toward the bedroom, intending to duck his head in, say “hi” to Nigel and let Adam know he’d start dinner.

         Adam was curled on the bed, spooning with the tablet, his back to the door. Darko couldn’t see the screen, but the glow highlighted Adam’s curls and cheek as Nigel’s voice filled the room.

         “And then that cunt tells me she wants fucking alimony, because Charlie can’t find a fucking job! Who knew being useless didn’t fucking pay?”

         “You can’t call her a cunt, Nigel.” Adam admonished. “It’s rude and she’ll probably get mad.”

         “Bitch, then.” Nigel pouted.

         “Nigel, are you picturing your red balloon?”

         “I’m going to take that red balloon and shove it down her fucking throat.”

         “That would negate the point of the exercise, I think.”

         “Look, I’ve been a good fucking boy, Adam. I haven’t said shit, I haven’t called her anything but fucking Gabi, and I haven’t put my fist through fish-face’s fucking skull, no matter how much he deserves it.” Nigel took a deep breath, it sounded shaky. “I just sit here politely, digging my nails through my fucking palms, and let Darko’s fucking lawyer handle it. I haven’t even smoked, not once, gorgeous.”

         “I’m so proud of you.” Adam’s little voice sounded so fond, even Darko felt pride swell in his chest.

         “Fuck her, fuck fish-face and fuck this fucking country. I just want to come home.” Darko had never heard Nigel sound so tired. He wondered if he was sleeping at all.

         “I want you home, too.” Adam was fiddling with the blanket on the bed. “My schedule is still off, Darko is nice but I prefer your company, and masturbation isn’t as satisfying as having sex with you.”

         “You’re a fucking romantic at heart, you know that, Cosmo?” There was a pause before he added softly. “I fucking miss you.”

         Adam ducked his head, the silence stretched. The brunette in her blue jogging pants flashed before Darko’s eyes, he shook his head, annoyed with his brain for conjuring the image.

         “Lynn gave me new information for my tour.”

         “Well why the fuck didn’t you tell me, Cosmo? Have you practiced yet?” Nigel’s voice was brighter, it made Darko smile.

         “No, I practice with you.”

         “Well, let’s fucking practice, what the fuck else did they find in space?”

         Darko snickered as he watched Adam straighten up to his knees in bed, adjusting the screen so Nigel could see him and then adjusting his shirt so he looked professional.

         “Our astronomers have discovered a new Class M planet roughly-”

         “What’s a Class M planet? Is that like a black hole? Are we learning about black holes? Are there aliens? Have you seen an alien? Is there a bathroom? Do we get a snack?”

         Adam’s back grew rigid, his fingers drumming hard against his thighs.

         “I-uh. I-”

         The rocking started and Darko felt an impulse to go to the kid, put a hand on his shoulder.

         “Come on Cosmo, you know what to do.”

         Adam took a deep breath.

         “Clear my head and answer the questions.” His fingers were slowing as they drummed on his thighs.

         “And how do we clear our heads?”

         “Nigel…”

         “Say it, gorgeous. Please?”

         “Fuck these fucking cunts, I know my shit.”

         Nigel chuckled, the sound made Adam smile wide.

         “Ok, and after that, what?”

         “I take a deep breath and I answer the questions?”

         “How?”

         “Like I’m explaining it to you, when you’ve got your hand down my pants.”

         Nigel’s laugh was loud this time.

         “That’s fucking right, gorgeous, only pertinent information and small fucking words. Alright, keep going.”

         “The newest Class M planet that we’ve discovered is roughly 1.3 billion years old-”

         “Excuse me!” Nigel was using his nasal American voice. “Our lord Jesus invented the world last Tuesday, God Bless his soul!”

         “There is no proof that god-”

         “Adam.”

         Darko heard the kid sigh.

         “We’ve talked about this, Cosmo.”

         “Don’t challenge religion, no matter how scientifically unsound the theories behind it are,” Adam droned.

         “So what the fuck do you say?”

         “That’s very interesting, thank you.” Adam paused, and smiled. “As I was saying, our scientists have dated the planet-”

         Darko backed out of the room and headed for the kitchen, he’d let Cosmo work on his speech until dinner was ready. While he waited for the chicken to cook, Darko took out his phone and ordered new jogging shoes and shorts.

* * *

         Ten days. Ten fucking days and Darko was about ready to call the whole fucking thing. Every morning, Darko got up at the ass crack of dawn, showered, styled his hair, shaved, and struggled into a tight shirt and the joggers Adam had bought for him after listening to complaints about shorts and chafing. By 7:10 Darko would wander over to their corner and wait. 

         At 7:20, he’d try to pace her. By 7:40, he regretted ever looking at cigarettes. By 8, she was usually out of sight and he was wheezing, propped against a building and praying no one found him dead in skin tight pants. The whole fucking endeavor was clearly a waste.

         But on the first day, as she left him dying on the sidewalk she’s winked and said, “See you tomorrow.”

         And like an asshole he’d been there every day since.

         After five days, she’d started bringing him a water bottle. Adam told him that was encouraging. Nigel told him to stock up on condoms. All Darko wanted to buy at the store was muscle cream for his calves and ice for his swollen feet. She had a great ass, but he was about 80% sure she was killing him. He spent his quiet dinners with Adam listening raptly as the kid talked about proper jogging form and new stretches that could help Darko improve his stride. 

         Ten days later and Darko’s form was better, even if his breathing wasn’t. As Darko fell against a building to wheeze, he looked up. The best part of his morning was watching her ass as she sprinted away from him. But today, instead of a spandex clad slice of heaven, Darko saw her face when he looked up. She was barely winded, skin glowing just slightly as she waited for him to stop hyperventilating. The sun caught her teeth as she smiled and for a second Darko’s lack of breath had nothing to do with fucking jogging.

         “Doamne ajută!”

         “Well, you made it a mile before you started to look like you were crying,” she said, laying a hand on his shoulder. “You’ve earned buying me a coffee.”  

         “I…yeah…ok…fucking coffee.” He’d used smoother lines, but at this moment he was seeing spots and air was a rare commodity.

         “Fucking coffee,” The woman agreed. She offered him the rest of her water, he’d drained his ages ago. He took it, grunting his thanks as he guzzled. His breath had started to steady, and she was still there, watching him with amused eyes. “So what’s your name, big guy?”

         "I’m Darko.“

         She scoffed and kicked him lightly in the shin.

         "Uh, try again.”

         "What do you mean try again?“ He was feeling a little better, maybe even able to stand, but she was still throwing him off balance.

         "You want me to call you Dorko?”

         "Darko.“ He let out a slight grunt when she nudged him.

         "That’s not better.”

         "It’s my name.“ At least it had been since Nigel gave it to him when he was 14. Even fucking Adam called him Darko.

         "Your mother wrote Bingo on your birth certificate?”

         Perfect. Of course the nicest ass he’d ever seen would be attached to a ball-buster who thought she was funny.

         "Darko.“

         "Yeah, I’m not going to call you that. It sounds like you wear too much eyeliner and write poetry about your tortured soul.”

         Darko felt his mouth curling. He fought it.

         "It’s my name.“

         "Let me see your license.” She held out her hand and raised an eyebrow.

         He should tell her to fuck off, tell her he’d fucked prettier women with better tits in the last month, tell her that his name was fucking Darko and she would like it or fucking lump it.

         "…Phillip.“

         "What was that?”

         "Phillip. My legal name is Phillip.“

         "Phillip? You wanted me to call you Draino when you’ve got a perfectly good adult name?” She laughed and his heart did a funny little jump at the sound. “Dude, you’re more of a disaster than I thought. You’re going to need to buy me coffee and a doughnut.”

         She started to walk toward a coffee shop on the corner, turning to find Darko still frozen.

         “You coming?”

         Darko snapped to attention and jogged after her.

         “I get to buy you coffee-”

         “And a doughnut.”

         “…and a doughnut,” Darko could feel himself smiling like an idiot. “Do I get your name?”

         “Oh, I’m Light-O.” The woman offered him a toothy smile. Darko laughed, and nudged her with his shoulder.

         “Do I need to demand your license?”

         She held out her hand.

         “Beverly Katz.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK guys, so I'm officially offering everyone a ticket on the good ship Barko...any takers?
> 
>  **Translations:**  
>  _Du-te în pizda mă-tii_ \- Go Fuck Yourself!  
>  _Doamne ajută!_ \- Mother of god


	3. Beverly Fucking Katz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darko finds out that he's a bit rusty at the whole dating thing. Nigel starts to feel the distance between him and Adam.

         “So,” Beverly paused to sip her coffee as Darko tried his best not to fidget. “You’re a terrible runner, have a silly nickname, and an unfortunate relationship with panties. Did I miss anything?”

         “I also like buying coffee for mouthy Americans.” He tensed. God, his mother would kill him for talking to a woman that way.

         Bev laughed. His heart did another flip flop.

         “I’m only mouthy with giant men who chase me around town for weeks.” Bev ran her fingertip around the edge of her coffee cup, her eyes dancing. Something warm spiked in Darko’s gut and he knew he was in trouble.

         “I wasn’t chasing you, I was jogging.”

         “Dorko, that was not jogging, that was dying at a slow speed.”

         “Maybe you run too fast? No one likes a show off.”

         “Says the man in the skin tight jogging pants.” She raised an eyebrow at him. He smiled, at least she’d noticed. “Like most muscle bros, you spend all your time flexing and no time on cardio.”

         “I can run when I have to.” He was actually pretty speedy whenever the pigs were after him. He took a sip of his coffee and tried not to wince. Americans put so much fucking sugar in everything.

         “Hmm…not one for stamina? That’s disappointing.”

         Darko choked on his coffee, he felt it burn the back of his nostrils and hoped it didn’t spurt out his nose. 

         Beverly smiled wide. “Oh, you’re too easy, Phil.”

         “Did you just agree to coffee to watch me choke on it?”

         “Honestly? I wanted to know what was so great about me.” She took a gulp of coffee and raised her eyebrows, waiting.

         “What?”

         “Exactly. What about me is so great that you’d chase after me for…what? It’s been like 10 days now, right?”

          _You have the best ass I’ve ever seen._

Darko shook his head slightly. Probably best not to be too fucking honest about this.

         “You seemed like a nice person.” Bland, banal, and a total lie – perfect for chatting up a pissy woman.

         Bev cocked her head, something warm sparking in her eyes. “You thought I seemed nice?”

         "Yeah.“ Darko felt like he was being sized up. He didn’t like the sensation.

         "What specifically made me seem so nice?” Bev took a leisurely sip of her coffee. “When I pointed and laughed at you? Or when I made fun of you the next day?”

         "W-well, when we started running the, uh…same route, you brought me water.“ Sweat was pricking at the back of Darko’s neck. He felt the whole situation tilting sideways as Bev raised an eyebrow.

         "Your wheezing was drowning out my music. That wasn’t nice, it was self-preservation.”

         Darko glared at her, a muscle ticking in his jaw. He tried to picture a red balloon, but he just felt humiliation seep into his chest making his breathing thick. She was fucking mocking him. This whole fucking coffee exercise was just to make fun of him.

         "Apparently, I have a hard-on for difficult women with nice asses!“ It was loud, way too fucking loud. Several patrons turned to stare at what must be the worst coffee date in the history of time. He kept his eyes on the table, bracing for a slap or a face full of steaming latte.

         After a moment, he looked up. She was still studying him, crooked smirk affixed to her face.

         “You really do suck at this, huh?”

         Darko hunched over his coffee. He wanted to call Adam, go over what went wrong. Bev stood, stretching her back and giving Darko one last glimpse of that taut ass. 

         “Ok, well, I have to get ready for work.” Bev stared at him. Darko blinked. After a moment, Bev huffed, holding out her hand. “Dude, give me your phone.”

         He raised his eyebrows at her, mouth falling open. Bev rolled her eyes and snatched his phone off the table. She paused at his lock screen. It was a picture of Adam, Nigel, and himself at the Le Brea Tar Pits – he and Nigel had pretended to toss Adam over the rail while a mildly bewildered grandmother took the shot.

         Bev’s smile was small, but warm. She held out the phone for Darko to unlock, snatching it back the second the home screen appeared. 

         She typed something quickly, closed the screen, and tossed it back to him.

         “Thanks for the coffee, Phil.” She winked as she walked away, her ass swishing just a little. When she was out of sight he fumbled with his phone, clumsy fingers rushing to unlock it. He stared at his contact page, a lopsided grin curling his mouth. There, in recent entries, was a new number and a name.

          _Bev w/ Nice Ass_

* * *

         “Can you fucking believe her?” Darko glanced between Adam’s bewildered frown and Nigel’s smirking face on the tablet. He speared more macaroni and forked it into his mouth. “Breaks my balls for 20 fucking minutes then puts her fucking number in my phone.”

         “There’s no need to be upset, I can delete the contact for you.” Adam picked up Darko’s phone and entered the lock code. Darko snatched at his phone while Nigel laughed. Adam recoiled, shooting Darko a reproachful look as he grabbed his frosted mug and took a sip.

         “Careful gorgeous, you try to delete that number again you’ll lose a hand.”

         Adam glared at the screen, then turned to Darko. “If she’s rude and you don’t like her, why not just delete the number? Or you could call her and tell her you don’t want to see her again.”

         Darko opened his mouth to explain, then shrugged. He took a long pull from his sarsaparilla bottle.

         On the tablet, Nigel rolled his eyes.

         “It’s a thing NTs do, darling.” Nigel grinned. “It’s fucking foreplay to them.”

         “Why would this be foreplay? How is this arousing to anyone?” Adam appealed to Darko.

         “I-it just fucking is.” Darko shrugged. “She busts my balls with a smile and-”

         “And he spent the rest of the day with tight fucking pants and a goofy grin.”

         “Sugi pula!” Darko snarled.

         “I might fucking have to, you can’t close the deal with Barbie.”

         “Beverly.”

         “This whole process seems unnecessarily confusing,” Adam muttered, mouth forming a moue.

         “It is, gorgeous, and fucking annoying too.” Nigel grinned. “That’s why I found myself a darling who says what the fuck he wants.”

         “If no one says what they want, wouldn’t sex be unsatisfying?”

         “You have no fucking idea, Cosmo.”

         Adam smiled and leaned on the kitchen table, closer to the tablet. Darko watched as his best fucking friends made digital moony eyes at each other. Christ, he needed someone else to spend time with. 

         Darko cleared his throat, which barely drew Adam’s glance.

         “Before you fuckers forget I’m here and take out your dicks, can I just get your fucking opinion on this?” Darko worried the corner of his phone case. “Should I call her?”

         “Call her?” Nigel huffed. “What are you, fucking 80? You wait four fucking days and then send her a text.”

         “Why wait?” Adam cocked his head.

         “You look fucking desperate otherwise.”

         “You texted me 7 minutes after I gave you my number.”

         “Well, he was fucking desperate, Cosmo.” Darko’s mouth wound into a crooked grin.

         Nigel shoved his middle finger toward the camera.

         “At least I didn’t take up fucking jogging.” The tablet picked up the slight flush on Nigel’s cheeks. 

         “No, you took up fucking astrology.”

         “Astronomy,” Nigel and Adam corrected in tandem.

         Darko blinked at them.

         “I’m texting her now, I need to get the fuck away from you two.”

         Darko opened his phone, fumbling slightly with shaking fingers. He pulled up the number, his heart hammering in his chest. He looked up to Adam.

         “What should I text?” Nigel opened his mouth and Darko glared at the screen. “Fucking Cosmo. I want Cosmo to answer. I listen to you and I won’t be getting laid until next year.”

         Nigel made the _jack off_ gesture at the camera. Adam schooled his features. He had serious steps for all social interactions and hopefully he had some for this situation. 

         “First, identify yourself. Then, you should tell her you had a nice time at coffee. Then you ask if she would like to get dinner.” Adam forked a bite of mac n cheese into his mouth, steps complete. 

         Darko’s finger hovered over the contact. His thumb twitched, hitting the call button.

         “FUCK!” Darko dropped the phone.

         “What the fuck just happened?” Nigel’s face filled the screen, squinting into the camera. “Gorgeous? You ok?”

         “Darko hit the call button.” Adam watched Darko recover the phone and bump his head on the kitchen table as he came up.

         Darko moved to end the call.

         “Stop!” Nigel’s voice was loud, he was still too close to the camera. “Your number’s already registered to her phone, it’ll look fucking weird if you hang up now.” 

         Darko closed his eyes, heart fluttering as he listened to the playback music. _Was that The Who?_ He forced air into his lungs, when he heard the music stop.

         “Hello? Dr. Katz speaking.”

         Darko shoved his palm over the phone, looking up with frantic eyes.

         "She’s a fucking doctor?” Darko could hear Nigel’s loud barks of laughter over the ringing in his ears.

         "Good, because you’re fucking dying,” Nigel cackled.

         Adam frowned, reaching forward and hitting the mute button on the tablet.

         "You should probably say something,” Adam instructed. “That’s the fourth time she’s said _hello._ “

         On the tablet, Nigel looked pissed. He was waving and pressing buttons on his laptop, trying to get off mute. Darko drew a breath and raised the phone to his ear, still watching Nigel’s bizarre pantomimes.

         "Hi, this is Dar-uh-Phillip.” He winced at his words. Why the fuck did he do this?

         "Phillip? OH! Phillip. You called me? Old school! That’s so cute.“ Her voice was warmer than he remembered. “What’s up?”

         What was up? His mind went blank.

         “I, uh,” Adam nodded at him encouragingly. Darko felt like he was drowning. What the fuck was he doing asking out a doctor?

         “Phillip?”

         Nigel held up a piece of paper with _cină_ written in large block letters. 

         “Dinner. Um, I wanted to know if you were free for dinner?” His voice sounded strained.

         “Uh, not tonight, but I could do Friday.” He could hear her smile and it made breathing a bit easier. “Does that work?”

         “Yeah, that’s – that would be great.” Something unwound in Darko’s chest and he smiled at the phone. The silenced stretched. 

         “So…where we going, Phil?”

         “Roy’s?” Darko had taken the Serbs there after a big deal, the food was good and it was fairly quiet.

         “I love Roy’s, good call. I’ll see you around 8?”

         Darko’s brain was starting to come back online. In the distance, he could hear his mother’s voice _always pick a lady up for dinner._

         “Do you, uh, need me to pick you up?”

         “I’ll meet you there, maybe you can give me a ride home if things go well.” On the tablet, it looked like Nigel had fallen over laughing. Darko hated Nigel.

         “Ok, I’ll see you at 8.”

         “It’s a date.” The word _date_ made his stomach clench as the call ended. He had a fucking date. He hadn’t had a date since…Gabi’s slut friend from Budapest? Fuck, he was screwed.

         Adam reached over and unmuted Nigel. “You can talk again.”

         “You’re supposed to be on my fucking side, Cosmo,” Nigel whined.

         “You were being rude,” Adam admonished. “Besides, Darko and I have to go, we should plan his date.”

         “Go? Gorgeous, we had plans-”

         “We can masturbate later, Nigel.” Darko cringed at the phrase but Adam rested his hand on Darko’s shoulder. “I think Darko would like to talk about the date now. We could run scenarios if you like.”

         Darko shrugged, then nodded. Adam turned back to the tablet.

         “We should discuss his outfit, too. I’ll call you when I wake up!” 

         Nigel sighed and nodded, his face blinking out on the screen.          

                                                  

* * *

         Nigel spent 15 minutes mentally filling red balloons. Darko and Cosmo were off picking out clothes and going over fucking dinner conversations. And once again, he was left holding his dick. 

         For two weeks his world had been the walls of the hotel, glares from Gabi, shitty café food, and webcam sex with Cosmo. He woke up every night, reaching for Adam, hard and fucking alone. He needed to get out. He needed to do something to distract him from the fact that the love of his fucking life was gleefully bustling around with Darko while Nigel listened to Gabi and fish-face call him fucking scum. Adam was running fucking scenarios with Darko now, next he’d start practicing his tours with Darko - it wasn’t like he even needed to come back. 

         He glanced at the clock, 6am. She’d be up. He went over to the hotel phone and dialed.

         “Bună ziua!” He smiled at her voice, he’d fucking missed that throaty timbre.

         “Hello Constanța, how are you, gorgeous?”

         “Nigel? Nigel! How are you my darling?”

         “I’m in town and I thought maybe I could steal you for dinner tonight.”

         “You can always steal me away, you terrible thing.” Nigel smiled into the phone, if he closed his eyes, he could see her in her silk robe, probably pouring her third cup of coffee by now. “Do you need the address?”

         “I remember. Be ready at 7, ok, gorgeous?”

         When he hung up, Nigel noticed a text from Adam.

          _Sorry we couldn’t masturbate together. I miss you._

Nigel ran his thumb over the words, his chest aching.

          _I miss you too, Cosmo._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations:**  
>  _Sugi pula!_ \- suck my dick!  
>  _cină_ \- dinner  
>  _Bună ziua!_ \- hello


	4. Be Yourself, Asshole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nigel gives a pep talk. Adam offers conversation topics. Darko prays he doesn't fuck up this date.

         “If I casually mention that I’m pulling in 6 figures-”

         “You’ll sound like a fucking twat.” Nigel was dressed up. Normally, when Darko talked to him in the morning Nigel was sitting in his boxers with a box of takeout. Today, he wore his black suit with a white shirt, his hair combed.

         Darko tapped the side of his coffee, sighing.

        “What am I supposed to say to her _I used to be a dealer but now I install security cameras for a living?_ ” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “She’s a fucking doctor.”

         “Who the fuck cares?” Nigel waved his hand at the screen. “She’s probably isn’t a cool fucking doctor. I bet she spends her day poking at assholes. It’s why she likes you.” 

         “Why do I fucking talk to you?” He glared at Nigel’s smug face. Nigel glanced down and frowned.

         “I’m sure you and Adam have prepped fucking beautifully for this date. So I just want to tell you to be yourself.”

         “What?”

         “You’re a smart-mouthed fuck with a good fucking brain. Don’t let her run all over you because she has a nice ass. Show her who you are.” Nigel rolled his eyes slightly. “She’ll like you.”

         Darko smiled wide.

         “How long have you had a crush on me, Nigel? Since we were kids?”

         “Fuck you, you limp-dicked fuck! I was trying to be encouraging.”

         “Because you like me, just the way I fucking am.”

         “You fucking got me, I’m secretly pining for you every night when I’m in bed next to the most gorgeous creature on this fucking planet.” Nigel sneered. “I have a real thing for lumpy fucking faces and hairy asses.”

         “I knew you cared.”

         Nigel made the _jack off_ sign, then looked at his watch.

         “I’ve got a thing soon, I got to go.”

         “What fucking thing? What about our morning meeting? Is that why you’re so fucking dressed up?”

         “I’ve got a fucking thing. Fuck off.”

         “Is Adam ok with that?”

         “I’m a grown fucking man. I do what I want.”

         “So, you already asked Adam’s permission.”

         “Fuck you.”

         “That Cosmo would have a problem with.” Darko smirked as Nigel flipped him off. “I need to talk to you about the blueprints for the new client, you fucking promised you’d do them this week, man.”

         “I did. Attached them to an email this morning.”

         “You? How the fuck did you figure out how to do that, nenorocitule?”

         “Adam showed me how to attached shit to my emails,” Nigel said with a smile. “I sent you the plans with my notes.”

         Apparently, you could teach an old dog new tricks. All it took was big blue eyes and the ability to put your leg over your head, evidently. Darko held a finger up and pulled up his email. 

         “Got it.” Darko scrunched his face. “Why did you send it in picture files?”

         “Picture files?” Nigel’s eyes went wide. “DON’T FUCKING OPEN THOSE.” 

         Darko closed his eyes. Adam fucking Raki was going to die for teaching Nigel how to turn on his computer.

         “I’ll send you the file, I just need to call Adam.”

         “Nigel? If I open up a file and don’t see blueprints, I’m printing them and putting them in the fucking breakroom.”

         “You should be so fucking lucky to have a cock that beautiful on the goddamn-”

         Darko hung up.

                                                  

* * *

         Bev poked her steak and wondered if the giant slab of a man across from her ever shut the fuck up. So far, she had heard about his successful business, his suit, and his opinions on AN10, which was apparently an asteroid that will fly past Earth in 2027. It had been…weird.

         She had a feeling he was a nervous talker, because he barely made eye contact as he rambled through topics, distractedly forking sous vide lamb into his mouth between breaths. When he started on a tangent about the Juno probe, she heard the name again, and she saw her chance to get a word in edgewise.

         She grabbed Darko’s hand, smiling softly when he jumped. He blue eyes looked spooked. 

         “That’s the third time you mentioned Cosmo, is he your brother?”

         “Sort of.” Darko shrugged. He showed Bev his lock screen, tapping on the man with the wide blue eyes. “He’s my best friend Nigel’s boyfriend…Actually, I guess he’s my best friend too.”

         Beverly studied the image. She noted Darko’s smile – big, goofy, and boyish. She wanted to get that smile tonight, instead of listening to another lecture on space rocks. 

         “He works at Mount Wilson Institute, which is why I’ve been talking about space shit for thirty fucking minutes.” He rubbed the back of his neck, face flushing. “If I don’t talk to him about space, he and Nigel end up making out and I end up drinking.”

         Bev smiled. He really was fucking cute.

         “I get it, my best friends are together too. We all worked together in Virginia.” She scrunched her nose. “One time, I was trying to get a precise ID on these carpet fibers, and I hear this weird noise. I look over, and my keyboard is melting. Bryan had tried to sweep Jimmy off his feet and swept sulfuric acid across my goddamn desk.”

         Darko barked a laugh, covering his eyes.

         “We eat Sunday dinner together every week, right? Well, three times I’ve walked in on them, uh… setting the table.” Darko raised an eyebrow. 

         “Oh Christ, seriously?” Bev made a face. She took another sip of her aviation and giggled. “You know, Jimmy and Bryan have a code for sex. They used to say they were _checking reports_. Every time I heard that I knew to avoid Jimmy’s office.”

         “You got a code? I’d fucking kill for a code!” Darko leaned in, lowering his voice. “Cosmo has Asperger’s Syndrome, so he doesn’t really do subtle or, you know, quiet. Nine times out of fucking ten I’m having a great day with these assholes, out eating lunch or at a museum and Cosmo just says _I think I want to top tonight, Nigel, I’m still sore from yesterday._ And fucking Nigel just says _anything you want gorgeous, as long as I get to suck your cock._ You have no idea how many museum security guards I’ve had to fucking talk to.”

         Beverly squawked, flushing when she drew the attention of the other diners. She leaned toward Darko, realizing belatedly just how close that put them. He smelled really good, like expensive cologne and citrusy soap. She shook her head, trying to recall how words worked.

         “Wait. Does Nigel have Asperger’s too?”

         “No, he’s just an asshole.” 

         They both laughed at the same time, and Bev ran her fingers softly over Darko’s hand.

         “We need better friends.” Her voice was soft, filling the scant space between them. Darko’s blue eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled at her, she felt her stomach clench at the expression. 

         “We really fucking do.”

                                                  

* * *

         Instead of calling an Uber, Bev allowed Darko to drive her home. She was curious to see if he’d try to get up to her apartment, but he planted himself on her steps, eyes on his feet and hands fidgeting. It reminded her of every date she’d had in high school, and she wondered just how many proper dates he’d been on.

         She stood a stair above him, an impatient and far too old for this shit Juliet. She was tempted to just leave his ass and go inside, but fuck he had a cute smile.

         “SO,” Bev said finally. She tried not to laugh when he looked up, startled. “We doing this again, Phil?”

         “Yeah, yeah we should.” His smile was small. “Maybe dinner and a movie next time?”

         “Or, we could do something fun.” She raised a challenging eyebrow. “You ever shot a gun?”

         Darko’s expression clouded for a moment.

         “Not for fun.”

          _Well, that was interesting_.

         Bev decided to put a pin in that for later.

         “Well, um, I’m a member of the Los Angeles Gun Club – want to meet me on Wednesday around 5 for some target practice?”

         Darko bobbed his head emphatically. Bev smiled.

         “I’ll pick you up here, then?”

         “Ok.”

         “Ok. See you then.” He turned and started for his car.

          _Was he seriously going?_

         With a sigh, Bev stepped forward, snagging his blue silk tie and yanking him back. Darko made a surprised choking noise before he found himself nose to nose with Bev. She closed her eyes, tilted her head and pressed her lips to his.    

         It took Darko a five count to respond. His lips were soft and dry, but they pressed hotly against hers, his tongue swiping along the seam of her lips. Large hands wrapped around her, and she gasped when she felt herself tipping back. She threaded her hand into his hair, pulling him closer as his tongue explored her mouth.

          _Well, fuck._

         They broke apart, panting. Bev noted that his hands were still clutched in the soft cotton of her dress, her own hand was still gripping his tie. For a moment she considered tightening her hold and dragging him upstairs. But she had an 8am meeting and a sneaking suspicion that she’d need to sleep in after a night with those big hands and broad shoulders. 

         She released the tie, shaky hand patting his chest. He looked unsteady, pupils wide and a little unfocused.

         “Ok, Dorko,” She was a little too breathless to sound coy. “Now you can go.”

         She could hear him laughing as she walked into her building. Bev took a moment to roll her eyes at the ridiculous smile on her face.

                                                  

* * *

         “I’m sorry gorgeous, I can’t do our, uh, usual call tonight,” Nigel balanced the phone on his shoulder as he entered the elevator. “I miss you too. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you, Adam”

         Nigel ended the call and smiled at Constanța.

         “He sounds sweet,” She offered with a smile. They walked down the hallway towards Nigel’s room.

         “Way too fucking good for me.” Nigel held the door open.

         “Who isn’t?” Constanța offered over her shoulder.

         “Fuckin’ typical,” Nigel laughed, hanging the _Do Not Disturb_ sign on the door.


	5. Point and Shoot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nigel tries to be a good friend. Darko tries to be a good date. Bev is a bit of a gun nut. And Adam does his best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive thanks are due to [Mwuahna](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Mwuahna/pseuds/Mwuahna) for the excellent photoshop.

         Nigel woke with a stiff neck and two weathered blue eyes peering at him. He tried to straighten up and felt a tight pull in his back. Constanța smiled, sipping a coffee.

         “You’re too old to sleep on floors anymore, Nigel.” She brushed the hair out of his eyes and patted his cheek.

         “Well, you weren’t going to spend one more night in that fucking dump,” Nigel grumbled. “I’m going to break that fucking landlord’s spine when I fucking find him.”

         “Come, I’ve ordered breakfast,” Constanța said fondly. “You’ll need your strength if you’re going to be breaking spines all day.”

         Nigel grinned and struggled to his feet, his knees cracking for his trouble. He was far too old for this. Constanța laughed lightly, blue eyes sparkling as she offered him a hand. Her skin was growing thin with age, but the strength - earned over years of cleaning offices and factories – was still in her limbs.

         Once he was up, Nigel kissed her hand. They sat on the bed where a tray of balmoş and steaming espresso waited. He played with the tie of her tattered silk robe as she fixed him a plate. He had missed these breakfasts, but he missed rapidly fluttering blue eyes, fluffy brown curls, and the sound of bran cereal crunching more.

         “So,” Constanța said as she drank her espresso. “You’ve told me about your boy. Will I ever get a chance to meet him?”

         Nigel smiled around a mouthful of food.

         “Only if you promise to be nicer to him than you were to Gabi.”

         “I was right about that one.”

         “You were, darling.” Nigel toasted her with his cup. “If you want to meet him, I’m going to video chat him in 45 minutes.”

         Constanța stood, smoothing her hair. “I’ve got to fix my face if I’m going to be on video.”

         “You look gorgeous as ever, eat your breakfast.” Nigel raised an eyebrow at her stormy look. “If you don’t, I won’t tell you about Darko’s girl.”

         “Labagiu!” She swatted Nigel’s arm. “When were you going to tell me my son was seeing someone?”

* * *

         “Alright Dorko,” Bev said as she pulled the passenger seat forward to deposit three black cases in the back of the Challenger. “What’s a girl gotta do to drive this car?”

         “Stop calling me Dorko.” Darko leaned into the steering wheel to get a better angle on Bev’s ass as she adjusted the cases.

         Shoving the seat back, Bev made a show of considering the offer. “Hmmmm, 1970 Dodge Challenger or giving you shit…it’s a tough call. Can I get back to you?”

         Darko rolled his eyes. When Bev was buckled into the seat, Darko held out a box, keeping his eyes forward. Bev studied him for a moment, his jaw clenched and shoulders high, he looked like he could pull the steering wheel straight off the vintage ride.

         The box contained a strip of leather with a cheap metal charm on it. She pulled the necklace out of the box and saw that the lump of silver metal was a microscope. It was juvenile, a little ugly, and overwhelmingly sweet. Bev bit the inside of her lip and raised an eyebrow at Darko.          

         “I know it’s stupid, but I saw it at the flea market when I took Cosmo and…” Darko risked a glance at her, but snapped his head back immediately when he caught her eye. He shrugged helplessly. “I don’t fucking know.”

         “It’s completely stupid,” She agreed. “And possibly the nicest thing anyone’s ever given me.”

         Bev leaned over and pecked his cheek. She traced the dark flush creeping up his jaw. His shoulders relaxed and his mouth ticked into the boyish grin that crinkled his eyes. She pulled the necklace over her head and quietly studied the charm, smiling to herself, for the rest of the drive. 

* * *

         Nigel had run out of red balloons. He’d been a good boy for so fucking long, it felt nice to let the rage wash over him for once. He thought of Gabi and her fish-faced fucking boyfriend glaring at him across the table at the settlement meetings. He thought of the taste of cigarettes and the fact that he couldn’t have one even now, thousands of miles away from California, because fucking Adam would somehow know. He thought of Darko cuddling with Cosmo on the couch, proving to his beautiful darling that Nigel was in fact replaceable. He let the anger pump through his heart, spidering into his veins and finally into his fists as he pummeled the greasy fuck who had let Constanța’s apartment fall into squalor.

         She had tried to hide the place from him when he picked her up for dinner, but he was feeling nostalgic for all the years he spent on the small sofa in the living room, feet dangling off the tattered arm rest and head tilted at a funny angle. He dodged her attempt to block him and waltzed into the first home he’d ever known. The linoleum in the kitchen was cracked and peeling, black mold crept from a corner in the living room toward the floor, large swaths of plaster cracked and flaked from the walls.

         She’d been fixing the problems herself for nearly two years, but decades of scrubbing floors with industrial chemicals had taken their toll on her clear blue eyes, making it hard for her to do basic repairs anymore.

         Nigel’s first reaction was fury. How fucking dare Darko let his mother live in this apartment? Why the fuck didn’t she say anything, complain to the landlord? Why hadn’t she called him? But in the midst of the loud thoughts baying in his mind, he heard a soft voice, reminding him to breathe and get all the information before he acted.

         He pulled her to the couch, thumbing the pulse in her wrist as he asked her what had happened.

         She confessed that she’d been living with no hot water for nearly 6 months and that the landlord had threatened to evict her when she complained. She was too ashamed to tell Darko – he already sent her too much of his money and she was afraid he’d leave America and come back to the blood and grime of his old life. This was better. The apartment wasn’t so bad, really.

         Nigel wrapped her in a hug, fingers combing through her steely hair as she sobbed on his shoulder.

         “Pack a fucking bag, darling,” he murmured into her hair. “You’re staying with me tonight.”

         Constanța pushed at Nigel’s chest, setting her jaw to argue. He saw that same expression on Darko at least once a week.

         “I’ll give you three choices, gorgeous,” Nigel said, still hugging her close. “We can call your fucking son and he can fly here in a panic. You can come back with me to America and we can find you a little place by the beach. Or you can pack your fucking bags and stay with me until we find you a better place.”

         Constanța sat up, taking a moment to collect herself.

         “I want to stay here,” She said. “It’s where Phillip’s father is buried, it’s where my friends are. And Phillip can’t know, Nigel. You know how he worries.”

         Nigel nodded, ducking his head to catch her eyes.

         “We’ll find you a new place, but I’m going to call once a month and if you don’t tell me when something is wrong, I’ll fucking come back here and drag you to California. You’ll hate it there. You can’t even smoke in fucking bars.”

          Constanța made a face, then got up to pack some clothes. Nigel smiled when she took the threadbare silk robe off the hook by the kitchen and slipped it into her bag.

         Finding the landlord wasn’t hard – not snapping his neck was. Nigel took the guy for about six months of rent, then beat what he figured to be another six months of rent plus pain and suffering out of the greasy fuck. It felt oddly good to bash and claw at the man, Nigel had almost forgotten the thrill of tearing knuckles and the satisfying sound of his fist impacting soft tissue.

         When he returned to the hotel room, Constanța bound his hands with gauze and ice. Nigel felt 18 again, sitting on Constanța’s sofa, listening to her scold him for being a hoodlum while delicately fussing over his battered body. But the adrenaline had long left his system and he ached from head to toe, joints stiff from the jarring blows Nigel inflicted upon the landlord.

         Now, Nigel felt every day of his 50 years and utterly exhausted. He wanted to lay in his own bed, and let Adam kiss every scrape and bruise. He settled for reclining on the bed, head resting in Constanta’s lap as he napped and she told him pieces of gossip about people he didn’t remember or never met. Soon, sleep took him, his brain conjuring a pair of rapidly moving blue eyes before he succumbed to a dreamless drift. ****

* * *

         “Hey Bev! I got a lane ready for you downstairs. You bring your gear?” The man behind the counter stopped cleaning a revolver to offer Bev a warm smile. His eyes slid to Darko, who had insisted on carrying Bev’s guns into the club, and his brows raised. “Bringing a new toy with you?”

         “I gotta know if he can shoot straight before I date him, right?” Bev pulled the man into a one armed hug. She turned, arm still casually draped around the man. “Phil, this is Marco. Marco, Phil.”

         “Good luck with this one, man.” Marco grinned at him and moved to the wall of guns. He pulled two large rifles from the display. “Alright, Bev, I’ve got your Ruger and your Smithy ready, but before I hand you the Winchester pump action I have to tell you something.”

         “Oh fuck, you got the Remington, didn’t you?” Marco nodded and Bev jumped, performing a little touchdown dance. She turned to Darko. “You ever fired a Remington 870 pump action, Phil?”

         Darko shook his head, eyes wide. Bev beamed.

         “You will not believe how smooth the recoil is!” Bev gathered the guns and clips, racing to the shooting range door.

        When Darko found her, she was lovingly setting up the rifles and clips, spacing them along the counter. She took the cases from his arms, and pulled out three pistols – a glock, a berretta and a sig if he wasn’t mistaken. He watched in awe as she bustled around, checking slides, organizing clips, and hanging a target  

         She turned to him, face slightly flushed, eyes bright, ear protection tucking her hair away from her face. Fuck, she was fucking gorgeous.

         “Are you freaked out or turned on?” Bev squinted at him. “I can’t tell.”

         “Both.” Darko offered her a big smile. “Also, I should have gotten you the necklace with the AK charm.”

         Bev laughed, tossed Darko his own ear protection, and popped a clip into the sig, pulling the slide.

         “So how do you want to do this? Best shot buys dinner?”

         “Worst shot buys dinner, best shot gets a kiss?”

         Bev pretended to consider the terms.

         “Deal,” she said, taking her stance and firing a bullet straight through the head of the target. She grinned at Darko over her shoulder. “I guess I could stand another kiss from you. Where are you taking me for dinner?”

         Darko waited until she finished shooting.

         “I think the lady with the gun gets to fucking choose.”

         When Bev handed Darko the glock, he hesitated. He’d never actually stood and fired at a target before. It felt odd not to be running and firing blindly behind him. Nigel had taken him once, up to the rooftops to shoot at bottles, but he had grown bored and instead spent his time practicing holding his gun so it looked cool. He held the glock one-handed squinting at the target.

         “Stop!” Darko froze, he felt hands snake around his waist. “I can’t even watch this.”

         He let Bev tug him into the Weaver stance, playing up his ignorance a bit just to feel her press against him as she positioned his hips and arms. It felt awkward, but the sight was easier to line up and his accuracy was decent.

         “Not bad, big guy!” She patted him on the back once he put the empty glock on the table. She handed him the pump action. “The recoil on this is going to be stronger, so keep your knees bent slightly and your hips relaxed.”

         She made a fiddling adjustment to his hips and Darko felt heat pool low in his stomach. He didn’t think he’d be able to look at his gun again without getting hard. The hand on his hip ran up to his chest lightly, pulling a shudder from him.

         Bev kissed Darko’s jaw where the muscles flexed.

         “Don’t forget to relax and breathe, Dorko,” she whispered in his ear.

         He needed a distraction from the woman smiling over his shoulder and the rapidly filling cock in his pants. He pumped the Remington.  

         “When did you get so fucking good at this?” He asked, snarling slightly when his shot only winged the foot of the target. “I didn’t even know forensics workers carried guns.”

         “No, but I used to work for the FBI and I carried then.” Bev popped another clip into the sig and aimed. “I miss it. I’m talking to the LA County sheriff about getting a concealed carry permit, actually. Some of the scenes we go to are no joke.”

         She released a breath and emptied the clip in a tight cluster, center mass. Darko felt sick.  

                                                  

* * *

         “She was a fucking Fed, Nigel.” Darko leaned toward the computer monitor. It almost looked like there was a bruise on Nigel’s cheek.

         “Barely a Fed, she was a fucking lab tech.” Nigel ran his hands through his hair. “What’s she going to do, man? Put you in a beaker?”

         “You watch her shoot and tell me she’s just a fucking lab tech.” Darko ran a hand over his face.

         When he dropped her off, his stomach was still churning, the danger of the situation like a weight in his gut. But then she’d slid over the console, straddled his hips and kissed him until he didn’t have a drop of blood left to operate his brain. He was palming her ass and trying his best not to come in his pants when her phone had interrupted them. She moved back to answer it, that perfect ass hitting the horn, making Darko laugh and Bev blush. She swatted him as she answered her phone, still rocking on his throbbing cock as she talked to the sheriff. She had to go, a body in an old factory that looked like a cartel hit, but before she did, she kissed the life out of him one last time.

         “Fuck,” Darko said shaking the memory loose. “I need to fucking end it.”

         “Why?”

         “Because she is going to fucking find out about me.”

         “Probably.”

         “Aren’t you fucking helpful?”

         “Nenorocitule, what the fuck do you want me to say? Tell her or don’t. You don’t tell her and she finds out, you’re in deep shit. You tell her, at least you fucking face it like a man.” Nigel stretched his neck, rubbing his jaw – his knuckles were torn.

         “You want me to tell her the truth?” Darko stared at the screen with a gaping mouth. “She could fucking call the cops, man!”

         “She could. And they’d find shit. We paid those lawyers 20% of our fucking bank to make sure of that, right?” Nigel waited for Darko to nod. “There is another way this could play out.”

         Darko laughed, a bitter sound that curled his lip. “What? We ride off into the fucking sunset?”

         “Adam forgave me, and I have a lot more blood on my hands than you do.”        

         “She’s not Cosmo.”

         “No one’s Cosmo.” Nigel’s smile was warm, but his eyes were sad. “But you’re fucked either way right? Might as well take the chance. She might surprise you. And do it before you fuck her, women get all pissy if you fuck them before you tell them shit.”

         Darko nodded, but his mouth twisted ruefully.

         “Alright, I’ve just got one last question for you.”

         Nigel shrugged, spreading his hands and waiting.

         “What the fuck is my mother’s robe doing hanging on your goddamn bed, asshole?”

         Nigel’s eyes went wide, then the screen went blank.

                                                  

* * *

         When Adam popped up on the laptop monitor, he wore a sweater with his hair neatly combed. He squinted at Nigel’s image on Skype.

         “Where is Constanța?”

         Nigel’s smile became wolfish.

         “After seeing you naked, her heart gave out, gorgeous.”

         Adam frowned at the screen. “You’re making fun of me. Eight PM is our usual masturbation date. I was excited because I missed you. You didn’t tell me you were going to introduce me to Darko’s mother!”

         “Don’t worry, gorgeous, she liked you.” Nigel winked. “Once you put your fucking pants on.”

         Adam rolled his eyes. Nigel wanted nothing more than to grab his darling and press smacking kisses behind his ear until Adam squirmed and giggled. Instead, he let his eyes drift over Adam’s features, swallowing around the clench in his chest.

         “Cosmo, can I ask you a favor?” Nigel’s voice was rough. Adam smiled wide and took off his sweater. Nigel barked out a laugh. “Not that gorgeous. Well, we can do that too, but I wanted you to call Beverly Katz.”

         “Darko’s Beverly?” Adam furrowed his brow. “I don’t have her number.”

         “Darko said she’s in charge of some shit in the LA County forensic laboratories. Just call and ask for Chief Katz. Ask her to come to Sunday dinner.”

         “Why?”

         “I want her to meet you.” Nigel looked at his hands for a moment. “I want her to know that Darko knows good people and you charm every fucking person you meet, darling.”

         “You’re a good person, Nigel,” Adam said softly. “So is Darko.”

         Nigel looked away from the screen, his eyes pricking. When he looked back, he was smirking.

         “Well that motherfucker needs all the help he can get,” Nigel’s voice was still gravelly. “So do your Cosmo thing. Blink those big blue eyes at her, tell her a bunch of cool space shit, and help that hopeless bastard get laid.”

         Adam nodded.

         “OK, I’ll call this afternoon.” Adam flashed a big smile at the camera and stood, shimmying out of his sleep pants. “But right now, I think I should help another hopeless bastard get laid.”

         “I fucking love you, gorgeous.” Nigel’s laugh was muffled as he yanked his shirt over his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations:**  
>  _Labagiu_ \- jerkoff/asshole  
>  _Nenorocitule_ \- motherfucker


	6. Sunday Fucking Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bev is introduced to Adam, and Darko's past. One of those introductions goes better than the other.

         Darko’s door was partially open when Bev arrived. She could hear crashing noises and swearing inside. She pushed the door open slightly and could see shadows moving in the kitchen.

         “Phillip?”

         Darko leaned into view, he had a white smear across his cheek and some type of dust all over his black shirt.

         “Uh, I’ll be right there. Sorry!”

         And he was gone.

         Bev squinted and moved closer to the kitchen, which smelled like fresh baked goods and sugar.

         The room was a disaster. Pots were in the sink, what appeared to be batter splattered on the ceiling and a good portion of the cabinets, and a fine layer of powdered sugar seemed to be coating the room. In the midst of the chaos stood Darko, piping white trim onto a white cake. He bit his tongue as he moved, large arms flexing as he worked the icing into simple, pretty designs.

         “I’m sorry, I tried a new batter recipe but the texture was weird and Cosmo has a thing about texture and there was just no way. So I had to bake a new cake and wait for it to cool…” He looked down at Bev’s hands, she was holding a covered dish. “Did you bring food? That was nice, but Cosmo is really particular about his food. If he tells you he hates it he’s not trying to be mean, it’s just he’s really honest. It doesn’t mean it’s bad, but please don’t get mad at him. Are you sure this is a good idea? Sometimes Cosmo is a little difficult to deal with, especially with food, and I don’t want you getting the wrong idea because he’s fucking great. And you’re fucking great.”

         Darko finally ran out of steam and sort of shrugged. Bev blinked. 

         “You bake?”

         “Yeah, I bring dessert every Sunday. You’d think it would be hard with Cosmo, but I’ve found a bunch of recipes that have the flavors and texture he likes so it’s actually not that bo-”

         Bev sat the dish on the counter and leaned in to lick at the smear of buttercream frosting on his cheek.

         “Impressive, Dorko.”

         Darko chucked the piping bag on the counter and grabbed Bev’s waist, yanking her to his chest. The kiss wasn’t gentle, but he tasted of sugar and vanilla as he took her mouth. She pressed into him, wanting to feel the solid chest and arms envelop her as she sucked on his tongue.

         When firm hands wrapped around her ass and lifted her up, Bev let out a startled laugh before twining her legs around Darko’s hips. She felt something cool press into her back and realized that she was being laid out on the kitchen table. He rolled his hips into hers, just enough to make her groan at the possibilities. She tangled a hand in his hair and pulled him to her chest, gasping for air.

         “Will your friend mind if we’re late?” Bev was panting, but she wasn’t quite ready to release Darko.

         “Futu-ti dumnezeii mă-tii!” He muttered into her chest, his hard-on still rubbing against her thigh. “Yes. Yes he fucking will.”

         He looked up, blue eyes smiling, and ran his index finger along her cheekbone.

         “It might be worth it.” Darko smirked. “Would serve him fucking right, all the times I’ve waited for him and Nigel.”

         “Nah, I want your friends to like me.” Bev stole another kiss before shoving gently at his chest. “Christ you’re like a brick wall…Up, Goliath!”

         He moved off her without complaint, then paused to laugh.

         “You’re a mess.” He sounded smug.

         Bev looked down, her maroon blouse was covered in white streaks, some with clear finger impressions. She couldn’t wait to explain this to her dry cleaner.

         “Alright, I’m going to need a shirt and a brush.”

         Darko pointed to the bedroom and smiled. “Bring me a clean shirt too.”

                                          

* * *

         Darko was trying very hard not to stare. Bev had worn his favorite shirt, an amethyst button down. She tied the excess fabric at her waist, which offered tantalizing glimpses of her back and stomach when she moved. Darko reminded himself that he’d probably drop the cake if he grabbed for her now. So he tightened his grip on the platter and watched the skin peek out when she knocked on the door.

         Adam opened the door on the first knock. He smiled at Darko before turning to Bev. Casting his eyes down, Adam held his hand out and smiled wide.

         “Hello Beverly, it’s nice to meet you.”

         Adam’s hand hung in the air. Adam glanced at Darko, brow furrowed. Darko shrugged and looked at Bev. She stood still, squinting at Adam, mouth drawn into a little pout.

         “Is something wrong?” Darko shifted the cake, resting a hand on Bev’s shoulder.

         Bev shook her head, smiling slightly.

         “Sorry Adam, you just look like a guy I knew back in Quantico.” Darko’s shoulders tensed, and Bev looked at him questioningly.

         “Oh, I’ve never worked for the FBI,” said Adam as Bev finally took his hand. “Or been to Virginia.”

         “Yeah, you’re not Will,” Bev said with a slight smile. “He was a twitchy little guy, taught at the FBI academy and consulted on our cases. He was nice enough, but then one day he ran off with his psychiatrist in the middle of a case. Jack was furious.”

         “He should be. That is a clear violation of the doctor patient conduct code,” Adam said with a solemn little nod. “That psychiatrist wasn’t very good if he was sleeping with patients. I hope someone reported him to the medical board.”

         “Jack threatened it, but it’s hard to report someone who’s basically fled the country.” Bev shrugged. “My friend Jimmy says they’re somewhere in Europe now, but who knows.”

         “My boyfriend is in Europe,” Adam said with a small frown. “I don’t like him being so far away. It’s hard to coordinate time to talk to him and masturbate, which is extremely frustrating since I prefer adhering to schedules.”

         Darko cringed. And there it was.

         “LET’S EAT!” Darko’s hand tightened on Bev’s shoulder pushing her into the apartment.

         “I feel ya’ man, it fucking sucks when you want to get laid but your guy isn’t available.” Bev patted Adam on the shoulder. He flinched and she immediately moved her hand, giving him space.

         “Do you and Darko have trouble scheduling sex?” Adam blinked at her. Darko nearly dropped the cake as he whirled around.

         “Adam!” Darko felt heat licking up his face. She was going to leave before they even fucking sat down.

         “We have had trouble.” Bev leaned in conspiratorially. “But I have a good feeling about tonight. We’re both free after dinner.”

         “Oh!” Adam said, smiling. “Well, we should eat, then, so you can go have sex.”

         “Thanks!” Bev smiled brightly.

         Darko stood frozen in the living room, clutching the cake platter for dear life and gawping at the two people in front of him. Adam breezed by him, ignoring Darko’s shock second nature at this point. Bev offered him a shrug and a wink as she walked past him to the kitchen. 

         “I watch Inside the Actor’s Studio with dinner. Would you like to pick the episode since you’re the guest?” Adam pulled out Bev’s seat. Darko noticed that Nigel’s typical spot at the table remained vacant. It made his chest burn. 

         “Which episode is the best?”

         Adam thought for a moment.

         “Nigel likes Laurence Fishburne because he’s funny. Darko likes Diane Lane because she’s the most fuckable,” Darko closed his eyes and drew in a calming breath, when he opened them Bev was smirking. “My favorite is Stanley Donen, I like the way he talks about piecing together a scene by breaking down the emotions. It’s a useful exercise, trying to identify the emotions when people are talking to help guide your response.”

         Bev offered Adam a soft smile. “That sounds fascinating, let’s go with Donen.”

         “OK. Darko can set that up while I fix plates.” Adam turned to the counter where plain chicken breast and rice sat steaming. Darko sat the cake on the side table and began fussing with the tablet.

         “I brought a side dish,” Beverly held out the container. Adam froze. Darko tensed. “Just some broccoli with cheese sauce.”

         “I don’t like new foods.” Adam regarded the dish in Bev’s hand with suspicion. “But that sounds acceptable.”

         He took the container from Bev’s hands, placing it on the counter. He seemed to brace himself for the smell when he cracked open the lid. After a moment his shoulders relaxed and Adam forked a piece of broccoli, examining the cheese sauce that dripped from the floret carefully before popping it into his mouth.

         “I’ll eat this,” Adam said, quickly washing the fork before he went back to plating food. Darko released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Bev caught his eye and pumped her fist in victory. He rolled his eyes, but couldn’t stop the grin stretching his cheeks.

         “Can I get drinks?” Bev offered as Adam methodically divided the food.

         “Darko wants a beer, so does Nig-” Adam bit his lip, frowning. “I want a sarsaparilla, you’ll find the frosted mugs in the freezer.”

         Bev nodded and took out two frosted mugs. She handed Darko a beer before retrieving the sodas.

         The video queued, Darko moved toward Adam, leaning against the counter.

         “Cosmo,” Darko popped the top on his beer. “Do you know what your worthless fucking boyfriend is doing with my mother?”

         “Yes.” Adam handed him two plates, shooing Darko away. Darko served Bev before sitting himself. Adam sat with his plate and hit play on the tablet. Darko glared and hit pause, raising an eyebrow at Adam’s questioning glance.

         “Well…”

         “Oh, Nigel told me not to tell you.” Adam took a bite of the broccoli dish and turned to Beverly. “I don’t mind this at all.”

         Bev raised her mug in a little toast. Darko continued to glare.  

         “What do you mean you can’t tell me? She’s my mother!”

         Adam regarded him with serious eyes. “I can assure you nothing untoward is happening. He’s treating her like a lady.”

         Bev snorted into her mug, but rested a hand on Darko’s knee under the table. Adam continued to watch Darko with an earnest expression. Darko rolled his eyes. 

         “Fine. Play your fucking show and let’s eat.”

         “Oh, yes, you want to leave early to have sex, right?”

         “Right!” Bev confirmed brightly, spearing a piece of chicken on her fork. Darko smiled down at his plate.

* * *

         Darko held the door open for Bev, smiling softly as she brushed by. He followed her into his apartment, rubbing a hand along the back of his neck.

         “Did you want to watch a movie?” He offered lamely.

         Bev turned and shoved Darko onto the sofa, straddling him. She sucked a kiss onto his neck, grinding lightly on his hips.

         “Actually,” Bev said raising an eyebrow, “I had plans for that leftover frosting.”

         Darko grinned, hands sliding up Bev’s thighs to grip her ass. He pulled her closer, groaning softly at the increased friction. Bev was working open the buttons on his shirt, running her hand through the soft hair that dusted his pecs. Her fingers lightly traced the mark over Darko’s heart, the brand he got when he was 17. For a moment, panic flooded his system, he waited for her to recognize the symbol. But she just leaned over and kissed the mark, smiling softly when he met her eyes.

         Yanking her away from the mark, Darko focused on getting his shirt off of Bev. He rubbed his stubble against her neck, nipping softly at her collarbone as his fingers worked the buttons. His mind was shutting down, thought forsaken for sensation. He could feel her hands snaking down his chest, resting on his belt.

_Tell her before you fuck her_.

         Fucking Nigel. The first time in his life that asshole had to be right and it was about this.

         “Wait,” Darko sighed, grabbing Bev’s hands and stilling them at his buckle. “I - _fuck_ – I need to tell you something.”

         Bev gasped for air, still planted firmly on his hard-on. Words. He was saying words. She caught his gaze. Those sparkling blue eyes were pinched in the corners, sad and a little afraid. The warmth that had spread through her body was replaced by a cold tingling sensation. She knew that face.

         “You’re fucking married.” Her voice was steely as she revved herself up for a fight.

         “What? No!” Darko raised his eyebrows and she hated how endearing he looked when he was bewildered. She also hated the wave of relief that settled in her gut.

         “You don’t like girls and really were just trying to get a jogging buddy?” He smiled at that, and Bev counted it as a win, but his eyes still looked pained. She pressed a palm onto Darko’s chest, rubbing softly.

         “OK, you’re in some sort of polyamorous relationship with Adam and Nigel and you want me to join you?”

         Darko’s head fell to the side, eyes squeezed shut. “FUCK NO.”

         “Damn,” Bev giggled, “Adam’s cute.”

         She waved her hand at Darko’s glare.

         “Don’t make faces at me, you’re the one being all mysterious.” She offered him another smirk. “What, are you a drug dealer or something?”

         Darko’s eyes snapped to hers – worry, fear, and panic swimming in a sea of blue. Bev’s mouth fell open, she felt like she’d been slapped.

         He knew how to clean and cock a gun, but his aim was for shit.

         He had started his own business with a flood of startup cash.

         He got quiet and nervous whenever she mentioned Quantico.

         The brand on his heart, it wasn’t a trendy tattoo it was a fucking initiation mark.

         How could she be so fucking stupid?

         “Jesus Christ.” Bev shoved backwards, but lost her balance. Strong arms wrapped around her back and tugged her upright. Before she could think to hit him and demand release, Darko gently lowered her onto the couch next to him.

         “I’m not one now,” his voice was rough but barely audible. “Does that make a difference?”

         “I…I don’t know.” Bev’s head was throbbing. She wanted nothing more than to crawl back into his arms and bury her nose in his neck. None of this made sense. “I didn’t find anything when I ran your name through the system.”

         “You wouldn’t, not here.”

         “In Bucharest?”

         “I caught a charge when I was 19, served a year.” He wouldn’t look at her now, he was ripping at a piece of skin near his thumbnail.

         “You stopped then?” _Please god, please please please._

He shook his head and Bev felt tears swimming behind her eyes. He didn’t stop, he had a gang brand. This was bad, very fucking bad.

         “Just dealing?”

         “I trafficked for a few years, coke and guns, mostly.”

          _Mostly_.

         That was the scariest word in the English language. She ran through the typical products sold on the Eastern European black market until she came to one that made her heart clench.

         “Women?” She was going to throw up.

         “No, never.”

         Christ, she wanted to believe him. But dealers were liars. She knew that. They could hug you and smile one moment and kill your family the next. That’s who was sitting next to her on the couch. A liar. A master manipulator. A violent man. Someone who preyed on the innocent.

         A wave of pain smacked her in the chest.

         “Adam,” she said quietly. “Does Adam know?”

         Darko looked at her, panicked. “Adam’s never done anything illegal in his fucking life. You can call your Fed friends and fuck up my life if you want, but leave Adam alone.”

         “Does he know what you are?” She hated how wounded he looked at the question, hated that she felt bad for asking.

         “He knows everything. Nigel told him.”

         She wanted to believe him. She wanted…

         “Why did you tell me?”

         “You deserve to know.” Darko laid a hand on Bev’s leg, she flinched. He moved it back to his knee, thumb digging into the creases of his jeans. “I want what Nigel has. I want a life that doesn’t end in blood. I want to take you to dinner and to the shooting range, and, _fuck,_ to bed if you’d let me. But it’s all a fucking lie if you don’t know the truth.”

          _It’s ok._

         The phrase was blaring in her head, dancing on the tip of her tongue. She wanted to run her hands through his hair and whisper that she forgave him. She wanted to take him to bed and kiss away all the pain and worry that creased his face. She wanted to go back in time and beg him not to say a fucking word to her about his past.

         She wanted so much, but she knew what she had to do. Bev leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

         “Thank you for telling me,” she said softly. “But I have to go. I have to- I need to go.”

         Darko looked straight ahead and nodded. He didn’t turn when she left.

                                                  

* * *

**To:** PriceIsRight@gmail.com  
**From:** Bkatz@gmail.com  
**Subject:** This is your fault

Jimmy, I fucked up. Remember the Panty Dude? Well, I may have taken your advice and let him put his hand down my pants…a couple times.

So here’s the bitch of it: He tells me today that he has a record, and that he thought I should know. See what happens when I follow your advice? I date a goddamn jailbird.

But I don’t need an apology, I need you to break one law, but like a teeny law. Can you get the Interpol file on Phillip Dalca? If possible, I’d like his local police files from Bucharest too. I need to know the charges and the shit he might “forget” to tell me. Because I listened to your dumb ass and now I’m so dick-motized I’m actually considering dating a dude who has convictions in Bucharest.

I hope you’re happy with yourself.

Tell Z he’s my new favorite now.

~Bev

**To:** Bkatz@gmail.com  
**From:** PriceIsRight@gmail.com  
**Subject:** RE: This is your fault

Ok, first, I NEVER told you to fuck panty dude. I told you to get laid. So we are not blaming this on me.

Second, it’s not great, Bev.

The charge he caught was dealing, but Interpol has a file of unsubstantiated shit on him and his people. He worked for one of the biggest distributers in Romania, the Coșmaruri - some serious fucking people. His alleged partner is some guy named Nigel Balaur who has a sheet that’s thicker than my doctoral thesis.

It looks like Interpol was compiling a case on the Coșmaruri but abandoned it when someone took out their whole leadership in one night. After that, the mob descended into chaos and Dalca left the country. So maybe this guy was a minor player, or maybe he was bigger deal than he’s letting on and lucked out.

Either way, be careful, Bev.

You know I’m still your favorite,

~Price

**To:** Bkatz@gmail.com  
**From:** ZeeZeeTop@gmail.com  
**Subject:** The New Favorite

Hey Bev,

I’m accepting the title of new best friend. I knew this day would come. I’m gonna braid the fuck out of your hair at our next sleepover.

Seriously, Jimmy and I are worried. You seemed so fucking happy last time we skyped and now Jimmy’s telling me horror stories about some sort of Romanian drug gang? You can always come back, Bev. Kade would take you back in a second, even if you did call her an officious bitch.

Think about it. I miss drinking with you Bev. Jimmy puts cranberry juice in my bourbon. Who the fuck does that?

~Z

Also? Get the fuck on GChat sometime, I know you’re all busy and important in LA, but I need to talk about The Voice.

                                                  

* * *

         Bev opened the bottle of bourbon Zeller had given her as a going away present. It was good stuff, meant to be savored, but she guzzled from her glass. She glared at Jimmy’s email, willed it to spontaneously change into a note telling her she was being paranoid.

         But there it sat, glowing at her from the screen of her desktop.

         She had built a life on facts: Pulling them out of crime scenes, swearing to them in court. Facts were irrefutable. Facts were dependable.

         Right now, the facts were these: Phillip “Darko” Dalca was a former drug dealer. In all likelihood, he was associated with the Romanian mob. His best friend was an enforcer, and dating a sweet man who might not know.

         But there were other facts, ones that kept Bev refilling her glass. He texted her silly pictures, things he found funny, things about science, pictures of the security team acting goofy. He brought her goofy little gifts, cheap little trinkets that were somehow sweeter than any flashy expensive presents. His eyes sparkled when he told jokes or talked about his friends. He paid attention to what she said and did.

         He told her before she found out.

         He respected her enough to tell her. Now, she just had to figure out if that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations**  
>  _futu-ți dumnezeii mă-tii_ \- Fuck your mother's gods/fucking christ


	7. Who You Gonna Call?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In spite of the chapter title, it's not Ghostbusters.  
> Bev finds out who she can call when everything goes to hell.

         Bev stared at the text, drumming her fingers on a decomp report she needed to read and sign off on.

          _Darko says you’re not talking to him, does that mean you’re not coming to dinner tonight?_

         She had given Adam her number after Sunday dinner, agreeing that they should have a solo meal Thursday when Darko had a late shift at Bucharest Brothers Security. It was all very domestic and quaint until Darko detonated her rosy visions of double dates with their couple friends and lazy Sunday evening groping that meandered into Monday morning sex.

         But it was fine. She was glad Darko hadn’t called since Sunday. It didn’t sting at all and she appreciated that he was giving her space. And if she told herself that every 20 minutes to keep from checking her phone, well… that was no one’s fucking business.          

         She should probably delete Adam and Darko’s numbers right now. Bev looked down at the photo of Adam she had snapped holding up a piece of cheesy broccoli and smiling. Before she cut all ties she had to make sure he knew about Darko and Nigel. She’d never forgive herself if she didn’t make sure Adam wasn’t being used.

          _I’ll be there, Adam._

         She put her phone back in her desk. She’d need to focus on these bodies if she had any hope of making it to Adam’s by 7:30.

                                                  

* * *

         Darko glared at the financial report in front of him. He’d read the same paragraph three times now and just couldn’t be fucked to care. He needed to approve Nigel’s security designs and respond to a dozen emails. He knew all the things he had to do. He just wasn’t going to do them.

         It had started small. He forgot to shave Monday, and then again on Tuesday. He may have worn the same shirt to work too. Didn’t matter. He was barely sleeping. Every time he closed his eyes he could see Bev, giggling as she dotted his neck with kisses. He woke up feeling sick every morning. The only thing he did consistently anymore was check his phone for text messages and meet Cosmo for dinner. He’d been ducking Nigel’s calls and texts, it was his fucking fault he was in this mess.

         Darko thought he was fine, until the guys started acting weird. Eddie had burst into his office on Tuesday with a complaint about one of the guys. He’d taken one look at Darko, mumbled _never mind_ and high-tailed it for the breakroom. Ralph had quietly rescheduled all new client meetings for next week and had gotten in the habit of leaving a doughnut on Darko’s desk in the morning. Everyone else avoided him.

         And why shouldn’t they? Dr. Beverly fucking Katz certainly was.

         When his cellphone started ringing at 6 in the evening, Darko knew one of the boys had ratted to Nigel. It was the only explanation for an unscheduled Adam call.

         “What’s up, Cosmo?”

         “I’m having dinner at 7:30, will you please come?”

         “Cosmo, I’m on overnight tonight, I go in at 7.” Darko paused, something was wrong. “You know that. You fucking know my schedule and Nigel’s schedule by heart. What’s wrong, Cosmo? Are you OK?”

         “I just really want you to come to dinner. Please come to dinner.” Adam’s voice was stiff, it made Darko’s chest tighten.

         “Cosmo, what’s happening?”

         “I don’t like lying,” Adam said miserably. “It’s wrong, even if it’s for a good reason.”

         “Lying?” Darko ran a hand over his jaw. Christ, he needed to fucking shave.

         “Nigel…Nigel said. I’m not supposed to tell you. That I just needed to get you both in the same-,” Adam was spiraling into panic.

         “Cosmo,” Darko kept his voice calm. “When’s the last time one of Nigel’s plans worked out?”

         “Your birthday weekend in Big Bear,” Adam offered quietly. “He planned that for months. You had so much fun and I learned how to ski.”

         Adam had learned how to pizza wedge his skis and slowly skid down the low slopes. Darko had been so proud when the kid had made it the whole way without panicking.

         “Nigel planned that?” Nigel hated skiing. When they were in Bucharest, Darko spent as many long weekends as he could in Azuga, but Nigel always refused to go. _I’m not freezing my dick off so I can shimmy down a mountain like a twat, and you shouldn’t go either – your dick’s small enough, Darko_. Even when Gustaf tagged along, Nigel stayed home.

         That’s why Darko knew the ski weekend had been Adam’s idea. Nigel hated the cold and any sport that didn’t involve a ball.

         At Big Bear, Nigel had spent most of his time in the lodge and patiently cheering as Adam wobbled around the bunny slopes. But he’d gone with Darko on one of the black diamond trails, grousing and cursing when a patch of ice knocked him on his ass.

         “Yes. He said you’d be fucking weird about it if you knew he planned it, so I told you I planned it.” Adam’s voice was getting quiet. Darko could feel how much the kid missed Nigel. “I just thought maybe this would be like that.”

         Darko sighed. He had feeling he knew where this was going.

         “Is Bev coming over tonight, Cosmo?”

         There was a long pause.

         “Yes.”

         “And Nigel thought you should trick me into coming over and, what? She’d be happy?” Darko flopped on his sofa, he needed to get ready for work. He needed to find a clean shirt, maybe the will to shower.

         “If you two would just talk-”

         “Adam,” Darko was too tired to do this. “Do you like it when people lie to you? Do you think Bev would appreciate being tricked into dinner with me?”

         “No. No, I know, but-” Adam was fiddling with something, Darko guessed he was tugging on his sleeves. “But you miss her. I can see how sad you are Darko, but I don’t know what to do. You let me watch three episodes of Inside the Actor’s Studio last night and you didn’t complain once. Even when we watched Alec Baldwin and you think he’s a cock knocker.”

          _This fucking kid._

         “I’ll be fine, Cosmo, so will she.” Darko tried his best not to sound bitter about that. “Just, have dinner with her and don’t push her. Talk about space or the new XRF Spectrometer she ordered or something.”

         “But Nigel said-”

         “Nigel’s seen The Parent Trap too many times.”

         “He has it on DVD,” Adam confirmed. “He thinks Haley Mills is the tits.”

         Darko laughed. It was the first time in days.

                                                  

* * *

         Bev looked at the papers in her hands. The emails from Jimmy were on top of the pile, followed by the Interpol reports and a few translated Romanian police documents. She felt like an asshole bringing all this to Adam for what should be a friendly dinner, but she had to make sure the kid knew exactly who he was dealing with.  

         She knocked.

         “Bev!” Adam swung open the door. His bright smile and wide eyes were directed somewhere over her left shoulder, but she knew not to take it too personally. Adam looked down at the papers in her hands and frowned. “Did you bring paperwork?”

         “I need to talk to you about Nigel and Phillip,” Bev said. She knew direct would be the best approach with Adam.

         “Oh!” Adam’s smile widened. “Great! I want to talk to you about them too! Dinner’s ready, can you talk while we eat?”

         Bev nodded and followed him into the kitchen.

         Adam’s kitchen was almost austere, no trinkets, no novelty kitchen utensils. Every item was utilitarian and neatly stored. The one burst of life in the room was a large collage frame on the wall by the small table. It was filled with pictures of Adam, Darko, and Nigel. Nigel pressing a kiss to Adam’s smiling cheek; Darko making a ridiculous face with his arm slung around Nigel; Adam next to the biggest telescope Bev had ever seen; all three in skis flexing their muscles and grinning like idiots; Darko making an exasperated face as Adam and Nigel kissed next to him.

         Bev’s gut twisted.

         She knew they were bad men, but they looked so fucking happy. She stopped her brain from mentally inserting her into the pictures.

         “So what did you want to talk about?” Adam looked in her direction, carefully chewing his mac n cheese.

         Bev felt another stab of guilt, but soldiered on.

         “I wanted to make sure you knew about Phillip and Nigel.” Bev hedged. She wasn’t really sure she could do this. “What they, uh, did.”

         “Do you mean the security company or the drug dealing?” Adam’s tone remained conversational and Bev suddenly understood what Darko meant about the kid’s ability to floor you in the blink of an eye.

         “The drug dealing. Uh, I brought these files. I wasn’t sure they told you the truth. I wanted to make sure you knew the whole story… that they weren’t lying to you.”

         “Oh, Nigel knows not to lie to me.” Adam assured her. “I hate lying. Why did you think I wouldn’t know?”

         Bev blinked at him.

         “It doesn’t bother you?” She knew her voice was too loud when he flinched. “Adam, you told me you thought a shrink should be reported for sleeping with a patient. This is drug dealing, likely trafficking.”

         “Oh they trafficked too,” Adam said seriously. “Guns mostly, but coke and heroin at one point. I’m not sure they had much of a choice.”

         “Jesus Adam! How can you be with someone knowing that?” She had meant it as a rebuke, but it sounded more beseeching. If Adam could find a way to let go, maybe she could.

         “I know they did bad things,” Adam looked up, making eye contact with Bev. “But they didn’t have many options. Nigel ran away from his mother when he was 9, the orphanages were worse. Not many people hire children for legal work. I don’t know as much about Darko, Nigel says he was small and frail and poor, just like every other kid he knew. But when they came here, when they got away, they stopped.”

         “That doesn’t mean they were good men.” She could hear Crawford’s voice in her head. _Grey areas are for the weak minded, Katz. Rehabilitation is a fairytale._ She had agreed with that for so long.

         “They’re good men now, I know that.” Adam sounded so sure. She envied that conviction.

         “Because they have a security company?” The petulance in her voice made her cringe.

         “No. That wouldn’t determine good or bad behavior,” Adam dismissed, forking another mouthful of noodles. “I’m…I’m not easy. All my life I’ve known I was a problem. I need routines, schedules. I get upset with noises and strange places. I can’t eat food that smells funny or has a bad consistency. If I get too stressed, I panic and make scenes. But they don’t care. They’ve never cared. We go places and we do things together and if it’s too much, or I start to panic, they’re there. Most people wouldn’t work so hard for me, Bev. I know good people who walked away from me because I’m not worth the effort.”

         Bev opened her mouth, but Adam held up his hand, eyes on the floor.

         “I know I have sex with Nigel, and you probably think that’s a good enough reason to do these things.” Adam’s hands were lightly tapping his thighs. The word _stimming_ filtered through Bev’s mind. “But I don’t have sex with Darko. I would have considered it, but he’s straight and Nigel is more handsome.”

         Bev snorted, resting her hand on her chin.

         “Darko’s my friend because he wants to be. He helps me when Nigel doesn’t ask. He even helps me rehearse social interactions, which he hates, because he knows I need to prepare. They even taught me how to fucking curse and gave me a nickname so I could seem normal in bars.” Adam’s fingers were still tapping, he looked up, not quite meeting Bev’s gaze. “They think I don’t see all the things they do for me, but I do. They’re good men, Beverly.”

         “You should have been a lawyer, Adam. You make one hell of a case.”

         “Will you talk to Darko?”

         “I’ll think about it while we eat dessert.”

         “Would it help if I told you I’ve seen him naked? He’s very well built with a larger than average penis.”

         Bev laughed, running her hand through her hair. “Well hell, I have to call him now!”

         Adam smiled.

* * *

         “Bev?” Darko sounded shocked. “Hi.”

         “Phil? Phil, I need you to come to Adam’s place,” She was shouting over Adam’s wails. “He freaked out and I can’t get him to calm down.”

         Another monstrous crash in the kitchen, Bev swallowed down the fear in her throat.

         “I wasn’t sure if I should restrain him or-”

         “Don’t restrain him!” Darko barked. “He doesn’t know you, it’ll make it worse. Can you get him to the bedroom? There’s less stuff to break there. He flails when he’s like this so watch out or he could clip you. I’m on my way, leave the door unlocked I’ll be there in 10 minutes.”

         “Thank you.” The line had gone dead.  

* * *

         Darko arrived in seven minutes, wheezing as he burst through the door. His ran to Bev, large hands gripping her shoulders as he looked her over.

         “Are you ok? Did he hurt you?”

         She sagged into his touch just a bit.

         “I’m fine, I couldn’t get him out of the kitchen, he’s screaming about liars and Nigel.”

         Darko sighed. “Fuck.”

         He moved toward the kitchen, shattered plates, shards of glass and macaroni n cheese littered the floor. Adam was in the eye of the maelstrom, fists balled and flailing. On the table, Adam’s cell phone was ringing, Nigel’s face on the ID photo.

         “Cosmo! Cosmo I need you to breathe.” Darko moved slowly toward Adam, mindful of the mess on the floor.

         “He’s a liar! He told me 504 hours! He promised!” Adam slapped at his head and Darko was lunging. He grabbed Adam by the waist and knocked them both to the floor. Darko winced as he fell, something stung his leg like a motherfucker, but he wrapped his arms around Adam so the kid couldn’t flail.

         “You can’t hit yourself, man.” Darko’s voice was soft and Bev could see him tightening his hold as the younger man struggled. “Adam, shhhh. Shhhh. Breathe with me Cosmo.”

         “He swore! He swore he’d be back and he’s staying. He’s staying with your mother and I hate him! Let me go!”

         Darko’s face twitched, but he kept his voice soothing.

         “Cosmo, you gotta promise not to hit yourself first.”

         “LET ME GO!” Adam was sobbing. “He lied. He lied. He fucking lied.”  

         “Come on, Cosmo. Breathe.”

         “Adam? Adam, hey.” Bev kneeled by Darko laying a soft hand on Adam’s forearm. The touch snapped Adam’s eyes to hers, she removed her fingers and held her hands up. She thought about Dr. Bloom’s clinic on dealing with panic attacks in witnesses. “Do you count breaths? Let’s count breaths, ok?”

         Adam didn’t respond, but he inhaled. Bev counted to three. Adam exhaled. Bev counted to four. Darko watched, feeling Adam relax in stages, each inhale and exhale getting a little longer. First, he stopped struggling against the hold. Then, his muscles started to grow pliant. Finally, Darko could loosen his grip enough that his hold was more of a reassuring embrace, rocking Adam like he’d seen Nigel do.

         Through it all, Bev counted. She tapped her count out on Adam’s thigh, eventually Adam’s fingers joined her steady rhythm. Adam turned to Darko, face still tear-stained, but voice monotone.

         “It’s ok now.”

         “No, it’s fucking not. Jesus Adam, what did he fucking do?”

         “He’s not coming home,” Adam droned, but his fingers tapped a little faster. “He’s staying with your mother.”

         “He’s what?” Adam winced at Darko’s tone, so he released Adam, giving him space. “Sorry, Cosmo, I don’t understand.”

         “He promised he’d be home in 504 hours, but he lied.” Adam furrowed his brow, he hugged himself and continued rocking. “He’s staying two more weeks with your mother.”

         “Did he say why?” Beverly sat on the other side of Adam, subtly flanking him in case he lost it again.

         “Constanța can’t live in her apartment anymore. Nigel thinks it was making her sick.”

         “What?”

         Bev laid a hand on Darko’s leg. He couldn’t remember when she moved closer to him.

         “Her landlord turned off her water and let mold grow everywhere. Nigel said not to tell you because you’d be upset,” Adam’s rocking was gentle, but persistent. “He was going to find her a new apartment because she didn’t want to live here. But now he says it’ll take two weeks and he swore he’d be home. He lied to me. He knows he should be back. My schedule is all wrong and I hate it. I hate this.”

         Darko paled. He talked to his mother a month ago and she was fine. She told him that. She told him she had enough money. How sick was she? It had to be bad if Nigel wouldn’t fucking tell him. He had to leave. He had to get to his mother and fix this.

         “That’s not really a lie.” Bev’s voice drew Darko’s attention. Her hand was still on his leg, squeezing slightly, but she was addressing Adam.  

         “He said 504 hours.”

         “If Darko tells me he’s meeting me at 6, but there’s an accident on the 405 and he’s late – he didn’t lie to me, he just got delayed.”

         Darko watched as Adam filed away the information, his mouth forming a moue. He huffed.

         “I know that, but I hate this. I hate that he’s not coming home in three days.”

         Bev nodded. “I bet he hates it too. But he’s doing the right thing. Constanța needs a safe place to live, and someone needs to take that landlord to court.”

         “Oh, Nigel said he was done with court,” Adam said. “He just beat him and took back the rent money.”

         Bev smiled. “That’ll work too.”

         Adam looked around them, seemingly seeing the mess for the first time. He looked up at Bev.

         “I’m sorry I ruined dinner. Usually talking to Nigel is my favorite part of the day, I didn’t think it would make me panic.”

         “Just means we’ll have to try dinner again sometime, huh?” Bev stood, brushing macaroni off of her ass. She offered Adam her hand. “I think you should probably get cleaned up and maybe call Nigel. That phone is still ringing.”

         Adam let Bev pull him up, and moved to the table. He picked up the phone. “Nigel? I’m sorry I got upset…Darko’s here…Nigel are you crying? I’m ok, I promise…Do you want to skype? There’s time before bed.”

         Adam picked up his tablet and moved toward the bedroom.

         Darko stood with a groan, there was a small pool of blood where he was sitting.

         “Jesus! What happened?” Bev was crouching, probing at his blood-soaked pants.

         “It’s fine, fucking piece of glass caught me when we landed.” He tried to move away from her, but Bev grabbed his leg, examining the wound. “I’m fine, I’ll clean it later. I have to go talk to Nigel, clean up this fucking kitchen, and maybe fly to Romania.”

         Bev yanked a small wedge of glass from Darko’s leg, making him hiss. She stood, and met his eyes.

         “Does your mother have a cell phone?”

         “Yeah.”

         Bev reached in Darko’s pocket and retrieved his cell. “Call it, you’ll feel better.”

         As Darko dialed the phone, he watched Bev. She moved to the hall closet and rummaged, coming back with a broom and dustpan. She began sweeping as the phone rang.

         “Mamă? Sânt eu Phillip, ce faci? Ești bine?…De ce nu mi-ai zis?…O să vin cât de repede pot!…Dar vreau să vin…Bineînțeles că am încredere în Nigel, dar- Bine, da, mami, da îți promit.” 

                                                  

* * *

         Darko pulled up to Bev’s apartment building. He was surprised she’d asked him to drive her home after the shitshow that was the last few days. He looked at her questioningly when she didn’t move.

         “Make a right up there.” Bev pointed to the driveway ahead of them. “I’m space 83, you can park there.”

         His mouth opened, but he’d forgotten all three languages he knew. She rolled her eyes.

         “I’ve had a long night. Just park the goddamn car and come upstairs so I can look at those cuts.”

         “I’m fine.” Darko scratched at his jaw and stole a glance at Bev. “You don’t need to-”

         “Park the fucking car, Phillip.”

         Darko nodded, moving the Challenger into the parking lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations**  
>  _Mamă? Sânt eu Phillip, ce faci? Ești bine?…De ce nu mi-ai zis?…O să vin cât de repede pot!…Dar vreau să vin…Bineînțeles că am încredere în Nigel, dar- Bine, da, mami, da îți promit._ \- Mama? It’s Phillip, are you alright?…Why wouldn’t you tell me?…I’ll be there as soon as I can…But I want to come…Of course I trust Nigel, but – Ok, yes, Mama, yes I promise.


	8. Then Tell Me The Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bev and Darko come to an understanding. But there's one more talk they need to have.

         “Ok, take off your pants so I can clean you up,” Bev said as she led him into the apartment, hanging her keys on a hook by the door. “It might be easier if you’re lying down on the couch.”

         He blinked at her, not moving from the foyer.

         “Drop your pants, Dorko. Let’s go!”

         She disappeared down the hall. He closed the door behind him and wandered into the living room. A leather couch sat in front of a big screen television, bookshelves lining the walls. There were a few pictures on the shelves of Bev with older people who must have been her parents. The living room opened into the kitchen, where a large picture frame reading _BFFs_ hung on the wall. In it, Bev was laying across the laps of two men – they must be Price and Zeller – all wearing safety goggles and lab coats, laughing hysterically.

         “I asked you to take your pants off.” Darko jumped when she appeared behind him. “You can look at the photos later. I want to clean up your leg before you get gangrene from that thing.”

         She nodded at the dishrag tied around his thigh.

         Darko snorted, fumbling with his belt. He thanked whatever deity convinced him to shower and change before going into work today. His pants dropped, he grunted when the fabric stuck to his torn flesh.

         Bev tugged at his boxer briefs for a better view of the wound. At least, that’s what she told herself as she inched the stretchy cotton up his powerful thigh. She filed away that Adam was absolutely right about the larger-than-average thing before shaking her head and probing the wound for more bits of glass.

         “Well, you don’t run, but you do squats, huh?” Bev smiled up at him. Darko huffed out a small laugh, not sure why she was being so nice. When she was satisfied all the glass was out, she disinfected the cuts, placed clean gauze over the worst of them, and taped up the wound. She worked silently, and Darko found himself smiling at the way her brow furrowed when she concentrated.

         When she finally stood, she smiled. Darko felt the overwhelming urge to kiss her, hold her, and beg her to let him stay. Instead, he nodded.

         “Thank you for taking care of me,” He murmured, looking down.

         Bev hummed in acknowledgement. “Just one more thing and you’ll be all better.”

         His eyebrows ticked up, a silent question. She leaned in and caught his lips, a soft press. Something inside him snapped. He pressed back into her, deepening the kiss. When her teeth caught his bottom lip, he stopped, gasping.

         “This is a bad fucking idea.” Darko pushed her back gently, his pupils blown. “We should talk after you make your decision about…everything.”

         “I made my decision when you came through Adam’s door,” she said, eyes steady. She ran her fingers over his bristly jaw, pulling him to her gently. The kiss that came was soft and full of potential.

         Darko brought his hands to Bev’s face, tracing over her cheekbones and sinking into her hair. He was going to buy Adam a telescope or a star or some shit. 

         Bev pushed his shoulders, backing him against the breakfast bar. He tripped slightly and looked down, glaring at the pants wrapped around his ankles. Bev’s mouth twisted in amusement as Darko grumbled, kicking the material from his legs and toeing off his shoes.

         Free, Darko lunged for Bev, pressing her into the breakfast bar as he plundered her mouth. His hands were slipping under her soft grey t-shirt and suddenly Bev was entirely too hot. She pulled the fabric up, Darko’s hands chasing after the material. He released her long enough to skim his hands over her sides and mold her breasts in his palms.

         Darko dipped down to kiss along her bra but froze. Bereft of his hands or his mouth, Bev glared down, only to find Darko smiling broadly at her chest.

         “What are you-” His hand came up and touched the ugly silver microscope charm that still dangled around her neck. She couldn’t explain why she kept wearing it, but it had become a fixture on her body like her mother’s watch. She simply put it on every day without thinking.

         Darko caught her eye, that broad goofy grin now aimed directly at her. He was just so goddamn pleased with himself that she was wearing the stupid necklace. Her knees felt a bit wobbly under the full weight of that look. She reached out and traced the dimples that bracketed his smile, finding herself echoing the expression.

         He was up with surprising speed, slowing only long enough to sweep her into his arms. She laughed as she felt the ground slip from beneath her, leaving her with only his strong shoulders to ground her. She wound an arm around his neck and pointed to her left.

         “Bedroom’s that way, big guy,” she said with a crooked smile. He was moving before she finished the sentence, big hands holding her with unexpected tenderness.

         He laid her on her bed, and moved to stand. Bev couldn’t bring herself to unwind her arms from his neck, pulling him on top of her instead. He landed ungracefully, partially crushing her into the mattress. She found she didn’t mind his weight, the press of him sending a small shiver up her spine.

         Raising to his elbows, Darko caged her body, kissing along her jaw. She rolled her hips against his, and it became inconceivable that she was still wearing pants. She tapped at his shoulders, drawing his attention.

         “Up,” she ordered, tugging at his shirt. “-and off.”

         Darko moved immediately, clumsily yanking at his shirt until the buttons gave up. She shimmied out of her trousers, leaving them to crumple to the floor in her haste to get back to bed, back to him.

         He sat on the edge of the bed, tented boxers and a sheepish expression on his face. Bev decided that his lap looked far more comfortable than her mattress, and took a seat. He made a small whimpering noise when she rubbed just the right way, throwing her head back at the delicious friction.

         Darko’s hands slipped under Bev’s arms as she leaned in for another kiss. Strong fingers ran along the back of her bra. She continued to worry his lip between her teeth until a forceful tug nearly sent her sprawling. Darko’s brow furrowed and he snaked his head over her shoulder, both hands still yanking on the back of her bra.

         Bev hid her face in Darko’s neck, shoulders shaking. She tried to swallow the giggle, but she couldn’t stop it. He pulled back to look at her, confusion and frustration knotting his eyebrows.

         “The front,” she gasped between little peals of laughter. He cocked his head to the side, looking utterly bewildered. She took mercy on him. Bev’s hands moved forward, unhooking the clasp between her breasts and letting the bra fall open.

         He closed his eyes, dropping his head. A dark flush crept up his cheeks even as he offered her a small smile.

         “Difficult,” he muttered, swooping in and pecking a kiss on her nose.

         “Well, if this is too much work,” Bev tugged at the bra, feigning putting it back on. He caught her hands, eyes crinkling at the edges as he helped her slide the bra off her shoulders.

         “I never said it wasn’t worth it,” he whispered into her shoulder, kissing her as his hands gently cupped her chest. She was going to say something flip, something about his work ethic, but her brain lost all higher function when his tongue lapped at her nipple. The bastard knew it too, she could tell by the way he smirked against her breast, sucking sweetly at the tip. He scraped his teeth over her gently as he released her, forcing a choking gasp from Bev’s throat. Darko moved left, lavishing attention on her other breast as Bev writhed on his lap. Her whole body was alight, her skin felt too tight and Darko wasn’t nearly close enough for her taste.

         A small pivot, and he was laying her out on the bed again. She tried not to flush when he paused to drag his eyes over her. He caught her gaze, still a little unsure. She nodded, just slightly and felt a fresh spike of want when the gesture made his eyes warm.

         He dipped to kiss her sternum, fingertips lightly dancing over her spit-slick nipples. Kissing his way lower, Bev bit her lip when he got to a particularly sensitive spot below her ribs. Catching the way she tensed, Darko gently sucked at the spot until she was digging her finger into his hair and making an ungodly keening noise. Satisfied, he worked his way to her boyshorts. Plain, cotton and distinctly unsexy, Bev sighed at her perfectly practical underwear. She would have worn her matching silk set had she known she’d end up with a giant Romanian nibbling on her all night – _Christ, she hadn’t even shaved_ – but Darko didn’t seem to mind the utilitarian undergarments.

         He ghosted a few kisses through the fabric, just enough pressure to make her shiver, before moving away. Bev made an indignant noise she wasn’t wholly proud of when his mouth traveled north. Darko nipped at her hipbone as his fingers slid beneath the cotton. He looked up at her, a small twist to his lips.

         “Any special way to take these off that I should know about?”

         Bev snorted, nudging him in the ribs with her foot. “Just try not to get them stuck to your pants. It’s a bad look.”

         Darko’s mouth spread into a huge grin. He shook his head slightly, chuckling as he slowly pulled her underwear off. He tossed the scrap of cotton to the side, keeping his eyes trained on Bev.

         “Eşti frumoasă foc,” he whispered, letting the pads of his fingers trace up her calves.

         She allowed herself to preen just a bit under his awed gaze before raising an eyebrow. “That had better be a compliment, Phil.”

         “Learn Romanian and find out.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the inside of her knee, running his lips and stubbly jaw along her inner thigh. His scratchy chin made the skin on her thighs prickle. She thought ruefully that she’d probably have an inconvenient whisker burn in the morning, then thought nothing at all as his mouth reached her clit.

         He rolled his tongue a few times, slowly finding a rhythm that drew desperate little gasps from her. She raked her nails through his scalp, urging him on as her feet searched for purchase on his back. Darko kept her there, dancing on the edge of release for what seemed like hours. She knew she was getting louder but she was just so fucking close she could taste it.

         Darko traced her wet folds with a gentle finger before circling her opening. She moaned when he slipped inside, finger curling and searching until he found just the right spot to make her brain flash white hot and useless.

         “T-There! There, _ah fuck_!” Bev bucked into the sensation, mindlessly seeking her release. Darko’s free hand wrapped around her hip, thumb rubbing soft circles into the skin as he held her steady. Bev arched her back, shivers running through her. She reached for the headboard, clawing at the reclaimed wood – looking for something, anything to keep her from flying apart.

         Darko pressed just a little harder and Bev broke. Her vision spiked white, skin electric and too tight. Bev came with a cry, body quaking in Darko’s hands. He rolled his tongue one final time, finger still steadily stroking as her body shook. He kissed her thigh and her hip, waiting for the tremors to subside.

         She yanked him up, his mouth slick when it met hers. She licked herself off his lips, kisses turning more teasing as the pulsing pleasure of her orgasm subsided. She nipped at his chin, delighting at the big goofy grin still plastered to his face. Darko braced himself on his forearms, dipping to catch her lips and nuzzling into her neck.

         As her brain rebooted, she became vaguely aware of a cloth clad dick rocking into her hip. Bev scraped her nails down his back, tucking her fingers under his boxer briefs and grabbing his ass.

         “How the fuck do you still have underwear on, Dorko?”

         He hissed at the feel of her hands, his kisses becoming sloppy. Bev pushed the cotton over his ass and down his thighs, watching with quiet amusement as he frantically kicked them the rest of the way off. She ran a hand down his chest, lightly catching sensitive patches of skin with her nails as she worked her way lower. She smirked, teasing her fingers through the dense curls at the base of his cock. He exhaled a shuddering breath, rubbing his forehead along her shoulder.

         Darko made a helpless noise in the back of his throat when she finally took him in hand. Fingers squeezing gently at the base, Bev stroked him once, running a nail carefully over his leaking tip. He made another choking noise, body tensing at the attention.

         “On your back,” Bev whispered in his ear. When he didn’t respond, she pressed a kiss to his head. “Come on, big guy, lay back for me.”

         He obeyed on shaking limbs, rolling to the side and sprawling on his back. Bev felt cold without his bulk, but sat up to grab a condom from her nightstand. When she turned back, Darko’s breathing had steadied, his massive chest rising and falling at a reasonable rate.

         “This ok?” Bev straddled his thighs, tearing the Trojan packet open. He blinked at her, a small smile clearing his dazed expression as he nodded. She ran a finger along the underside of his cock before rolling the condom on.

         Bev felt hands grip her waist and lift. She let Darko guide her to his cock, helping him maneuver. Sheathed, she set a slow, rolling pace, her body getting used to the stretch. Bev kneaded his pecs as she rode him, easy, unhurried, letting the sensation build.

         Darko’s hands dropped to her hips, and she began to feel some bite behind his thrusts. The pressure in her belly started to surge – slow, easy, and sweet were replaced with hard, passionate, and urgent. Darko’s right hand moved up Bev’s undulating body to tangle in her hair. He sat up slightly as he brought her down for a sucking kiss.

         She pulled away to get a better angle, arching her back and rolling her hips until she felt the prickling of electricity on her skin again. Darko watched her, steely blue eyes never leaving her face as he fucked into her. His other hand dropped from her hip, sliding forward until he was thumbing her clit. She moaned, clamping down hard.

         His hips stuttered beneath her as she rode out another orgasm. He shook as he came, fingers clenching as he moaned what she could only assume was more Romanian. Bev collapsed beside Darko, boneless and sweaty, hair clinging to her forehead and throat. He leaned toward her, panting a kiss into her mouth.

         Darko tied off the condom and tossed it in the trash, flopping back to the bed with a sigh. Bev curled into his side, drawn by the heat he seemed to radiate. Twining a leg around his, she propped her head on his shoulder, offering him a drowsy kiss. She lazily traced the brand over his heart.

         “Bev?”

         “Hmm?”

         “I, uh, I have to tell you one more thing.”

         The finger tracing his brand froze, he could feel her body tense.

         “What?”

         He craned his neck to look her in the eye, his face solemn. “I just want to be totally honest with you.”

         Her heart was hammering, fear creeping into her chest.

         “Ok.”

         “Those were the ugliest fucking panties I’ve ever seen in my life.” His expression was so serious it took a moment for the words to register.

         Bev’s mouth dropped open, eyes wide with disbelief. He smiled at her, blue eyes crinkling and shoulders shaking as he silently snickered.

         “Oh, you’re fucking dead!” She grabbed her pillow and started hitting him. He was laughing too hard to block the blows.  

* * *

         Bev blinked awake, bleary and unsure of why her brain had decided to rouse her. She reached for Dako, wanting the comfort big arms wrapping her up, but only found cold sheets. She pushed herself up, glancing around her bedroom.

         Nothing.

         For a moment, she felt anger pooling in her stomach, low and hot, but it stopped when she noticed light bleeding into the room from the hall.

         She pulled her favorite t-shirt over her head, the one Jimmy had given out at Christmas 5 years ago. The soft cotton was faded, but _Team Sassy Science_ was still emblazoned across the front with a picture of Bev, Jimmy, and Zeller posed as Charlie’s Angels beneath. She found her fluffy susuwatari slippers and padded toward the glow.

         Darko sat at her breakfast bar in his boxers, hair mussed, and stubble stark along his jaw. He was reading over the stack of printouts Bev had brought to Adam, nervously twirling his phone as he scanned the pages. Guilt swirled inside her, she wanted to apologize, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Instead, she came closer, sitting on the stool next to him and waiting. He tensed, but didn’t look up, eyes stubbornly trained on the paper.

         “This isn’t half the shit we’ve done.” His voice was rough from sleep.

         Bev laid a hand on his knee, squeezing softly.

         “Then tell me the rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations**  
>  _Eşti frumoasă foc_ \- You’re so fucking beautiful


	9. Aș Băga Mâna în Foc Pentru El

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darko tells Bev what life was really like in Bucharest. This is the flashback chapter, guys.

         “What do you want to know?” Darko picked at the staple on the Interpol report.

         Bev stood, grabbed two glasses from the cupboard, and held up her bottle of bourbon.

         “Right now, I want to know if you drink this neat or on the rocks.”

         “Rocks.” 

         Bev dropped a few ice cubes in Darko’s glass and poured them both a double.

         “Now,” she said, handing him his drink and leading him to the sofa. “I want you to tell me what’s not in the reports.”

         Darko took a sip of the bourbon, swirling it in his mouth before swallowing. He stared at the ice cubes.

         “You want what Adam and Nigel have? You’re going to have to trust someone enough to tell them the truth, all of it.” Bev tucked her feet under Darko’s thigh, lying back against the arm of the couch. “I’m not looking for a confession here, Phil, I just want to know what I’m dealing with. What you’re dealing with.”

         Darko traced the small bones in her ankle, eyes staring at nothing.

                                  

* * *

_Livezilor Alley, Bucharest – 28 October, 1983_

Darko tried not to shiver as he drew his coat around him. Winter had come early this year and there was no way mamă could buy him a winter coat right now. They were barely making rent.

         Vasile was almost 40 minutes late and Darko wasn’t sure how much longer he could stand the wind and misting rain. Just as the chills started to overtake his body, a black car pulled up. A teen with a rattail and pock marked face jumped out of the car, hunching against the frigid gusts of air. When he stood before Darko, the man looked at him skeptically.

         “You Phillip?”

         Darko nodded, reaching for the bag. Vasile snatched it backwards.

         “How fucking old are you?”

         “Fourteen.” Darko shoved his chest out, chin at a defiant angle. He’d be fourteen in a month, it was true enough.

         Vasile laughed.

         “Fuck me, you little gutter rats get smaller every year.” He shoved Darko, just to watch the kid stumble backwards. “You sure you’re up for this?”

         “Give me the fucking shit, man. Bruno said it was cool.”

         “Did Bruno also tell you what would happen if you fuck this up?”

         “I sell the shit, I give you the money. I fucking got it.”

         “Sure thing, Phillip, sure thing.” Vasile held out the brown paper package, yanking it back when Darko grabbed for it. “Just fucking remember, if the count is off, if the money isn’t there, if you fuck up in any way-”

         “You’ll come back here and kill me, right?”

         Vasile smiled. “No kid, they send the Nebunul. I’ve seen him rip the wooden leg off a man and beat him to death with it. They say he doesn’t sleep, just waits for the boss to send him to kill.”

         Darko snatched the package from Vasile. “Then I guess I better not fuck up.”

         Vasile nodded, winding his way back through the alley toward the waiting car.

         When Darko got home, the apartment was dark. It wasn’t unusual, his mamă must be working a double shift cleaning in the factory district. The tiny apartment had one bedroom and a kitchenette. Darko wanted a bed of his own. He was a man now, he’d told mamă, and it was time they got a better place.

         She’d kissed his cheeks softly and said that she’d work on it, but she was always working and they were still poor. Mamă would come home late and leave early every day, and still they had one bed and barely a pot to piss in. He would hear her crying sometimes, talking to the picture of his father. He’d been taken by the Securitate when Darko was six. Everyone assumed he was dead but mamă, she insisted he’d be released soon.

         Checking that he was in fact alone and mamă wasn’t sleeping on their bed, he upended the bag on the mattress. Darko carefully counted out the baggies and set sales goals for himself. He felt bad lying to his mother about getting a job at the butcher’s shop, but if he brought in real money, they could finally afford a good apartment and maybe mamă wouldn’t reek of chemical cleaners when she fell into bed after a double shift.

         After he divided the package and hid it behind the old broken baseboard in their room, Darko moved to the kitchen to start dinner. It would have to be ciorba de fasole cu ciolan again. There was nothing else in the fridge. He’d make enough for two and leave mama a note, sometimes he worried she went to bed without supper.

         When he started making real money, he’d make her plăcinte cu brânză dulce and she could stay home at night.

         Selling drugs was going to be easy. He could already taste the money.

 

_Livenzilor Alley, Bucharest – 8 November, 1983_

         “We have to leave, mamă!” Darko was yanking her toward the bedroom. He’d already thrown most of their belongings into his father’s tattered old duffle bag. “Please, just get dressed we have to go!”

         “Where? Phillip, stop this.” Constanța took his face in her weathered hands, forcing Darko to look at her. “Is this about the boys who beat you up Friday?”

         He had told her he was jumped at school, beaten for being poor and little. It wouldn’t be the first time. If he had told her the truth, that three junkies beat him until he cried for his stash, she would have killed him. Now, it looked like death was coming no matter what he did.

         “I-I…I don’t work at the butcher’s shop, mamă,” Darko stammered. “I wanted to make real money and I-”

         Mamă’s hands gripped his shoulders with unrelenting force. Her eyes tearing as she shook him.

         “What have you done?”

         “I just wanted to help,” Darko whined. He knew he sounded like a child and his cheeks flushed at the thought. “Three men took the stash from me and now I can’t give them the money and-”

         A loud crash made them jump apart. They both stared at the door, which splintered under another blow. Darko knew it was the Nebunul, they always sent him first when blood had to be shed.

         The Nebunul filled the doorway, head shaved except for a shock peroxide blond hair in the center that fell haphazardly over his skull. Three safety pins pierced his pale brow, his sneer revealing what Darko would later swear were fangs. He tugged his jean jacket’s sleeves, stretching the acid wash and making the anarchy patches ripple. He stalked toward them on heavy boots, and Darko realized with horror that his mamă could end up paying for his mistake.

         “Phillip fucking Dalca, right?” The Nebunul snatched him by the throat, pulling him close. Darko felt sick as the waves of cigarette breath crashed over his face. “You got a fucking problem counting, asshole? Bruno tells me you’re way fucking short. So either you give me the fucking funds now, or I take a few fingers.”

         He flipped a butterfly knife open next to Darko’s face, shoving the blade against his cheek. It had just started biting into his skin when Darko heard an ungodly wail.

         “You’re not taking my boy,” Constanța hissed, flailing at the man holding her son. “I let them take my husband but I won’t let you take my boy from me!”

         The Nebunul stared at Darko’s mother with an odd expression, blinking as if he hadn’t really seen her before. He watched her as she struck him, allowing the blows as he studied her. He turned to Darko, seemingly ignoring Constanța’s frantic attacks.

         “You know who the fuck ripped you off?”

         Darko nodded.

         “You can take me to where they are?”

         Another nod.

         “He’ll have to make it right.” The Nebunul offered softly, releasing Darko from his iron grip and turning to Constanța. “To make it right, he has to come with me.”

         “No.” Constanța shook her head, clutching at her boy. “I’ll get you the money, you’re not taking him.”

         “He either comes with me now or they send someone later.” The man held out an appeasing hand. “I promise not to hurt him if he comes with me. The next man won’t promise you shit.”

         Darko tugged at his mother’s hands, freeing himself. “I’ll be ok, mamă.”

         “No…no please.”

         The man watched them for a moment, something flickering behind his hooded eyes.

         “I promise I’ll return him,” The man said.

         “A worthless promise from a worthless thug,” she spat. Darko tensed, but the man was smiling.

         “It’s the best you’ve got now, gorgeous,” He offered with a shrug. He was already pulling Darko out the door.

         When they got to the street Darko turned, chin set.

         “Thank you for not killing me in front of her,” Darko said in a shaking voice. “She wouldn’t take it well. You can kill me here, if you want. I’m ready to die like a man.”

         The man looked at the kid, one eyebrow lofted high.

         “You think I’m going to kill you on a busy fucking street? What the fuck is wrong with you, kid?” He smacked Darko on the back of the head. “And stop saying shit like that. It’s fucking weird and someday someone’ll take you up on it.”

         “O-ok.” Darko watched the man. The man watched him.

         “Well, I haven’t got all fucking day. Do you know where the fuckers who ripped you off are?”

         Darko nodded.

         “THEN TAKE ME TO THEM!”

         “Sorry, this way Nebunul.”

         “Nigel.”

         “What?”

         “I’m doing you a huge fucking favor, kid, least you can do is call me fucking Nigel.”

         Darko watched as Nigel caved in the face of the first junkie they found. Darko had pointed the guy out and watched in terror and admiration as Nigel chased the poor bastard down. He leaped upon the man with a roar, fists pummeling. Once the guy was beaten, Nigel sifted through his pockets, collecting a few coins, one leftover coke packet, and a watch that must have been stolen.

         “Fucking junkies,” Nigel grumbled. “They’re hardly worth beating.”

         He shook two cigarettes out of his pack of Davidoffs and lit them, offering one to Darko as he puffed through bloody knuckles. Darko tried to look cool, but started coughing.

         “Don’t fucking swallow it, Dalca. I need you to show me who’s next.”

         The other two junkies met a similar bloody fate, Nigel actually managed to collect a few bills off of one prone body. When he was done, Nigel moved to Darko, wiping blood all over the younger boy’s face, hands, and shirt.

         “Stop fucking squirming!” Nigel barked. “You want to survive this fucking meeting, you better come in looking tough and fucking bloody. You got that?”

         Darko nodded.

         “Good, Dalca. Dalca… From now on, you fucking answer to Darko, got it?” Nigel yanked at Darko’s shirt, tearing it a little. “Phillip is a pussy’s name, it’s no fucking wonder they jumped you. If you’re going to be this fucking small you need to at least have a cool fucking name.”

         “Darko,” he tested his new moniker on his tongue and found he liked the weight of it.

         “Ok, we’re going to see Bruno and the six bosses,” Nigel grabbed Darko when he tensed. “Be fucking cool, don’t fucking piss yourself, and don’t you dare fucking speak. Got me, nenorocitule?”

         “Ye-”

         “DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING SPEAK!” Nigel bellowed. Darko shrank back and nodded. “And for Christ’s sake, square your fucking shoulders and try to look like a Darko, this pussy shit is pure fucking Phillip.”

         Darko straightened his spine, clenched his jaw, and puffed out his chest. Nigel rolled his eyes.

         “Fuck me. Well, you’ve got 10 blocks to work on it, kid,” Nigel led Darko out of the alley and into the rush of the streets.

         The Coșmaruri counsel room looked plain, at first glance. The backroom of Restaurant Vatra, the men sat at a round table, warmed by a large hearth. Darko wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t middle aged men and half-eaten sarmale platters. Still, the waiters ducked in and out of the room silently, bowing as they moved.

         Nigel stood before the Coșmaruri with his shoulders hunched and a defiant sneer on his lip. Darko tried to copy the posture as best he could, but Nigel kicked him once in the shin when no one was looking. After that, Darko just tried to stand tall and glare at the men around him.

         “He made it right?” One of the men said, gesturing toward Darko. “He looks like he’s still on his mother’s tit.”

         Nigel scowled at the man. “He’s fucking small, but he’s vicious, took down one all by himself and found the other two in fucking minutes.”

         “You honestly expect us to believe that this boy-”

         “Darko.”

         “This Darko can protect another fucking package?” Bruno leaned forward to examine Darko, the boy tried not to flinch.

          Nigel raised his chin, setting his jaw. “Aș băga mâna în foc pentru el.”

         Bruno smiled. “Would you, Nigel?”

         “Would I what?”

         Bruno gestured to the hearth in the corner. “Would you actually put your hand in the fire for him?”

         “I said I would.”

         “Then do it.” Bruno sat back, his mouth smug.

         Nigel’s lip curled but he strode over to the hearth with steady steps. He never took his eyes off of Bruno as he thrust his hand over the flames. He let the hatred pour out of his eyes until he realized something was wrong.

         His hand wasn’t burning.

         He looked down to see a smaller hand underneath his, being licked by the flames. Behind Nigel, Darko bit his lips, but tears left clean trails in the blood stains on his cheeks. Nigel opened his mouth in shock, but the sound of applause drew his attention.

         “Very impressive, Darko.” A man with a potbelly and a mustache praised. “I like a boy with some loyalty. What do you think, Bruno?”

         “I think Nigel’s got himself a good fucking puppy.” Bruno laughed. “Tell me, Nigel, how did you train him?”

         A muscle in Nigel’s jaw ticked, he grabbed Darko’s hand and yanked it from the fire.

         “Always so quiet, Nigel.” Bruno stared at him again before waving his hand. “Alright, keep your Darko, but he’s your responsibility. That means you run the crew with him. And you take his debt.”

         Nigel nodded, pulling his wallet from his pocket and slamming a wad of bills on the table.

         “Well, I think we’re done here,” said one of the older men. “Get out.”

         Nigel grabbed Darko by the collar and pulled him out of the room.

         On the street, both boys started to laugh, adrenaline and fear leeching out of their bodies with every step.

         “That was fucking beautiful, Darko,” Nigel clapped a hand on Darko’s shoulder. “You showed them you have balls, man.”

         “I don’t know why I did that.” Darko’s hand was throbbing, but he still smiled.

         “Who fucking cares why?” Nigel ran a hand over his face, looking at the kid. “Fuck!”

         “What?”

         Nigel grabbed Darko by the wrist holding his burned hand aloft.

         “Your mom is going to be pissed.”

         They both smiled, laughing as they walked back to Livenzilor.  

 

_Old Town, Bucharest – 20 December 1990_

         Darko flexed his hand, the sting of the tattoo still on his skin. Nigel looked over and scoffed, this wasn’t the first tattoo he’d gotten, but it was the first he’d ever gotten with someone. Darko liked that they would share this bond forever. He wanted to peel back the bandage and look at it again.

         They both had the phrase _A_ _ș_ _b_ _ă_ _ga mâna în foc pentru el_ crawling up their index fingers. Nigel’s on his right hand, Darko’s on his left, which was still scarred from the flames. It was the only ink Darko had ever sought out, other than the brand over his heart that signified he was officially Coșmaruri.

         “Think she’ll like it?” Nigel asked as they trudged through the snow.

         “The ink or the apartment?”

         “Either.”      

         “She’ll hate both.” Darko answered with a shrug. “The ink is desecrating our bodies and the apartment will be too much.”

         Nigel smiled. “Is that why we’re moving her stuff without telling her, nenorocitule?”

         Darko nodded. “It’s better if we just don’t give her the choice.”

         “A stubborn Dalca? How fucking surprising,” Nigel teased, earning a glare from Darko.

         It had taken the better part of a decade, but Darko finally had the cash to move his mamă into a nice neighborhood. He and Nigel were running six crews for the Coșmaruri in Bucharest and would probably get a few more before the year was out. Darko had hit his growth spurt, he was now as broad as Nigel, but he still felt small. He was content to let his friend bash heads and stomp hands while he planned exchanges and made deals. It was a system that made them top producers and kept them universally feared.

         Nigel had become the big brother Darko had always hoped for. Fierce, crazy, and loyal to a fault, no one dared bother Darko while Nigel was with him. Mamă had taken an interest in Nigel, too. She let him sleep on their floor, or crumpled up on their couch, she convinced him to take out his piercings and let his hair grow brown. He almost looked normal, if you didn’t notice the burlesque girl tattoo on his neck. Darko had discovered that Nigel really liked having a family. Darko, in turn, liked having another man around to watch football, buy groceries for mamă, and help him chase girls.

         That’s why, when Darko started looking for clean cheap apartments, Nigel had stopped him.

         “We could get her a better place. Together. You find the place I’ll get you half the cash.” Nigel wouldn’t look at him, letting the offer linger between them. Darko had scoured the city, looking for apartments that would be grand enough for mamă. They settled on a three bedroom flat in Old Town, close to a church and far away from the drugs and shootings of Livenzilor Alley.

         They decided to move her in before Christmas. Darko had taken the rest of their combined money to buy new furniture, Nigel had saved his blow money to buy a giant fir tree and Christmas stockings. They found her at work, and drove her to the new place, Darko steering through the slushy roads while Nigel sat in the back with Constanța, a hand clapped over her eyes.

         “What have you idiots done now?”

         “Nothing, mamă.” Darko said. “Why are you so suspicious?”

         “Because you’re both good-for-nothing hoodlums who eat too much and spend too many nights out.” She smacked Nigel’s thigh. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you put more ink on your body.”

         Navigating Constanța up the stairs with Nigel’s meat hooks covering her eyes was difficult, but they managed not to go careening down the flights. When they uncovered her eyes, Constanța gasped, taking in the plaster sconces and leather living room set.

         “Who’s house is this? Did you rob someone?”

         “It’s your new flat, gorgeous.”

         “What? I-”

         “We already paid for it, mamă.” Darko beamed. “Furniture and all, it’s yours.”

         She shook her head briefly, eyes welling with tears.

         “My boys,” she whispered, drawing them both into a hug. Darko caught Nigel’s eye over his mother’s head, and smiled. They dragged her through the house, showing her all the furniture and bedrooms. Nigel was especially proud of the sofa.

         “Now I won’t have a stiff neck every time I stay over,” said Nigel, patting the leather cushions.

         “You won’t be sleeping on the sofa, it’s far too nice.” Constanța watched Nigel’s face fall. He was still such a baby. She tapped his chest and pointed at the guest room. “You sleep in your bedroom, Nigel, I won’t have you ruining my new living room with your filthy boots.”

         “But that’s the guest room.”

         “No, it’s the Nigel room.” Constanța corrected, running a hand through Nigel’s hair. “No boy of mine is going to sleep on a sofa when we have three good beds now.”

         Nigel’s eyes swam for just a moment. He dropped his gaze to collect himself. When he looked up, his smile was heartbreaking. Constanța wondered again what kind of life this boy had had. She’d seen the cigarette burns on his back and legs, watched his face turn stormy whenever his mother was mentioned. Sometimes, when he was coming down off a particularly brutal day, he’d tell her things as she wrapped his tattered knuckles and pressed ice to the worst of the bruises. He’d mutter about the smell of Țuică, and how it reminded him of his mother, of the men she used to let into their house, how he would sleep against his door in case they tried to come in his room, how mad she would get when he was able to keep them out. The unfairness of such a life stabbed at Constanța, she was furious that all she could do was love this battered boy and try to encourage the sweetness she knew lurked behind his scars and sneers.

         Darko pressed a kiss to Constanța’s temple as Nigel took her hand. She would always worry about her boys, but at least she had them with her.

         “I’ll move my things, then,” Nigel murmured, eyes falling back to his feet.

         “I already put them in your room,” Darko kept his eyes down too, but smiled when he felt Nigel shove his shoulder, an affectionate jostle from the Nebunul who lived with them.  

 

_Restaurant Vatra, Bucharest – 24 September, 2013_

         Darko supposed 43 was a reasonable age for a drug dealer to die. He’d always known, in the back of his mind, that he probably would die bloody. So why not today?

         The worst part was, it was his own damn fault. Trying to put Nigel back together after Gustaf was a nightmare. He was constantly high, starting fights, and fucking up deals. Darko knew the bosses were getting mad, but he kept covering for his stupid friend. Darko couldn’t even enjoy his fucking blow anymore, because if he let himself get high, no one was watching the Nebunul.

         When a punk kid had nearly gutted Nigel with a concealed blade, Darko had to hide it from the crews, perceived weakness would end them. He threw the kid’s body in IOR Park, near the lake where he had buried Gustaf. Darko hoped time in the dingy flat would help sober Nigel up, only Constanța was allowed to come by and tend his wounds. But Darko’s luck continued to fail him when Nigel was well enough to hear the music playing below him.

         Initially, Darko thought Gabi was a miracle. Enough youthful energy for Nigel’s tantrums, smart, talented – Gabi was the solution to everything, until she wasn’t. Nigel went right back to clubbing, snorting anything he could find off of anyone he could find, and beating the shit out of anyone who looked at him sideways. Darko couldn’t fault Gabi for finding someone else, but Christ her timing was shit.

         Darko had been putting money away, quietly. He had grand plans of leaving one day, taking his mother and Nigel, and fleeing the fucking city. Constanța had refused to even consider leaving Bucharest, and fucking Nigel would kick up a fuss because he wouldn’t leave his wife – never mind that she was fucking some cow eyed American.

         He was so focused on keeping Nigel in check and creating an escape plan, that he forgot the most basic rule of the drug trade: Check the fucking money. In the end, it wasn’t a gang war or a rival or even crazy fucking Nigel that killed Darko, it was some greedy fucking kid who wanted a blowjob and a new pair of fucking Nikes.

         Now, he had been called before the Coșmaruri council and that meant one of two things. The best case scenario was he was out, they’d cut off his brand make him pay back the money, and let him walk away in disgrace. The far more likely scenario was his bloated corpse being used as an example for all the bosses who forgot to check their fucking money.

         Darko would die like a man. He hadn’t had a bad life. He’d fucked some beautiful women, made enough money to buy flashy rims for his Bentley, and gave his mother a beautiful fucking apartment. He could live with that. He’d asked Nigel to take Constanța on holiday for the weekend. Nigel was too high to wonder why Darko couldn’t do it, but at least both of them would be out of the city when his body turned up. It would hit the papers and give them enough time to get out of the country. Maybe Nigel would sober up if he had to take care of Constanța on his own.

         Walking into the backroom of Restaurant Vatra, Darko felt 13 again. The same fears gripped at his chest, but this time there was no Nigel to look to, he’d have to do this on his own. He stood tall when he faced the council, trying not to notice the roll of plastic sheeting in the corner. He focused on Bruno, who’d gotten fat with age, his jowls shaking with every breath.

         “Darko, I suppose you know why you’re here.”

         Darko nodded, he didn’t trust his voice.

         “You know what happens when you steal from us, Darko.”

         “I didn’t steal.”

         “I don’t care if you took it, Nigel took it, or the fucking tooth fairy took it, Darko.” Bruno glared from his seat. “It’s missing and that’s on you.”

         “I know where it is.” Darko turned to see Nigel walking casually into the room.

         “Did it go up your nose, Nigel? Or up your ass like your dead little faggot?”

         Nigel smiled, Darko felt panic threading through his veins. His plan to save Nigel and his mother had clearly gone to shit. Darko noticed a long cut on Nigel’s arm, a cut that had definitely not been there that morning.

         “You were always funny, Bruno,” Nigel said, voice as steady and even as the tide. He walked behind the table as the men laughed. “It’s why I’ll miss you.”

         Nigel never lost a stride as he fired a bullet into Bruno’s brain, causing a breathtaking mess on the starched linen tablecloth. The shot and the resultant spatter caused a panic, yet Nigel stayed calm. Darko was frozen in place watching his best friend in the world blow the heads off of the most powerful men in Romania.

         The last old gangster was trying to crawl out of the room, yelling for the guards.

         “They’re dead old man,” Nigel said as he crouched down. “I killed them first, like you taught me.”

         “Let me live and you can walk away,” the old man said, voice trembling. “You kill me and there’ll be war.”

         Nigel smiled, tapping the gun to the crown of his head as he thought.

         “I wish I could, but you tried to kill my brother.” Nigel pulled the trigger, blood splattering on his face. “Nobody kills my brother but me.”

         The final shot seemed to jar Darko out of his stupor.

         “Tapes,” he mumbled, turning to Nigel. “There’s a camera right fucking there, we need the tape.”

         Nigel nodded. Darko yanked a napkin from the table, dunking it in water and using it to clean Nigel’s face.

         “It would have been ok,” Darko murmured, wiping at the blood and gore. “I know you would have looked after mamă.”

         “Stop saying shit like that,” Nigel grabbed Darko’s left hand with his right, melding their tattoos. “It’s fucking weird and someday someone’ll take you up on it.”

         Darko looked at Nigel for a moment before he lunged, enfolding Nigel in a shaking hug. Surprisingly, Darko felt Nigel’s arms curl around him, squeezing reassuringly as Darko shook. After a long moment, Darko’s breath returned to normal and Nigel let him go, eyes on his feet.

         “Don’t get too fucking cocky, I only did this cause Constanța would piss and moan that I got her only son killed. You know how she gets when she’s mad.” Nigel grumbled at the ground. He hit Darko’s shoulder. “Come on, nenorocitule, let’s get the fucking tape.  

* * *

         “We could have stayed, I guess, tried to take over, but I saw a chance to get away and I took it.” Darko stretched his neck. “There was such confusion, with the Coșmaruri, with Gabi, with everything…I just grabbed Nigel and took off for the states. Mamă still wouldn’t come, but she begged me to leave and never come back. She was afraid if I did, I’d go right back to trafficking, I guess. I gave her the money I saved. That meant we were basically broke when we got here, so we started a small time operation to get by. But that all changed when Nigel met Cosmo. He helped us figure out something to do that’s legal. And we’re fucking good at it.”

         Darko looked at Bev, eyes searching for something. When she stayed silent, he cleared his throat and dropped his eyes to his lap, nervously fiddling with his phone.

         “What, uh, do you think?”

         Bev knew what she should think. She knew what Jack would say, knew what face Jimmy would make when he heard about this. Phillip Dalca was a career criminal, a drug dealer, and thug who hung out with violent murderers. He was also a stupid kid who tried to help his mother earn money so they could stay in a shit apartment. A guy who bought his mama a nice apartment as soon as he could afford it. A man who was willing to face his death if it spared the people he loved. She fingered the piece of metal around her neck, and looked into his tired eyes.

         “I think it’s late and you should come back to bed.” She stood, grabbing his phone from him, and holding out her hand. He kissed her knuckles as he got up, looping his arm around her waist and nuzzling into her neck as she led him back to the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations:**  
>  _Nebunul_ \- the lunatic  
>  _ciorba de fasole cu ciolan_ \- bean soup  
>  _plăcinte cu brânză dulce_ \- fried dough stuffed with sweet cheese  
>  _nenorocitule_ \- motherfucker  
>  _Aș băga mâna în foc pentru el_ \- I would put my hand in fire for him/ I vouch for him


	10. Adult Fucking Relationship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darko discovers what it's like to be in an adult relationship. Adam gets some news.

         Bev woke to the frantic pinging sound of her message alert. She shifted, which caused Darko’s arms to wind tighter around her torso, drawing her back towards an enticing drowsy warmth. She knew she should grab the phone, but she let herself enjoy a few more heartbeats worth of cuddly Romanian before she attempted another move. He grumbled at her persistence.

         “Ignore it.”

         “It could be work,” she said, even as she settled back against his chest.

         “It could be, but it’s not,” he murmured, lips catching the shell of her ear as he nosed behind it. “It’s Cosmo.”

         She turned, squinting at his face in the early morning light. Fuck, he was sexy all sleep rumpled and smirky.

         “You think Adam is blowing up my phone at…what time is it?”

         “It’s 6:57, the texts started precisely at 6:45, that’s how I know it’s Cosmo.” He yawned, releasing her to stretch. “That, and my phone’s going off too.”

         “Is he ok? Jesus, my phone’s still going off.” She moved, snatching her phone from the charger. Twelve text messages – all from Adam.

         Darko sighed, sitting up. “The first three will be apologies about dinner, the next four or so will be about me and how wonderful I am, the last few could be asking you to do dinner or lunch, or maybe some random space shit he read when he woke up this morning – it’s a tossup.”

         Bev raised an eyebrow, opening her phone.

>           ** _6:45am  
>  _**_Good morning, Bev. I wanted to apologize for getting upset last night._
> 
> _**6:46am**_ _  
>  _ _I should have handled my stress better, but without Nigel I’ve been feeling very unsettled._
> 
> _**6:47am**_ _  
>           Nigel and I talked for a while last night, and we masturbated, so I’m feeling much better. After, I realized I hadn’t apologized to you or thanked you for helping clean up._
> 
> _**6:49am  
>  **_ _Nigel said I should wait to text you until the morning. He said you probably needed sleep after last night._
> 
> _**6:50am  
>  **_ _I also wanted to ask if you made a decision about Darko._
> 
> _**6:51am  
>  **_ _I think you should talk to Darko, he really is a good man. If you want me to be there to mediate a conversation between you two, I’m excellent at keeping conversations on topic._
> 
> _**6:52am  
>  **_ _Also, he misses you, and I think you miss him too. His hygiene has suffered since you stopped talking to him._
> 
> _**6:53am  
>  **_ _I don’t think he looks good with a beard. Nigel looks good with a beard, but I’m not sure about Darko._
> 
> _**6:55am  
>  **_ _His hair is getting a little long too._
> 
> _**6:57am  
>  **_ **** _Unless you prefer it that way._
> 
> _**6:58am  
>  **_ _I won’t ask him to shave or cut his hair if you find him more desirable this way, it should be your preference._
> 
> _**7am  
>  **_ _Do you want to get lunch today or maybe Monday? I could apologize properly and we could talk about your Darko decision, maybe his hair too._

 

         Bev put her phone down and pursed her lips. “You are eerily good at that.”

         Darko nodded at the phone, “But now he’s seen that you’ve read them, so you’d better respond or the phone calls will start.”

         Bev smiled, scooting up the bed until she was leaning against Darko’s bare torso, head resting on his shoulder. She raised her phone.

         “Smile!”

         “What?”

          _Click._

         Bev looked at the photo. Darko’s head was tilted down, brows furrowed in confusion. Bev was grinning at him, eyes dancing. She sighed when she spotted her nipple, quickly opening the editor and slightly cropping the frame. Some things even Adam didn’t need to know.

>           ** _7:06am  
>  _** [image sent 7:06am]  
>            _Made my decision about Darko, though you’re right, he’s looking hella scruffy. We should discuss a new look for him, maybe at Sunday dinner?_

Darko stared at her, mouth open.

         “Did you just send Cosmo a naked picture?”

         “Relax. I cropped the nip out.” She glanced at her phone. “Well, not your nip.”

         Darko’s phone rang. He could feel Bev shaking against him, laughing silently as he picked up.

         “Hello Cosmo.” He sighed, digging his fingers into the sensitive spot under Bev’s ribs and watching her squirm.

         “Darko, are you still with Beverly?”

         “Hi Adam!”

         “I’m glad you’re together. I’m going to call Nigel, he’ll be so happy. Can he tell your mom, Darko?”

         “That I’m having sex?”

         “That you’re still with Beverly, although I suppose she’ll know you’re having sex since you’re staying with her. I don’t think she’ll mind, she was very nice about seeing me naked.”

         Darko closed his eyes and tried to think of calming things like kittens and beaches. He pictured a red balloon. It didn’t help that Beverly was still giggling into his neck.

         Or maybe it did.

         He grabbed her hip and rolled them, pinning her to the bed. The phone fell between them in the struggle.

         “Oh, are you guys having sex again?”

         Bev shrugged. “We could. It’s too late for my run, anyway.”

         Darko snatched the phone off of Bev’s belly. “I’ll call you back later, ok Cosmo?”

         “Sure! If you need any advice about clitoral stimulation or vaginal orgasms I still have some research on my computer from when I was dating Beth.”

         Darko dropped his head to Bev’s shoulder, muttering in Romanian.

         “Thanks Adam!” Bev angled her head toward the phone. “He’s doing ok so far, but I’ll let you know!”

         Darko ended the call, chucking the phone off the bed.

         “Ok? I’m doing ok?”

         “Solid B-plus so far.” Bev wrapped her legs around Darko’s hips.

         “Is this just what it’s going to be like now? You giving me shit?” He thumbed her nipple, lips nipping at her collarbone.

         “Yeah,” Bev gasped, rolling her hips. “Just like before, except I’ll be naked more often. Welcome to adult relationships, Phil.” 

                                                  

* * *

         Darko found he didn’t mind the barrage of knowing smiles and raised eyebrows. He’d walked into the office with a swagger in his step and a box of fresh doughnuts. Eddie had smiled and elbowed Juan. Ralph had merely slapped his hand on Darko’s shoulder and grabbed a cruller.

         People knocked on his office door, registered complaints, checked to see if he wanted lunch. It was nice to be part of the crew again, even if someone had left a box of condoms on his desk when he got back from lunch. Another person, it had to be Ralph, had changed his computer background to a cat scientist.

         He left it, texting a picture of the screen to Beverly.

By the time he got to Adam’s for dinner, newly shaved and hair neatly trimmed, Darko decided he didn’t mind being the office joke. Bev had a late meeting with the Chief of Police tonight, but she said she’d come by his place in the morning, after her jog. Darko couldn’t be bothered to care about anything besides the promise of sweaty Beverly Katz, flushed and smiling on his doorstep. 

         “Am nevoie de două dormitoare plat, cu o vedere frumoasă și un contract cuprinzător de întreținere.” 

         Darko snapped out of his reverie. Was Adam speaking Romanian? Really shitty Romanian?

         Moving down the hall, Darko ducked his head into the kitchen. Adam sat with a phone pressed to his ear, his computer open to Google Translate.

         “No! Uh wait! Uh…. Am nevoie de tine pentru a încetini… OK, acum vorbesc.” Adam held the phone up to his computer, clicking a button. “No I don’t want…uh… un moment.”

         Adam started typing furiously into the little dialog box.

         “What are you doing, Cosmo?”

         “Darko! Tell this lady that I’m not interested in the district she’s talking about. I outlined the six streets that would be best for Constanța. They’re close to her friends, the market she prefers and the shops on the corners all sell her brand of cigarettes.”

         Adam handed Darko a printout, the email must have been run through Google Translate as well.

         “I’ll be surprised if she understood half of this, Cosmo. Isn’t Nigel handling this?”

         Adam sniffed, taking back the printout.  

         “I called a new realtor in Bucharest, I thought if I helped gather listings, Nigel might come home faster.” His fingers tapped little patterns beside the laptop. “I needed a script, you know it’s hard for me to talk over the phone if I don’t have some practice. And you were busy with Bev this morning. I was doing my best to sound out the words.”

         Darko felt something lurch in his chest and held out his hand.

         “Give me the phone, I’ll do this, you get dinner ready.” Adam handed over the phone with a small smile. “After dinner, we’ll have a Romanian lesson, teach you some things you might need to say. And for Christ’s sake, never use Google Translate again, ok?”

         Adam nodded, he patted Darko’s chest lightly as he moved past him to the freezer.

* * *

         Darko was pressing firm kisses along Beverly’s thighs. It must be noon by now, but she’d couldn’t be sure. The hours since Darko had opened his door, tossed Beverly over his shoulder, and sprinted toward his bedroom had been filled with languid fucking and dozing. 

         Bev was just about to suggest ordering in when Darko had started his wet lipped descent down her body. Apparently, he was feeling a little more motivated than she was. She could appreciate a man with ambition.

         “I’m going to lick your pretty cun-”

         Bev nudged him with her foot.

         “Could you not say that?”

         Darko looked up from between her thighs, eyes worried. “You want me to stop?”

         “No! God no, I just…I hate that word.” She had been called that by too many perps to find it sexy.

         "Well, what do you want me to say?“ Darko was still craning his neck to meet her eyes and she tried not to laugh at his ridiculous position.

         Bev paused, breath heaving in her chest. "I have no fucking idea.”

         Darko sighed, shifting slightly to prop his head on her thigh and raise an eyebrow. “Vagina?”

         "Nope.“

         "Pussy?”

         "Meh.“

         "Dewy flower of love?”

         "Don’t be fucking gross.“

         "How about-” Bev squeezed her thighs around Darko’s shoulders, he smirked up at her.

         "How about less talk more action and we can worry about vocabulary when we do the post-game recap?“

         “Yes ma’am, Dr. Katz.” He managed a little salute as he lowered himself between her thighs.

* * *

         “I don’t understand what you mean by super nova. Are there, like, just ok novas?”

         Bev lifted her head off of Darko’s lap to smack him, glaring. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Let Adam do his speech.”

         “Oh no!” Adam said, fixing his shirt. “I already have the talk memorized. I need Darko and you to interrupt me with questions and non sequiturs. That’s what we’re practicing, responding to spontaneous interruptions in a socially acceptable way.”

         “Yeah Bev, stop fucking up practice,” Darko taunted, smacking at her lightly. She made a face.

         “It’s not Bev’s fault she fucked up, she misunderstood the exercise,” Adam said magnanimously, making Darko snicker. “I’m sure she’ll be better next time. Let’s try again.”

         He cleared his throat and flexed his hands. “Supernovas can radiate more energy than our sun in its-”

         “How much energy is that?” Bev asked in a valley girl accent.

         “Our sun generates 1.4 x 10^31 Joules of energy per hour.”

         “So…like a lot?”

         Darko rolled his eyes at her. Adam formed his mouth into a little pout.

         “Yes, that is considered a lot of energy. As I was saying a supernova-”

         There was a knock at the door.

         “Wow, you guys go all out for interruptions,” Bev said.

         “This is unusual.” Adam moved to the door, signing for a giant bouquet of red balloons tied to a box. Closing the door, he walked back to the living room. Bev sat up, moving next to Darko and patting the cushion next to her.

         “Those are pretty.”

         “Yes, apparently they’re for me.” Adam untied the balloons, letting them drift to the ceiling. Inside the box was a plush anatomical heart and a small stack of papers. He glanced at them. “Nigel is divorced. This is supposed to be his heart, which he sent to me for safekeeping.”

         Darko crowed, jumping off the couch, grabbing Adam’s hands, and spinning him around the room while Bev laughed. He stopped when he noticed Adam wasn’t laughing.

         “Cosmo?”

         “He’s divorced, but he isn’t home. I don’t want balloons or toys,” He looked to Darko, and then to Bev. “Would you mind leaving? I think I’d like to be alone, please.”

         “Do you think you’ll stay calm?” Bev asked, eyes soft.

         Adam nodded. “I think I’d like to go to bed early. Dinner was fun, I’m glad you came, Beverly.”

         “Cosmo, I-” Darko stopped when Bev placed a hand on his arm.

         “You get some rest, and text me when you get up, I want to start planning our lunch on Tuesday, ok?”

         Adam looked at Bev for a fleeting moment. “You don’t need to check on me, I told you I’m calm.”

         “Even so, we need to talk lunch.” Bev leaned closer to Adam. “And you know Darko’s going to spend the whole night worrying about whether he should have left. Text me in the morning and he’ll feel better.

         “Ok.”

         “Goodnight Cosmo, call me if you need anything.”

         “I just need Nigel.”

         Darko bit his lip, fingers finding Bev’s and gripping her hand. “I know, man, I know.”

* * *

         Tuesday’s lunch turned into a family affair, Darko showing up at the observatory with Bev and a picnic basket. He made sandwiches and snacks, allowing Adam to lead them to a cluster of shaded benches.

         “How you doing, Cosmo?”

         Adam bit into his sandwich, roast beef with a light smear of butter. “I feel really sad most of the time, but I know Nigel does too. I don’t think he’s happy in Bucharest. He’s getting thinner and he looks tired.”

         Darko nodded, passing Bev a soda. “I’ll never be able to thank him for what he’s doing. I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to him.”

         “Why don’t you just tell him that?” Bev asked.

         "Because we’re not women!” Darko dismissed. “Men don’t do that feeling shit unless they’re gay!”

         "Ok, first,” Bev swatted Darko’s forehead with a rolled up napkin. “Don’t ever say anything that stupid again. Second, your friend is literally fucking him.“

         She pointed to Adam.  

         "We’re bisexual, though, not gay.” Adam corrected, leaning around Bev to look at Darko. “It’s ok, Nigel still has a lot of odd concepts about traditional masculinity. You’re from an older generation with a more rigid view of sexuality. It was hard for Harlan to understand that I fell in love with a man, but still feel attraction toward women too.”

         "I’m not fucking Harlan’s age!“ Darko hit Adam in the chest with a grape, scowling. Adam brushed the projectile off his lap with a small frown.

         "How old are you?” Bev raised a brow, chewing thoughtfully on her roast beef. Darko narrowed his eyes at her.

         "Nigel just turned 50, Darko is forty-“

         "SHUT UP, Cosmo!”

         "Oh, see, now who’s acting like a woman?“ Bev laughed. Then she squinted, leaning closer to Darko’s face. "Wait, you’re in your late 40s?”

         "Yes,“ Darko huffed.

         "Fuck, your skin is great.” Bev traced a finger along his cheek.

         "You don’t care?“

         "No, why would I want to date some child in their 30s?”

         Darko smiled, before turning to her. “Wait, how old are you?”

         "OH, so that matters to you?” Bev’s voice was steely and Darko immediately tensed. “You, with the glitter smears and the panties stuck to your pants? You’re judging me based on my age? Am I less attractive if I’m not in my 20s?“

         “That is not what I meant. I was just curious,” Darko was turning a deep crimson color, his eyes going wide. “You asked me first! I just wanted to know! I mean obviously you’re not in your 20s…NOT THAT YOU LOOK OLD.”

         Darko went mute with panic.

         Beverly raised an eyebrow in Adam’s direction. "Is it this easy to fluster the other one into silence?”

         "If I want Nigel to be quiet, it’s easier to offer sex.” Adam popped another bite of sandwich into his mouth.

         “It usually is, man. It usually is.” Bev laughed, slinging her arm around Adam. The kid allowed the touch, neither flinching nor trying to move from under Beverly’s embrace. Darko’s breath caught and watched as the two teased him, his chest feeling oddly warm.

* * *

         “I know what you’re doing.” Bev didn’t take her eyes off the coroner’s report she was reviewing.

         “I’m reading,” Darko responded. It was true he had a final proposal up on his tablet, even if it didn’t have his full attention.

         “Uh-huh,” Bev looked up, peering at him through the reading glasses that turned her into the sexy scientist of his dreams. “And the arm around my shoulder?”

         His hand was around mid-arm right now, thumb stroking softly. “Is there because I like you? And you looked cold.”

         “So chivalrous.” She rolled her eyes slightly and went back to her report.

         Darko waited a ten count before moving his hand again, inching slowly toward the edge of her tank top. She made no comment when his fingers slipped under the soft white cotton, but the papers shuffled slightly when his thumb started gently grazing her nipple.

         He smiled as he felt it perk under his glancing touches. Darko could feel Bev’s eyes on him, he kept his fixed on the proposal he wasn’t reading, a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth.

         With a sigh, Bev removed his hand, sat the report on her nightstand, and straddled Darko’s hips. She had left the glasses on and Darko felt his stomach jolt. He tossed the tablet on the ground, giving her an innocent look.

         “Did you need something?”

         “What would you do if I started stroking your dick every time you were trying to read a security proposal?” Bev ground lightly down, just enough to get the blood rushing south.

         “Read more security proposals.” Darko offered her a big grin and kissed her, hands grabbing her waist and encouraging her grinding.

         “You’re the fucking worst,” Bev murmured into his mouth. She sucked on his lower lip for a moment as he ran his hand under her tank. He pulled it over her head, but she grabbed his cheeks before he could reach her chest, stilling him. “When we’re done, you’re making coffee and bringing it to me, along with the rest of the reports in my bag.”

         He turned, kissing her wrist.

         “When we’re done,” he agreed, moving to take her nipple into his mouth.

* * *

**To:** PriceIsRight@gmail.com, ZeeZeeTop@gmail.com  
**From:** BKatz@gmail.com  
**Subject:** Don’t be you two about this, ok?

SO…

I’m dating Dalca.

I know.

I KNOW, JAMES.

Look, he’s not the guy in the files. I know I sound like literally every crazy woman who ever appeared on Cops, but you have to believe me. He’s smart, funny, and sweet. He’s got a good, LEGAL job and a fantastic friend. You’ll understand when you meet him.

I’m aware that you’re going to mock the shit out of me until the sun dies, but keep in mind that I chose to tell you anyway. I like him, guys. I think he’s good for me.

Fuck you both and all the jailhouse rock jokes I’m going to hear.

~Bev

No, Z, it’s not about the sex. Well, it’s not completely about the sex.  

 

 

**To:** Bkatz@gmail.com  
**From:** PriceIsRight@gmail.com  
**Subject:** Bitch Slap Some Sense into Beverly 2K16

SO…

I attached my flight information below, see your crazy ass Thursday.  

~Price

PS: Z wants you to know that he went half in on this ticket, because even he can see you’ve lost your goddamn mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations**  
>  _Am nevoie de două dormitoare plat, cu o vedere frumoasă și un contract cuprinzător de întreținere._ \- I need a two bedroom flat with a nice view and a comprehensive maintenance contract.  
>  _Am nevoie de tine pentru a încetini… OK, acum vorbesc._ \- I need you to slow down. OK, now speak.


	11. Nice License Plate, Did He Make It?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy Price blows into town to blow up Bev and Darko.

         Bev pulled the Challenger into the arrival zone, scanning the crowd. Darko had insisted she take the car, as Uber would have cost an arm and a leg. She promised him a litany of increasingly filthy acts when she returned, as she always did when he let her drive. 

         Leaning against the door, she waved when she finally spotted Jimmy, who apparently thought a sunhat would be necessary for a long weekend. She smiled and moved to embrace him, but a firm hand grabbed her arm. Price shoved the blousy sleeves of her shirt up, inspecting.

         “Always so good to see you, Jimmy,” Bev said, yanking her arm back. “What are you doing?”

         “Looking for the track marks. Did he show you how to hide them already?”

         Bev rolled her eyes. “Put your shit in the car before I leave you here.”

         “I thought you didn’t have a car.”

         Bev gave him a pointed look before popping the trunk.

         “It is a nice car,” Jimmy allowed, putting his bags in the trunk and slamming it closed. “Oh! And a nice license plate. Did he make it?”

         Bev groaned. “You’re better than that, Jimmy! Zeller would say that!”

         “Actually, that was his line.” Jimmy shrugged. “I promised him I’d use it.”

         “And I’m the one making bad choices because of sex?”

         Jimmy just raised an eyebrow. “The wildest thing Brian Zeller has ever done in his life is brought flavored lube home. Not the same thing.”

         Bev shook her head. “You know, I really have not missed knowing things like that. Get in the goddamn car before I make you walk.”

                                                 

* * *

         “So where is he? Choir practice? Parole meeting? Should we turn on the news and see if the armed pursuit is in progress?” Jimmy sat his bags on the guest bed and looked at Bev.

         “He doesn’t have asshole friends who drop in on him, so he still has to go to work.” Bev threw an armful of towels at Jimmy. “He’s meeting us for dinner.”

         “Is it visiting day at the prison cafeteria?”

         “Are you done?”

         “I suppose,” Jimmy roped Bev into a one armed hug, pressing his forehead to her hers. She resisted briefly before allowing the embrace. “Seriously, you’re ok? You know Z and I don’t give a shit if you made a bad choice. We love you and we just want to be sure you’re ok.”

         Bev head butted him softly, mouth curving. “He’s a good choice, Jimmy. He’s the right choice for me.”

         Jimmy huffed, squeezing her slightly.

         “So what do we do until dinner time? Bake some files into cakes?”

         Bev smacked his chest.

                                                  

* * *

         Bev had taken Jimmy to her labs for the afternoon, distracting him with the new toys she had gotten as part of her budget increase. He had pawed the spectrometers, cooed over the new chemical organization system, and found a filing error in the autopsy reports that littered her assistant’s desk. 

         They FaceTimed Z from and In-and-Out Burger, teasing him as they ate fries. Eventually, Jimmy took over the call, nattering to Brian about Bev’s beachy chic apartment, the lab facilities, whether or not Brian had finished the analysis of the substance they found at the Jacobi’s home. She had always been a bit jealous of these conversations, which could be about anything and everything yet felt so achingly intimate no matter the subject. It felt familiar now, the mundane tenderness that came with sharing a life.

         She smiled and sent Darko a selfie with fries hanging out of her mouth. His reply was a selfie glowering at her over the rim of what must have been his eighth cup of coffee. She was typing out a reply when she noticed Jimmy’s eyes on her. She hadn’t even heard him end the call with Z.  

         “You know why I came here, right?” Jimmy looked at her over his sunglasses, sipping on his shake.

         “Because you think I’m nuts.” Bev toyed with her microscope pendant, the press in her fingers had become a reassuring feeling. “I’m not.”

         “I’m going to try to scare him away.”

         Bev smiled, dunking her fries in her shake. “You won’t.”

         Jimmy rolled his eyes, nailing Bev in the forehead with a fry. “Fine, tell me about prisoner 24601.”

                                                  

* * *

         Kiyokawa was a bit of a drive, but Bev knew Jimmy had been dying to try the chef’s sashimi tasting menu since she’d sent him the write up about it months ago. She was hoping the promise of astounding hotate and aji would be enough to keep her prickly best friend in a good mood.

         “Is he even going to be here on time?” Jimmy was glaring at the swarm of people in front of the restaurant. “You do have his getaway car.”

         Bev rolled her eyes. “His parole officer is dropping him off.”

         She scanned the tables, finding a familiar pair of broad shoulders hunched in a booth by the window. She nudged Price and nodded toward Darko.

         “Is he behind the mountain?” Jimmy squinted, craning.

         “He is the mountain.” Bev tried not to sound too smug.

         “Sweet baby Jesus, THAT is Darko Dalca? He was like 90 pounds in his mug shot,” Jimmy stared. “Did he eat the other prisoners or just bench press them?”

         Beverly shoved him toward the table.

         “I get it now,” Jimmy stage whispered. “Look at those shoulders, who fucking cares if he sold coke. I’d buy some if he promised to take his shirt off.”

         Darko was texting when they made the table, glaring in concentration as he tapped out a message. Jimmy was struck by how mean he looked, but that changed when Bev came into view. Darko’s brows smoothed and his face split into a huge goofy grin that crinkled his eyes and softened his face. He stood with surprising agility, kissing Bev on the cheek and pressing his nose to her hair when she hugged him.

         Jimmy looked at his friend, so comfortable in the arms of the world’s scariest teddy bear, and for a moment he forgot all the reports he had read to Brian about the Coșmaruri.

         Then, the brick wall seemed to notice him, turning away from Bev and scowling at Jimmy.

         “What’s up, man? You wanna buy a gram or what?”

         Jimmy froze, eyebrows high until Bev smacked Darko on the shoulder. He winked at Price before offering an innocent face to Bev.

         She rolled her eyes at him, flopping into the booth. Darko followed and Jimmy noticed that Bev, famous at Quantico for her tendency to throw an elbow to get some extra room at a conference table, was practically crowding the man next to her. Darko slipped one arm around Bev’s back and extended the other to Jimmy.

         “Phillip Dalca, or Darko, if you prefer.”

         “No one prefers Darko. Ever.” Bev snitted as Darko and Jimmy shook hands.

         “So, Phil, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

         “All good, I hope.”

         “Well, you only have one conviction, so I suppose that is pretty good for a career criminal.”

         Darko shrugged. “I’ve known better, probably why I switched careers.”

         Jimmy squinted at Darko for a minute, then bit his lip. He had to at least give the speech he worked on with Brian.

         “Look, I certainly see what Bev sees in you. You’re gorgeous. Honestly I was expecting this skinny kid with beady rat eyes and fish lips and she fucking takes me to dinner with some sort of sentient marble statue. I mean your shoulders are just ridiculous, could you bench press me? How many people per day try to sink their teeth into those puppies because Jesus Henry Christ…” Price stopped, shaking his head lightly. Bev was staring at him from between her fingers. “Anyway, I just wanted to say to you that I get it, but I also get that most drug dealers don’t become altar boys. I won’t be charmed by those impressive fucking pecs. Well, not as charmed. Anyway, I know who you are and what you do, and I’m not going to let Bev be used or taken advantage of. I know what people like you are capable of and I know how to make life hell for people with your background. So you better do better than impressive muscle tone and a few jokes about coke dealing if you want my approval.”

         Darko held Jimmy’s eyes for a moment, face solemn, before turning to Bev. “You only want me for my body?”

         She smiled. “Uh, duh.”

         “I feel so used.” Darko slapped a hand over his heart, eyes wide. The hand moved to cover his eyes. “I can’t believe I let you do those things to me!”

         “Come on baby, don’t act like you didn’t have a good time.” Bev was doing her best to look serious, but laughter huffed at the end of her sentence.

         “You two can stop, now,” Jimmy said. Bev snickered, Darko smiled at her, soft and warm before looking up. It was a little scary how fast his eyes could harden when he wasn’t looking at Bev.

         “Everything you said was true. I was a fucking fucker for most of my life. But I’ve changed. I have good friends and a legal business now. I’m doing my best to prove that I’m a good man to Bev. But if I were in your shoes? I’d be doing everything I could to stop this relationship. So no hard feelings, ok man?” Darko smiled, and Jimmy had to fight not to return the expression. “And I’ll tell you what, when your visit is over and Bev is still with me, I’ll let you cry on one of my impressive shoulders before your go.”

         Darko winked, Bev snorted into her water. Jimmy took a long look at Dalca’s shoulders and decided it wouldn’t be the end of the world to end up crying on one. 

                                                  

* * *

         Bev ran her lips softly up the underside of Darko’s cock, lightly flicking her tongue over the straining tip. His whole body was pulled taut, shuddering lightly as he tried to stay silent. She watched him bite at his hand, maintaining eye contact as she gently pushed back his foreskin and sucked a kiss around the head of his cock. 

         A broken whimper escaped from behind the meat of his fist, and she hummed smugly as she took him down. 

          ** _BANG BANG BANG_**

Darko jumped at the noise, nearly choking Bev. She coughed lightly, turning to her door.

         “Hey Bev? You still up?” Jimmy sounded way too fucking amused. Darko scowled at the door and for a second Bev thought she saw the murderous criminal from Bucharest.

         Another knock.

         “Hello?”

         “What Price?” Bev let the exasperation flood her voice.

         “Can I borrow something?”

         With a sigh, Bev heaved herself off the bed. She threw on Darko’s black t-shirt and stomped over to the door, ripping it open.

         “What?”

         Jimmy’s face was neutral, but laughter danced in his eyes.

         “I was wondering if I could borrow lube? I forgot mine and, well Z is going to call soon.” He looked around her shoulder to Darko, who was sprawled out on the bed, glaring even as he continued to pitch a very impressive tent in the sheets. “Oh hey Phil, I thought you’d left.”

         Beverly glowered at him. “What do you think you’re doing?”

         “Asking for an embarrassing personal item from my best friend? I mean I guess I could use your lotion but honestly I’ve never really liked the scent of jasmine. Do you have unscented lo-”

         “HERE.”

         The lube flew by Bev’s head and Jimmy made a surprised little noise when it nailed him in the chest. He recovered the bottle from the floor and smiled waving to Darko.  

         “Thanks! Oh, good stuff! Night you two!” Jimmy took off for his room.

         Bev turned, running her hand through her hair. “He thinks he’s cute. But he’s forgotten who he’s fucking with.”

         Darko raised an eyebrow. “What are you thinking?”

         Bev smiled. “Toss me my phone.”

         Bev went to her contacts and dialed. After a moment, she smiled into the phone “Hey Jack! I know, it’s been too long. I called because I need you to do me a favor. Can you call Z? Oh no worries I just texted you his number… Yeah, I just need you to call and say you know what he’s about to do and that he better not even think about it… Yeah, yeah, come on Jack, please? It’ll piss off Price…Thanks! I promise I’ll call you to catch up soon, ok?”

         Bev hooked the phone back to the charger and moved to the wall, listening. After a moment, Darko joined her, pressing his ear to the plaster. It only took about 10 minutes.

         “ _Brian, what are you talking about, what could he possibly know?…This is so childish, he’s not even our boss- Seriously? Brian, what you mean you can’t even get hard now? You know Bev did this, right? WHY she did it isn’t important. NO, IT’S NOT MY FAULT. UGH, JUST GO TO BED AND I’LL CALL YOUR INSANE ASS TOMORROW. YES I STILL LOVE YOU, YOU MORON._ "

         Bev turned and giggled into Darko’s chest.

         “You’re fucking mean, Dr. Katz.” He grabbed her and pulled her up into a tight embrace.

         “He started it,” Bev said, nipping lightly at Darko’s lower lip. “Now let’s be sure to be very quiet, I’d hate to think he’d hear us.”

         Darko grinned before tossing her on the bed.

* * *

         “You’re ten minutes late,” Adam frowned at Beverly as she rushed up the walkway to the observatory, a man in dark glasses trailing her.

         “I’m so sorry, Adam! My friend Jimmy could not get his ass in gear this morning.”

         “Apologies, I didn’t sleep well last night. Must have been the unfamiliar mattress,” Jimmy muttered. “Or all the moaning.”

         “Oh, did Bev and Darko have sex last night?” Adam turned to Bev. “I hope it was good.”

         “It was great, thanks,” Bev said with a smile. “Oh, and Jimmy this is Adam, one of Darko’s best friends. He works at the observatory and gives tours. Adam this is Jimmy, I’ve told you about him. He’s here to meet you guys.”

         “Darko says you’re here to cockblock him.” Adam said in his usual monotone. “You shouldn’t do that, Darko is happy with Bev.”

         Jimmy raised an eyebrow at Adam. “Yes, well is Bev really happy with Darko?”

         Adam furrowed his brow. “Why would you ask me? Bev’s right there.”

         He pointed at Bev, who beamed at Adam. Jimmy rolled his eyes.

         “So I hear there’s a tour?”

         “Oh, yes.” Adam cleared his throat and straightened his posture. His face transformed into a bright, but rather vacant smile. “Greetings and welcome to the Mount Wilson Observatory. My name is Adam and I’ll be helping you navigate the cosmos today. If you’ll step this way we can begin our tour with a bit of history on the location. Please watch your step and make sure all small children are taken by the hand.”

         Adam walked to the door. Jimmy looked around at the decidedly empty surrounding area. Who the fuck was this kid talking to? He opened his mouth but felt Bev squeeze his hand hard. He looked up in time to see her shake her head. He sighed and followed Adam into the building. 

                                                  

* * *

         Darko stepped into Roy’s only to find Beverly waiting for him in the foyer. His first reaction was a big smile, but it pulled tight. He could never quite trust his happiness. 

         “Please tell me you aren’t waiting out here because Cosmo is freaking out.”

         Bev rolled her eyes and pulled him in for a long, slow kiss. She shot a smug look at the hostess who was blatantly staring.

         “I think it went kinda well, actually.”

         “Thank god.”

         “Right now they’re debating how much funding NASA really needs because Jimmy thinks there should be more federal forensics funding.”

         “So, I should have brought a book.”

         Bev flicked him on the nose. “Forensics programs are widely underfunded throughout the country which leads to-”

         “High crime rates, rape kits that go untested, sloppy or incomplete work, unsolved cases that could be closed, and a general lack in quality casework,” Darko finished for her. He kissed her when she glared. “You may have mentioned it once or twice.”

         “Just for that, you get to sit next to Jimmy. Did I mention how grabby he gets after some cab sav?” Bev grinned when Darko blanched. She linked their hands and dragged him to a private room filled with booths, where the noise was minimal and foot traffic low.

         “I didn’t even know there were tables back here.”

         Bev shrugged. “I called ahead, requested a quiet spot. Adam’s already coming out to a restaurant, why stress him anymore?”

         Darko stopped, staring at Bev. She continued walking until his hand pulled her back.

         “What?”

          _I love you._

         He blinked, his pulse hammering in his throat.

         “Phil?” Her hand was cool against his cheek, as she peered at him with concern.

         He shook his head.

         “Sorry,” he huffed a little laugh. “Just, uh, your ass looks great in those pants. Guess I got distracted.”

         Bev squinted at him for a moment, then smirked.

         “Well try to keep up, huh? Christ knows what those idiots are talking about.”

         He followed silently, heart still fluttering. Darko had convinced himself it was a fluke by the time they reached the secluded corner booth, where Jimmy and Adam were still holding an animated discussion.

         “Wait, how long has he been gone?”

         “Three and a half weeks.” Adam picked at the tablecloth.

         Jimmy raised his hand to put it on Adam’s shoulder then thought better of it, letting it fall back to his lap.

         “You guys talk enough?”

         Adam nodded. “We skype twice a day, text throughout the day, and masturbate at least once during the skype calls. I thought that would be enough but it’s becoming increasingly unsatisfying.”

         “Why do I always arrive when you’re in the middle of sex talks?” Darko asked, sliding into the booth next to Adam. Bev sidled in next to Jimmy, already looking invested in the conversation.

         “Hi Darko.” Adam smiled at him.

         “Hey Phil,” Jimmy spared him a glance and a small wave, but turned back to Adam. “Are you two just watching each other masturbate?”

         Darko closed his eyes and prayed for death.

         “I’ve tried using a toy a few times, but the camera doesn’t pick up on my actions that well. That plus the lag makes it less enjoyable.”

         “Like a toy, or a linked toy?”

         “What’s a linked toy?”

         “Can we talk about literally anything else?” Darko signaled the waiter. He needed a drink.

         “Darko’s right, I promised I wouldn’t discuss my sex life in front of him.” Adam’s fingers were fiddling with the tablecloth again. “It’s not his fault that I’m sad so much. I’m sure whatever it is wouldn’t help.”

         Jimmy screwed his mouth into a moue, glaring at Darko. Bev just raised her eyebrows. Darko heard footsteps and smiled at the waiter.

         “I’m going to need an old fashioned, and I will want a refill on it soon. Thanks.” He watched the waiter retreat and turned to Price with a sigh. “So what the fuck are linked toys?”

         Adam flashed a small smile at the table and turned to listen to Jimmy. Darko felt Bev run her foot up the curve of his calf.

         “There’s this company named Lovense, they have toys you can control with an app. It’s what Z and I use when we travel.” Bev made a face and Darko smirked at her. She kicked him. “Basically it’s a masturbation sleeve-”

         “Oh Nigel and I have one of those.”

         Bev snorted, Darko swatted the side of her leg with his foot.

         “Well this is a little different.” Jimmy took out his phone and pulled up the app. “See? This is connected to Z’s sleeve, and his app is connected to mine. This way when we’re skyping he controls what I feel and I control what he feels.”

         The waiter arrived back with Darko’s old fashioned. Bev looked up with a mildly pained smile. “I’m going to need another bourbon, neat. Make it a double.”

         “So it’s more than just a silicon sleeve?” Adam was already on his phone looking at the app.

         “Oh yeah, it pulses and rolls, it’s pretty fucking great, actually.” Jimmy thought for a minute. “But don’t skimp on the lube, Z made that mistake once and I thought I was going to have to call 911 from Michigan for him.”

         “Oh lube is important,” Adam agreed. “Do they make a prostate massager as well?”

         Jimmy shook his head. “Not that I know about… actually I haven’t checked in a while.”

         “Do you think we could go to a shop later and-”

         “Pleasure Chest has them. So does Chi Chi LaRue’s,” Bev said, squinting at her phone. “Looks like we’re headed to West Hollywood after dinner.”

         “We?” Darko drained his glass.

         “Adam should pick one up tonight so he can explain it to Nigel tomorrow,” Bev shrugged. “And we might look into it too, I travel sometimes.”

         “Oh that’s a good idea,” Adam confirmed, still looking at his phone. “It has 4.7 stars, the sleeve is supposed to _yank the come right out of you._ I think that’s a good thing according to ChillyWillyBSHCI’s review.”

         “He’s not wrong,” said Jimmy, sipping his drink. The waiter returned with Bev’s bourbon, which Darko snared.

         “Get another water. You’re driving,” Darko said to her, throwing back the bourbon. She smiled evilly and asked Adam what kind of lube he preferred.  

* * *

         Jimmy patted the cushion next to him on Bev’s couch, face serious. Darko felt a tingle of fear sweep over the back of his neck, but Bev offered him an encouraging smile and he would be damned if Jimmy fucking Price was going to intimidate him. He sat next to Price, schooling his face into a slightly stiff neutral, and waited.

         “I feel like I’ve gotten to know you a bit more these past few days,” Price said solemnly.

         “Going to a sex shop together does build a sense of intimacy.” Darko grumbled.

         “True,” Price nodded. “But before I stamp off on this little relationship, I need to ask you one more thing.”

         Darko nodded before meeting Jimmy’s eyes, wearing his most sincere expression.

         “I would never do anything to hurt Bev,” Darko pledged.

         Jimmy laughed, slapping Darko’s knee and rocking in his seat.

         “Oh, shit, Phil, that’s great.” He wiped a tear from his eye. “Of course you won’t hurt her, you do and she’ll shoot your dick off. Bev can take care of herself.”

         From her place on the lounger, Bev snorted.

         “Oh, uh, then what did you want to ask me?”

         “Will you take a shirtless selfie with me? Z would die.”

         Darko’s head popped up, looking first to Jimmy’s hopeful face, then to Bev, who slapped her palm across her face.

         “Jesus, Jimmy!” She peeked through her fingers at Darko, face flushing. “I’m sorry, Phil. He’s a complete asshole sometimes.”

         “No, it’s fine.” Darko yanked his t-shirt over his head, slinging an arm around Jimmy and flexing his pecs.

         “You’re the best, Phillip. You have my permission to marry her.” Price held his phone aloft, playing with the angle for a moment. “Ready? One, two, three, sm-”

         Darko twisted forward, interrupting Jimmy by pressing his lips to the lab tech’s cheek. The phone flashed before falling from Price’s hand. Darko moved back, leaving Jimmy frozen, mouth gawping and eyes bulged. Beverly shrieked, dissolving into giggles as she watched her best friend flounder. Darko smiled at her, winking when she finally looked at him. 

* * *

         “It was great to meet you, Phil.” Jimmy shook his hand before shouldering his carry-on. “I’m glad you’re not a psychotic drug dealer.”

         “Just a former one,” Darko said with a smile. He patted Jimmy’s back. “I’ll tell Adam you said goodbye.”

         “Oh that’s ok, I’ve got his number.” Jimmy waved his phone. “We’re both going to be on the NASA live chat next week anyway and I was going to text him the information about the prostate massager I told him about when I got home.” 

         Darko nodded. Fucking Adam.

         “I’ll see you tomorrow?” Bev asked, pressing a kiss into Darko’s cheek.

         “You could see me tonight.” He tried not to sound too hopeful.

         “I have the meeting with the local department heads at 7am,” Bev’s mouth twisted into a frown. She wound her arms around Darko’s neck and pressed small kisses along his grinning mouth. “But I promise I will be at Adam’s for dinner Monday.”

         “Beverly,” Jimmy said in a scolding tone. He raised an eyebrow when she turned to glare at him. “His lips will be there in a few hours, my plane will not. Unless you want me to extend my stay…”

         “Jesus fuck, please get him on that plane,” Darko whispered into her ear.

         She laughed before schooling her expression and nodding seriously. “On it.”

* * *

         “I found a possible place for Constanța. Well, Adam did.” Nigel shook his head. “I think the realtor showed it to us so Adam would stop calling her and yammering in broken Romanian. Constanța is going to skype you tomorrow to show you.”

         Darko snorted. “Did you teach my mother how to skype?”

         “Of course I fucking did. Bought her a tablet too, the Galaxy something or other. Cosmo told me what to get.”

         “He also taught her how to skype didn’t he?”

         “He couldn’t have explained it if I didn’t pick up the call on my fucking laptop, asshole.” Nigel huffed at the screen.

         “I, uh, I wanted to thank you-”

         “Don’t.”

         “Nigel, I-”

         “Just because you’ve got a woman now, don’t get all fucking sensitive on me.” Nigel’s cheeks were a little redder. “It’s bad enough Adam’s got me acting dickless, I’m not doing it with you too.”

         Darko laughed.

         “You’re right, man. I’ll buy you a fucking beer when you come home, ok?”

         “And make that fucking lemon cake again, with the poppy seeds.”

         Darko nodded. It hit him how much he missed having beer with Nigel, punching him when a play went wrong and screaming when there was a goal.

         “So…you going to tell me about this fucking woman?” Nigel raised an eyebrow. “Adam says she sent him a dirty picture. Can I get one?”

         “Fuck you! She wasn’t fucking naked. Well, you couldn’t see her fucking tits.”

         Nigel was laughing as Darko flustered.

         “Don’t fucking defend her honor, nenorocitule. Tell me about her.”

         “She’s so fucking smart. I used to look up half the shit she told me about, but when she figured out that I didn’t understand her half the time, she just fucking explained it. Didn’t make me feel stupid or anything, just fucking told me. And she’s fucking funny, she tells the dirtiest goddamn jokes and her laugh is ridiculous. You make her laugh hard enough and she honks. And the sex is fucking – I mean I told you she’s fucking gorgeous but, Christ, when I get her naked-” Darko stopped and smiled for a moment before shaking his head. “I’m just as happy to have coffee in bed and read the paper while she answers fucking emails. Isn’t that fucking pathetic?”

         “No,” Nigel said, his eyes were mournful. “It’s not.”

         “She snores too,” Darko said when the silence stretched. Nigel laughed. “But I don’t fucking mind. I don’t even mind that she brings home fucking pictures of rotted bodies and leaves them on the table.”

         Darko paused, brows furrowing.

         “I love her. Fuck, Nigel, I really fucking love her.”

         Nigel smiled. It was his real smile – wide, toothy, just a little goofy looking. He usually reserved that expression for Adam. Darko smiled back, just as big, just as silly, and just as real. Finally, Nigel rolled his eyes.

         “You’re supposed to tell her, not me, asshole,” Nigel admonished. “I’m not the one sucking your dick." 

         Darko blushed and shoved his middle finger at the camera. “Fuck off. No one’s sucking your dick right now.”

          Nigel sighed. “That fucking app sex toy thing Adam found is pretty fucking close, I’ve never heard him make noises like that. There’s this one mode-”

         “SHUT THE FUCK UP.” Darko glowered at Nigel’s smirk. “Anything else going on over there?”

         “I went to a Dinamo match with Constanța.”

         “Liar, she hates football.”

         “Yeah, but she loves me,” Nigel grinned. “She even had a pint with me when we kicked Steaua’s ass. Check your fucking phone, I just texted you a photo.”

         Darko glanced down, there on his fucking phone, was his mother in a Câinii roșii jersey and a stupid fucking beanie cap. She was kissing Nigel’s cheek, yanking on his Cobrea jersey. Nigel spent the next hour telling Darko all about his mother learning the new Dinamo choreography, and hopping up on the bar to perform it after the match.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pssssst, guys, Nigel found Constanța an apartment, guess what that means? *Winks*


	12. Fuck Your Dinner Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam is late for dinner.

         Adam adjusted his sweater and peered at his phone. He had texted Nigel about his dinner plans with Beverly, and requested that Nigel postpone their skype date by a few hours so he wouldn’t have to rush out of the restaurant. There was still no response. Nigel always responded within the hour. Always.

         Adam bit his lip, a vision of Nigel and Gabi clinched together in the warehouse floated in the back of his mind. Adam blinked, but it was still there: Nigel sinking his hand into her hair, Gabi pressing into him as she moaned. Something fluttered in Adam’s chest, his fingers began to tap at his thigh.

         He could feel the panic as it clawed into him, tightening his muscles and restricting his breathing. Adam closed his eyes and forced himself to take a deep breath. He and Nigel had practiced this, he could fight off the panic, he just had to be logical.

_Fucking say something you know is true, gorgeous. Jupiter has 53 named moons. The eagle nebula is the exact color of your fucking eyes. I fucking love you. Just keep repeating facts ‘til you find your fucking control._

         “He picked me,” Adam said firmly to the phone. “He picked me. He picked me. He picked me.”

         “Who picked you, gorgeous?”

         Adam dropped the phone, whirling to find Nigel standing in their living room. Hair ruffled and bags under his eyes, the older man looked exhausted, but his smile was bright. He dropped his duffle bag on the floor, running both hands through his hair with a groan.

         “Fuck, it’s good to see you, darling.” Nigel sighed, his eyes had gone soft. “Fucking cab took forever. Have you had dinner yet or-”

         Adam tackled Nigel to the ground.

         “You said two more weeks.” Adam pressed kisses along Nigel’s smiling cheeks. “You’re early!”

         Nigel laughed as Adam nipped and sucked along his throat, nibbling the stripper that adorned his neck. He pulled his darling to him, hands sneaking under Adam’s sweater.

         “That’s right, gorgeous. I’m 72 hours early.” Nigel ran his fingernails down Adam’s spine, watching him arch.

         “Actually, you’re closer to 58 hours early,” Adam gasped, grinding down on Nigel’s crotch. Nigel slipped both hands into Adam’s pants, kneading the firm globes of Cosmo’s ass as he pulled the boy closer. They moaned as their cocks rubbed together, Adam’s hands clawing at Nigel’s chest.

         “Do you want to give me a math lesson or get fucking naked?” Nigel raised an eyebrow at Adam, mouth curling into a smirk.

                                                  

* * *

         Bev stood outside the restaurant frowning at her phone. It didn’t seem like Adam to ditch someone. She should just go home and get some work done, but something bothered her about the younger man not showing up or answering her texts. With a sigh, she dialed Darko.

         “Miss me already?”

         Bev rolled her eyes at the phone, but her mouth tugged into a grin.

         “Look Dorko, this is not a booty call. You’re not that good.”

         “Why are you calling then?” There was a pause and Darko’s voice tightened. “Shit, did Cosmo freak out again? Are you ok? Is he ok?”

         “I, uh, I think? He hasn’t shown for our dinner and he isn’t answering my texts.”

         “What? How late is he?”

         “Twenty minutes or so.”

         “Fuck, he’s fucking dead.” She could hear Darko scrabbling around his desk, keys jingling, papers shuffling. “RALPH! I need you to cover me.”

         “I’ll meet you at Adam’s?”

         “You don’t have to-”

         “You don’t have to do everything alone, Phillip.”

         “I…yeah, ok.” The silence stretched, but Bev could still hear his breathing. “Thanks.”

         The call disconnected.

                                                  

* * *

         Darko took the stairs two at a time, frantically listening for the sounds of distress or shattering plates. Bev was close behind him, eyes worried. On the landing, they could hear Adam shouting, Darko took a gasping breath but paused when he felt a warm weight on his shoulder.

         Bev squeezed him before running the hand through his hair.

         “It’s ok, Phil.” She looked so determined, setting her jaw. “We’ll make it ok.”

         His chest felt warm when he looked at her. The words popped into his mind again, they’d come out so easily if he just opened his mouth. He clenched his jaw and nodded. He would tell her later.

         They moved to Adam’s door together, banging it open as soon as the lock gave.

         “Cosmo, I – OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE”

         “What’s go- whoa.”

         Bev blinked. When the vision didn’t go away, she blinked again.

         Adam writhed naked on the floor, one hand yanking at his hair, the other firmly gripping the scalp of a naked man who was deep throating him. Bev watched in awe as the older man worked Adam, the tattoo on his neck shimmying as he sucked, one hand gripping Adam’s hips the other moving between Adam’s legs to – _OH._

Darko turned to leave, muttering something in Romanian. Bev knew she should follow, but she stayed, hypnotized.

         After what seemed like an eternity, the older man released Adam with a wet pop, eyes meeting Beverly’s.

         “You Beverly?” The man asked.

         Bev felt herself nod. She also felt Darko wrap a hand around her arm and tug her backwards. The man hovering over Adam’s hard cock, smiled.

         “I’m Nigel, nice to fucking meet you, I’ve heard good things.” Beneath him Adam whined. Nigel pressed a kiss to Adam’s hip and looked up. “Could you get the fuck out, please? Adam’s not coming to dinner.”

         Adam smacked Nigel’s head, the older man glared.

         “I said fucking _Please!_ ”

         Adam arched, eyes meeting Bev’s briefly.

         “I’m sorry, Nigel came home early and-”

         Darko dragged her out of the apartment.

                                                  

* * *

Darko walked down the stairs just behind Beverly. He watched the slump of her shoulders and the furrow of her brow, trying to come up with a decent apology for what she just saw. He should be better at this, he’d been apologizing for Nigel for almost 33 years.  

         “So,” Bev said, startling Darko out of his thoughts. She raised an eyebrow. “Nigel seems nice.”

         Darko scoffed, running a hand over his face. The cold tight feeling in his chest loosened.

         “He’s, uh – sometimes he, uh-”

         “Sucks?” Bev offered, face the picture of innocence.

         Darko winced, stopping to lean against the landing. He tried to find the words, absently rubbing at the tattoo on his hand.

         “He’s the world’s biggest asshole, but if he loves you he’ll hold his hand to the fire for you.”

         “Hold his hand to the fire…murder the whole Romanian mob…beat up negligent landlords…ignore his gag reflex…” Bev caught his eye and they both started to giggle, falling on each other for support. “I’m fucking serious, that was impressive. Maybe I should go back there and take some notes.”

         Bev turned and started back up the stairs. Darko caught her arm and yanked her to his chest, startling a delighted yelp out of Bev. He turned them, pressing her into the wall and moving to nip under her ear.

         “You don’t need any fucking help.” He whispered, hiding his smile against her neck as she laughed.

         “Shut up, you just want me to do it again.” Her nails scratched lightly through his scalp as she dragged his mouth to hers. The kiss was unhurried, all nipping teeth and smiles. When Darko’s hand gripped her ass, pulling her against his hard-on, Bev pushed him back, gasping. “Do you have to go back to work?”

         Darko grinned and shook his head.

         “Ralph can cover me.”

         Bev leaned in for one more kiss, then fixed him with a serious gaze.

         “Good, you should get to bed early.” She disentangled from him as he squinted in confusion. “Guess, I’ll hit the hay too. I’ll call you tomorrow?”

         She took off running for the parking lot, laughing when she heard him scramble after her.

* * *

         Nigel didn’t want his grand reunion with Adam to take place on the hardwood in the living room. He told Adam he wanted him in their bed, that their first time in ages shouldn’t be bare assed on the floor. The truth was Nigel wasn’t sure his aging knees could take a romp on the hardwood, they were already straining – though he’d be damned if he would admit that to even Adam.

         Nigel carried Adam into the bedroom, stumbling slightly every time Adam’s teeth grazed the tattoo on his neck. When he reached the bed he sat, still cradling Adam.

         “It will be difficult to have sex in this position,” Adam observed, worrying the skin on Nigel’s neck and watching the burlesque girl dance.

         “I know, gorgeous.” Nigel closed his eyes and squeezed the man in his arms. “I just don’t want to let go yet.”

         Nigel craned down, seeking a kiss. Adam caught Nigel’s bottom lip in his teeth and gave him a sharp bite. Nigel pulled back, brows furrowed as he looked at Adam.

         “You said 504 hours, then it was 840 hours. I know you’re early but I don’t want to wait anymore.” Adam looked directly into Nigel’s eyes, face determined. “Lay on the bed Nigel.”

         Adam shoved lightly at Nigel’s bare chest, making the older man smile. “My bossy fucking darling.”

         Nigel settled backward on the bed, batting the heart plush off its home atop the pillows. He noted in the back of his mind the familiar spring of the mattress, the smooth texture of the sheets, the glorious feeling of Adam scrambling over him, the warmth spreading through his chest as his eyes met brilliant blue.

         He was home.

         “Are you sure you don’t want to just snuggle for a bit, Cosmo?” Nigel had no intention of snuggling anymore, but it was fun to watch Adam huff, all naked, flushed, and exasperated.

         Adam frowned, brows knitting even as he reached for the lube.

         “I want you to stop teasing me,” Adam said, slicking Nigel’s erection before reaching behind himself to reinforce Nigel’s earlier work.

         “What else do you want, darling?” Nigel ran his hands lightly up Adam’s thighs, ghosting over the base of his cock. Cosmo was hard again, which was impressive, but Nigel was determined to make this last – to tease and play until neither he nor Adam had any energy left.

         “I want you to hold the headboard. Y-your hands are very distracting.” Adam was still hovering over Nigel’s thighs, his breath hitching as he fingered himself.

         “Yes sir, Mr. Raki.” Nigel raised his arms, grabbing the wooden slats on the headboard tightly. He loved when his darling was in a bossy mood. He watched Cosmo intently, each little breathy noise the kid emitted seemed to go straight to Nigel’s cock. It twitched, glistening with lube and nearly purple with neglect, waiting for Adam’s next instructions.

         When Adam shifted forward, moving so that he was poised over Nigel’s dick, the Romanian shifted, hands leaving their grip to seek out Adam’s hips.

         “No,” Adam said firmly, eyes connecting with Nigel’s. “Be still. Can you do that?”

         Nigel’s jaw ticked, but he moved his hands back to the headboard and gave a small nod.

         “Good. Thank you.” Adam smiled at Nigel before his eyes flicked away. He grabbed Nigel’s cock, stroking one more time from root to tip, before guiding it to his hole. Nigel closed his eyes, concentrating on being still, being good for Adam.

         He whimpered when he felt Adam start to sink down, the slow tight envelopment of his cock was nearly too much to bear. Nigel tightened his grip on the wooden slats, making the headboard moan along with him as he struggled to stay immobile.

         Nigel allowed his eyes to slit open just in time to watch Adam fucking Raki start to ride him, hips leisurely dragging him up and down Nigel’s cock. Adam’s left hand drew soft patterns on Nigel’s stomach while the right gently tugged at his own cock. Adam looked like he had all the time in the world as he killed Nigel with each pull of his hips.

         “Adam, Adam, Adam,” Nigel was pleading – for more, for less, for just this stretched into eternity. He closed his eyes, trying to think of something, anything, to keep from coming. “Please gorgeous, please. _Fuck_ I’m yours.”

         “I-I know,” Adam gasped, leaning forward as he continued to roll his hips. Nigel felt Adam’s hands begin to softly knead his pecs, Adam’s breath was on his face. “You were always mine, Nigel.”  

         “Please Adam, please,” Nigel had no idea what he was asking for. He felt lips brush against his own, he choked at the sensation but stayed as still as possible, chest and arms straining to obey his darling.

         “O-open y-your eyes.” Adam’s voice was high, little halted noises leaving his throat with each breath. Nigel blinked, eyes adjusting to the light in the room and focusing on the wide blue eyes that bobbed in front of his face.

         “Adam, baby,” Nigel was panting, trying his best to ignore the tight pull of his balls and the straining heat in his stomach.

         “You’re m-mine because you love me,” Adam’s fingers dug into Nigel’s chest hair, tugging with a breathy hitch in his voice as Nigel hit his sweet spot. “I-I’m y-yours because I l-love you.”

         Nigel cried out, before biting his lip. He was so close. It had been so long and if Adam didn’t shut the fuck up, this was going to be over.

         Soft hands cupped Nigel’s face, Adam’s hips had stopped moving. “Move, Nigel. Make me come and then you can come.”

         Nigel’s hands released the headboard, joints aching from his agonizing grip on the wood. One hand sunk into Adam’s hair, pulling the boy to him for a sucking, breathless kiss. The other hand snaked between their bodies to grip Adam’s cock, pumping firmly.

         Releasing Adam’s mouth, Nigel moved his hand to Adam’s hip. He fiddled with Adam’s position until the little _ngh_ sounds he was making were transformed into wails. Adam’s back arched, his fingers digging into Nigel’s chest with bruising force.

         “N-Nigel!”

         “Come on, Cosmo. Come for me, gorgeous,” Nigel panted, driving into Cosmo until his mouth hung open in a soundless howl. “I’ll make you come for the rest of our fucking lives.”  

         The first wet streak that hit Nigel’s chest triggered his own release. His cosmonaut’s trembling body wrung the orgasm from him. Nigel opened his arms, chest heaving, inviting Adam to collapse on him. Adam obliged, and Nigel felt something loosen in his chest when the familiar weight settled on top of him. 

         As their heartrates started to even, Nigel could hear Adam fretting, rubbing uncomfortably at the mess sandwiched between them. Pressing a kiss into Adam’s sweaty curls, Nigel slipped out from under the kid’s weight, padding on unsteady knees to the bathroom. He brought back a hot washcloth, gently wiping at the mess on Cosmo.

         “Thank you,” Adam murmured, moving to push the weighted blanket aside and slip beneath the comforter. Nigel put the washcloth in the laundry basket so he wouldn’t have to hear about it in the morning.

         “Thank me? For what, Cosmo? I always do that.” Nigel flopped on the bed, allowing Adam to cover him up and twine around his body.

         “Thank you for coming home,” Adam said to Nigel’s pecs as he pillowed his head on a thatch of chest hair.

         This fucking kid.

         Nigel wrapped his arms around Adam, pulling him as close as possible. “Thank you for waiting for me, my darling.”

         Adam burrowed deeper under the covers and into Nigel’s body, peppering all the bare skin he could reach with soft kisses.

         “I know it was important to you to get the divorce, but please don’t go again. I’m so much happier when you’re here.”

         “From now on, I won’t go anywhere I can’t fucking take you, gorgeous,” Nigel swore, nuzzling the soft brown locks by his chin. “I needed that divorce, Cosmo. I needed to be all yours.”

         “Technically, you’re not all mine,” Adam yawned, “not by your definition. We’d have to be married for that to be true.”

         Nigel stilled, watching Adam carefully. The damn kid gave no sign as to whether or not marriage seemed like a good idea. Nigel opened his mouth to ask if marriage was something Adam would consider when he heard a soft snuffle and knew Adam was asleep. 

         Fucking typical.  

* * *

         Beverly lay sticky and blissful on Darko’s shoulder. The heat of their bodies should push her from him, but the steady thrum of his heart and the salty taste of his skin against her lips kept her from moving. As the sweat cooled on their bodies, Bev toyed with the trail of hair below Darko’s bellybutton. She preened when he sunk his hand into her hair, massaging her scalp as he angled her for a lazy kiss.

         “So,” Bev said against his lips. “You seemed oddly cool walking in on that.”

         “I told you, happens all the fucking time.” Darko loosed a long-suffering sigh and raked his free hand over his eyes. “That’s not even the worst fucking position I’ve seen them in.”

         Bev pressed a smile into Darko’s chest, eyes dancing.

         “How is that even possible?”

         Darko brushed a hand over his hair, and raised an eyebrow.

         “You should have been there for the time I found them exploring fisting,” he muttered, glaring at the ceiling. “That’s an image I’m taking to the fucking grave. I still won’t sit on that fucking love-seat.”

         He could feel Bev shaking in his arms and for one horrible moment he thought she was crying. But as he crooked his head down he could see her giggling helplessly, hand clasped over her mouth.

         “Are you laughing at me?” His eyes crinkled in mirth as he snarled, digging his fingers into the sensitive spot above her hip. Bev shrieked, uncovering her laugh to slap at his hand. “Are you laughing at my pain?”

         Darko rolled, trapping Bev beneath his bulk as his fingers danced along her ribs. She writhed, vacillating between shoving him away and pulling him closer. When she finally yanked him into a gasping kiss, his hands stilled. He sank onto his elbows, content to let her tug on his neck and nip at his lips.

         “You’re looking at this the wrong way, Phil,” she whispered in his ear. “You should be thinking of all the things we could make them walk in on.”

         Darko’s eyes flew open, he stared at her in utter disbelief as she raised a challenging eyebrow.

         “What do you think?”

_I love you._

         It blared in his head, words bright and just a little scary as they blinked through his brain. But he was a goddamn coward, so instead he said, “I think we should practice.”

         Bev grinned and wrapped her legs around his hips. He would tell her one day, but right now he contented himself with chasing the flush down her chest.


	13. Second Fucking Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nigel makes a decision. Adam tells Nigel he's old. Someone says I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late, I was drinking at a family party when I realized I hadn't posted! Happy holidays, everyone!

Bev stretched her legs out on Darko’s sofa, sinking into the cushions as she reached for the remote. She knew she looked a mess – hair pulled up in a sloppy ponytail, yoga pants and one of Darko’s old t-shirts. She should feel worse about that, but it had taken Darko ten minutes to stop kissing her and head out to pick up their lunch. When his hands started creeping up the shirt, she decided lazy weekend attire wasn’t the guaranteed boner killer Jimmy always claimed it was.

         She had just turned on ESPN when there was a bang at the door. With a huff, she left the baseball game and shuffled toward the frantic thumping noise. 

         “Did you forget your ke– Nigel?” Bev blinked. Nigel was leaning on the door jamb, fist still coiled and poised to bash against the door again. She took in the high cheekbones and flinty eyes that settled on her. He looked so familiar, something in her brain kept nagging her that she’d seen striking features like that before.

         “Uh, yeah, hi…wasn’t sure you’d recognize me without a cock in my mouth.” He brushed by her, obviously used to immediate admittance into Darko’s place. “Darko? Darko! I fucking need to ask you something.”

         “He’s not here.” Nigel had already flopped on the couch, feet on the coffee table. Bev debated whether she should sit next to him or retreat to Darko’s huge leather recliner. “He’ll be back in a bit, though.”

         Nigel nodded, squinting at the TV. “Great, mind if I wait?”

         Nigel picked up the remote and started flipping channels. Bev set her mouth in a firm line, flopping next to Nigel on the couch and snatching the remote from his hand. She flipped back to ESPN, propping her feet up on the table.

         “Wait as long as you want, but we’re watching the O’s game.”

         “Baseball?” Nigel sounded aghast. She nodded, turning her attention back to the TV.

         “If I’m watching this, I’m going to need a beer.” Nigel turned to look at her expectantly.

         Bev smiled.

“Of course! Darko keeps those in the fridge,” she pointed toward the kitchen. “It’s that way.”

Nigel snorted, before lurching up, and heading for the kitchen.

“Hey, Nigel?”

He turned.

“Grab me one too, thanks.”

He stared at her for a moment before his mouth curled into a little smile. Nigel returned with two twist-tops, handing her one as he settled. She glanced at it, then handed it to him raising an eyebrow. With a mild huff, Nigel twisted off the top and handed it back to her before settling into the cushions.

After five pitches, Nigel’s head lolled toward Beverly.

“Gorgeous, I’m going to need you to explain why this is interesting.”

Bev beamed.

          

* * *

         Darko balanced the sack of tacos on the drink tray, angling to get his keys into the lock. He almost dropped everything when he heard the scream.

         “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU FUCK?”

          _Nigel. What the fuck was Nigel screaming at?_

         His mind flashed to Bev, and his heart started to thump erratically.

         “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT SHIT!”

          _Bev. Oh god. Why won’t his fucking key work?_

         Darko stumbled into the apartment looking frantically for his best friend and his girlfriend, afraid some terrible brawl had broken out. What he found was both of them on the sofa, throwing cushions at his expensive flat screen. Four beer bottles were leaving rings on his coffee table and Nigel was gesturing at the TV with a bag of chips.

         “What the fuck is happening?” Darko tried to will his heart to a more normal rhythm as he sat the food on the coffee table.

         “Fucking Davis, man. Who the fuck can’t get an infield grounder?” Nigel said, as if any of those words made sense.

         “I swear to Christ, he gets the big fat contract and then just coasts.” Bev waved her hand dismissively at the TV.

         Darko looked at the baseball game, then back at two people he loved. “You like baseball, now?”

         Nigel shrugged. “Sure. Though I’m skeptical about the goddamn Orioles.”

         Bev smacked him. “Hey! You show some respect to our team. They suck, but they’re ours.”

         Nigel laughed. “Fine, but the deal stands right?”

         Bev nodded. “You watch my shit team, I watch yours. Go Canine Rose!”

         “Câinii roșii, gorgeous.” Nigel winked at Darko. “I’ll teach you some of our cheers when you come watch the game Wednesday.”

         “Cool.” Bev’s eyes were back on the screen, she grabbed Nigel’s knee and Darko felt a stab of something dark and angry at the gesture. “Did you see that? DID YOU SEE THAT? Adam fucking Jones right there.”

         “Fuck me, does he have a rocket shoved up his ass?” Nigel grabbed the remote and rewound the TV. One of the players leaped through the air to catch a ball, rolling around on the Astroturf like a twat. Darko didn’t see the big deal. “Fuck Darko, did you see that?”

         “Yeah, amazing.” He ignored Bev’s side-eye. “Why are you here, nenorocitule?”  

         Nigel tensed, he glanced at Beverly. “I, uh, wanted to ask you something.”

         “What?” Darko glanced at the hands prying at his elbow. Bev was tugging at the bag, peeking in.

         “Nigel? You want one of my tacos?”

         “No, thanks darling.” He gestured into the kitchen. “Can we…?”

         Darko nodded, but paused before he followed Nigel, pointing a finger in Bev’s face.

         “There had better be a taco de tuetano left when I get back.”

         Bev rolled her eyes. “One time, it happened one fucking time, Dorko.”

         He snarled at her playfully before following Nigel into the kitchen.

         Nigel was pacing back and forth, his eyes a little wild. Darko felt a cold burst of fear in his chest and immediately began running disaster scenarios in his head. Finally, Darko hopped onto the counter and kicked his leg out, stopping Nigel’s pacing. He raised an expectant eyebrow at Nigel.

         “I want to marry Adam.”

         Darko squinted at Nigel. “Yeah.”

         “What the fuck do you mean, yeah?”

         Darko laughed, rolling his neck to the side and allowing the tension to seep from his shoulders. “Are you fucking kidding me? That’s your fucking news?”

         “Fuck you, you fuck! That’s my fucking news.” Nigel pushed his hands through his hair. “I went to Romania to get that fucking divorce so I could marry him.”

“I know.”

“YOU KNOW?”

Darko gave his friend an incredulous glance. “Everyone fucking knows. Ralph knows. The coffee guy knows. My fucking mother knows, Nigel. She told me she’ll come visit for the wedding.”

Nigel looked a little lost, fear was creeping into his eyes. “You think Adam knows?”

Darko shrugged. “If he knew, he’d probably fucking say something. Your boy’s not the quiet type.”

“What if he knows and doesn’t want to? Maybe that’s why he hasn’t said anything.”

A tapping noise drew Nigel and Darko’s attention. Bev was standing in the kitchen doorway.

“Uh, if you guys want to have a private discussion, you should probably work on your indoor voices or go somewhere else,” she said with a little shrug. “Like the bedroom? Where there’s a door…I can only turn the TV up so loud.”

Nigel stared at her with wide eyes, Darko nodded. “Come on, man. Let’s go.”

He tugged Nigel toward the bedroom, but was stopped by Bev who laid a hand on Nigel’s chest.

“Adam would tell you if he didn’t want to marry you. You know that.” She offered him a small smile. “I’ve only known him a bit, but I promise you - you’re his favorite topic. I know more about you and the MAVEN orbiter than I probably ever needed to know.”

Nigel nodded at her. “Is it too soon to ask him?”

Bev scrunched her brow. “Too soon?”

“After my divorce. I’ve only been divorced 10 days.”

“Fuck, man, he never give a shit about your divorce before,” Darko said. “I don’t think he needs a fucking waiting period.”

“Do you have a ring?” Bev cocked her head.

“Not yet.”

“I would get a ring, you know how he likes to follow all the proper steps in a social interaction. So get a ring, get on one knee and ask. And he’ll probably say yes.”

Nigel smiled. “I can fucking do that.”

Nigel turned to Darko, thumb hooked in Bev’s direction.

“She’s more fucking helpful than you.”

“Fuck you. I’m going with you ring shopping so you don’t buy anything fucking stupid.”

Nigel smacked Darko, Darko smacked back. Bev took a step away.

“Fuck you! I have good fucking taste!”

_Smack._

“No you fucking don’t! I picked out Gabi’s fucking ring!”

_Smack._

“And look what happened. You have shit taste!”

_Smack._

“You have shit taste! There was nothing wrong with the fucking ring, just the girl!”

_Smack._

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with Adam.”

Darko smiled. “He has shit taste in men.”

Nigel laughed.

“So does Bev, but we won’t hold it against her.” Nigel ran a hand through his hair. “Alright, I’m gonna go, we can talk about rings tomorrow, yeah?”

Darko nodded.

As he passed Beverly, Nigel smiled wickedly and leaned close, whispering something in her ear. Bev’s mouth curled into a smirk, she caught Darko’s stare with dancing eyes. Darko felt cold dread pooling in his stomach.

Nigel winked at her and moved out the door.

“So,” Bev said with a faux innocent tone. “Nigel tells me you like horror movies.”

         “FUCK!”

****

* * *

The topless blonde was creeping up the steps calling out to whomever was there. She seemed to think it was her boyfriend Chet or maybe their friend Stu playing a prank on her. She couldn’t seem to remember where she left her clothing, however.

None of this mattered to Beverly Katz, who was busy watching a far more entertaining show. 

Phillip “Darko” Dalca, Romanian drug lord and all around giant wall of a man, was slowly coiling in on himself as he stared at the screen. Shoulders hunched, jaw tense, and knees creeping up protectively to his chest, Darko looked like he was moments from an aneurysm.

Bev wanted to snuggle up next to him, to kiss him until his shoulders dropped and his jaw loosened. 

She also wanted to make a loud noise just to see if he would jump in the air like a startled alley cat.

The movie made the decision for her.

The killer darted before the blonde, plunging the knife in her chest so the camera could get a farewell shot of her bouncing breasts before she died. The loud music cue did nothing to dampen the high pitched wail. Except, this particular scream wasn’t coming from the blonde, it was coming from a six-foot-and-change Romanian.

Bev made a valiant effort not to laugh, biting her lips and attempting to breathe through her nose. But it was too much. The sight of Phillip shrieking and hiding behind his knees wrestled the laughter from her.

His face turned bright red when he noticed her laughter.

“Shut up!” He thwacked her with a throw pillow.

“No, no, it’s cute,” Bev gasped swatting the pillow away. “All the shit you’ve been through and your weakness is shitty horror movies!”

Darko snagged Bev’s ankle and yanked, pulling the giggling woman beneath him on the sofa.

“My weakness is mouthy American women who think they’re fucking funny.” He grinned, even though his cheeks were still on fire.

“You screamed louder than blondie over there,” Bev gestured wildly at the television, her laughter slowing. “I thought Nigel was fucking with me when he told me you did that.”

“I should have known Nigel would fucking ruin this,” Darko pouted, moving every time Bev leaned up for a kiss. “I just get involved in the story and get surprised. It’s not like I can’t sleep after watching them or something! If it was an actual killer I’d be fine. There isn’t scary music in real-life dangerous situations!”

Bev’s face split into a toothy grin. She lifted a hand up to feel the heat of Darko’s cheek.

“You’re ridiculous. I love you.”

They both froze.

Darko looked at her with wild eyes. His heart stopped altogether, then began rabbiting in his chest. Bev’s mouth fell open just a fraction, her eyes rapidly taking in Darko’s stunned features. She took a breath, plastered on a fake smile and shuttered her eyes.

“I, uh, _heh_ , I do.” She gave a little shrug, trying incredibly hard not to look as vulnerable as she felt. Darko still stared, his mouth gaping. “But look, it’s no big deal. It’s not like I expect you to say it ba-”

“I LOVE YOU!” Darko hadn’t meant to shout it in her face, but fuck if he could control anything his body was doing in this moment. Bev blinked, shocked, but her lips started to curl as Darko’s blush returned full force. “I love you so fucking much. I wanted to tell you. Nigel told me I should tell you, but I thought it was too soon. And you already freaked out over the drug dealing – I wasn’t sure what the love thing would…Adam told me I should wait until at least the end of the month. I had a notification set and everything. Well, Adam set it up for me. He said the optimal timing-”

Bev’s fingers stilled Darko’s lips. She leaned up and replaced the pads of her fingers with her lips. The kiss was sweet and slow, a promise and a tease.

“Anyone ever tell you that you babble when you’re nervous?” Bev whispered against his chin, lipping at his jaw line.

“Mostly Nigel just told me to shut the fuck up.”

“Hmmm…smart man.” Bev’s breath was soft against his cheek. “I think we should go say we love each other somewhere else. Maybe the bedroom?”

Darko shook his head, working a hand under her shirt. “Too fucking far.”

Bev raised her eyebrows, smirking. She slipped a hand under Darko’s waistband and palmed his cock, biting her lip when it jerked toward the warmth of her hand.

“Yeah that’s miles away, better stay here,” She agreed, wiggling her shoulders to help him take her shirt off.

****

* * *

         “Nigel! Be careful not to drip on the sheets.” Adam huffed in mild annoyance, grabbing Nigel’s wrist to steady the fork dangling in front of him. Nigel smiled as Adam’s lips parted and two rows of neat little teeth sunk around the macaroni.

         “Gorgeous, you know you’re going to fuss about the sheets until we change them anyway, what does it matter?”

         “We shouldn’t eat on the bed, it’s dirty.”

         “Why? We fuck on the table.”

         Adam turned to shoot an annoyed glance over his shoulder, Nigel kissed the tip of his nose and forked more macaroni. He playfully dabbed it against Adam’s lips, grinning as the kid licked cheese sauce off his lips.

         “That’s different, the angle is better for you.”

         “Is that a crack about my age?”

         “You do get sore if I have you bent over too long. It’s better for you to have a stable surface. It takes the pressure off your knees.”

         “Jesus fuck, Cosmo, way to kill the mood.” Nigel put the plate on the nightstand with a mild pout.

         “You’re still hard.”

         “And old.” Nigel snitted, running a hand through his hair.

         “Yes.”

         Nigel snorted, swatting Adam’s bare thigh. “I sucked your dick and made you dinner, you little shit. You’re not supposed to call me old, Cosmo.”

         “You are old.” Adam turned, shuffling until he was straddling Nigel, rubbing his growing interest against Nigel’s. His brows furrowed. “What’s wrong with being old? I like you old.”

         Nigel grunted as Adam’s hands dug into his scalp. He tugged at the strands, making Nigel gasp.

         “I like your grey hair.”

         Adam’s hips began to rock in earnest, his cock swelling with each movement.

         “I like your face and how your eyes crinkle when you smile.” He pulled back to peck each of Nigel’s cheekbones. Nigel’s mouth was still in a firm line, but laugh lines warmed the stern expression he was trying for.

         Adam reached beside him for the lube, drizzling it between their bodies and moaning when the frantic friction became a delicious slide.

         “ _Fuck, Cosmo, I-_ ”

         Adam put a finger to Nigel’s lips, lightly tracing the parted flesh before dipping the digit inside and letting Nigel suck it lightly. Nigel’s hands settled on Adam’s hips, dragging the boy closer as he panted.

         “I like your chin and the little stripes of grey on it when you grow your beard.” Adam nipped lightly at Nigel’s chin, drawing a huffing laugh.

         Adam reached under Nigel’s knee, tracing a constellation of cigarette burns on the back of his thigh, before leaning forward and kissing the still-pink bullet wound scar on his chest.

         “I like that y-your body has s-stories. And you’ve told them all to me.”

         Nigel made a whining noise and buried his face in Adam’s neck, pressing frantic kisses to the join of his shoulder.

         “B-besides, I-if you were young, w-we wouldn’t be together.” Adam’s voice started to strain as the rhythm between them built. “Y-you would be high all the time a-and angry. Y-you would scare me. Y-you wouldn’t have p-patience for me.”

         His head fell to Nigel’s shoulder. He mouthed lazily at the tattoo on Nigel’s neck as he continued to grind their cocks together.

         “No.” Nigel gritted, slipping a hand between them. They moaned when he wrapped his fingers around them both. “I would have loved you no matter when I found you.”

         “But I love you now,” Adam whispered, breath catching as Nigel squeezed them together. “I love this Nigel and I don’t want anyone else.”

Nigel choked on a groan as he came, cock emptying as he continued to work Adam. Cosmo followed soon after, making breathy little mewling sounds as his cock twitched.

“I never loved anyone the way I love you, Cosmo.” Nigel pressed the words into Adam’s skull as he nuzzled the limp, panting boy.

“I know.” Adam said. He lifted his head to fix Nigel with a sweet smile. “I love you too, you grumpy old fuck.”

“Right, that’s it you fucking brat.” Nigel growled, playfully biting Adam’s neck as he dug his fingers into the ticklish patch behind Adam’s knee. They rolled across the filthy sheets, giggling until Nigel allowed Adam to pin him to the bed. Adam beamed down, holding Nigel’s gaze for nearly a minute and radiating happiness.

Christ, Nigel couldn’t wait to buy that fucking ring.  


	14. I Just Wanted to See a Fucking Nebula

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nigel wants more for Adam. Darko wants Adam to fucking knock.

         Bev rolled her hips as she rode Darko. He ran a hand up the base of her skull, nestling his fingers in her hair and tugging so Bev’s back arched deeply. She let out a small cry as the new angle made her see stars.

         “Phil…Phil…Phil…” Bev raked her nails over Darko’s chest, mindlessly seeking something to ground her as she approached the precipice.

         Darko let his head thump back against the headboard, working a hand between them to gently rub her clit. The added friction made Bev wail, clenching around him. He watched her fall apart in the hazy seconds before his own release, shouting a thick-tongued declaration of love as he came.

         Bev fell forward, panting against his neck, hair matted to her forehead and cheeks. Darko had never seen anyone so beautiful.

         “Please tell me we have time before we have to meet Adam and Nigel.” Bev moved so Darko could get rid of the condom. He turned to her, naked, rumpled and with a sheen of sweat that made her want to melt into the sheets and blow off any and all plans for a double date.

         “We should get going in like 15 minutes.”

         “Ten, actually,” called a monotone voice.  

         Bev and Darko both cocked their heads, mouths falling open.

         “Cosmo?”

         “In the living room.”

         When no further information was offered, Bev furrowed her eyebrows and looked at Darko, who shrugged.

         After a round of silent, emphatic charades, Bev snatched the duvet from the bed, crafting a makeshift toga, while Darko snagged his boxers off the lamp in the corner. Together, they quietly shuffled to Darko’s living room, where Adam perched on the couch, reading a biography of Kepler.  

         Adam looked up at the bedraggled duo. “You should really get ready, we’ll be late.”

         “Cosmo, when the fuck did you get here?”

         “About 9 minutes ago. I would have said something, but it sounded like you were almost done.”

         Bev made a series of choking noises before laughing hysterically, her cheeks flushing. Darko just blinked at Adam. He vaguely registered Bev patting his shoulder as she shuffled back into the bedroom.

         “Why are you here, man?”

         “You were probably having sex when I texted you,” Adam said with a small nod. “Nigel couldn’t pick me up, so I decided to catch a ride from you and Beverly. Mrs. Keller gave me a ride here on her way to mahjong. She’s not a very good driver, but she got upset when I told her. I think maybe Nigel should talk to her about stopping before there’s an accident. She likes Nigel. He always carries her groceries for her.”

         Darko looked pained. “Cosmo? WHY couldn’t Nigel pick you up?”

         “He texted me an hour ago and said he would meet us at Mt. Wilson.” Adam said with a small frown. “Was there a problem at work?”

         “Well, Nigel was there, so probably.” Darko deadpanned, earning a sniff from Adam and snort from Bev, who emerged from the bedroom looking for all the world like she hadn’t just been rolling around on Darko’s sheets with her hair in a wild tangle.

         “You, stop starting shit and go get dressed, Adam’s been waiting long enough.” Darko smirked at Bev’s dry tone.

         “Don’t forget to disinfect the scratches on your chest! Nigel forgot to once and he got an infection on his back. I had to put cream on it for two weeks and he had to sleep on his stomach, which always makes him grumpy.”

         Darko closed his eyes trying desperately not to picture Adam scratching the hell out of Nigel. His unhelpful mind supplied a memory of Nigel last September, refusing to sit at his desk chair and instead angrily pacing around their office like a wild man. When Darko had asked, Nigel had muttered something about blue eyes and sharp claws, causing Darko to flee for coffee with Ralph.

         With a mild frown, Darko retreated to the bedroom.

                                          

* * *

         Darko parked in the employee lot as instructed and smiled as Adam leaped from the car, craning around the lot.

         “There’s Nigel’s car! He’s here!”

         “Well he should be, we’re running late.” Bev smiled at Adam, throwing an arm around his back to encourage him toward the museum.

         “That’s because you two were having sex,” Adam admonished before pausing and turning to Darko. “I see now why you get frustrated when Nigel and I are having sex, it throws off the schedule.”

         “Yeah, that’s why it’s upsetting.”

         “I’ve told you repeatedly that I disinfect the table after. And it’s imperative we use it because the angle is good for both Nigel and myself. You of all people should know that Nigel has a trick knee.”

         “Yeah, but why does it always have to be over my place at the fucking table?”

         “Nigel thinks it’s funny.”

         “Of fucking course.” Darko would not hit Nigel during the double date. He wouldn’t. Not until Bev was distracted, at least.

         Adam led Bev into the museum, searching the lobby for Nigel. Darko followed, moving past a group of tourists who were there for a night tour.

         “Cosmo, is this your group?”

         “No, I’m not giving a tour tonight.”

         “Wait, then why the fuck are we here?”

         “Luiz said we could look at the Infrared Spatial Interferometer tonight,” Adam said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

         Darko looked at Bev, who shrugged.

         “Ok, using the smallest words you can think of, tell me what the fuck that is.”

         “It’s a way of seeing variable stars using starlight and lasers. The Infrared Spatial Interferometer is actually three separate 65-foot telescopes that-NIGEL!” Adam waved then, froze, face scrunching when he saw the blonde strolling with his boyfriend. “Amy?”

         “Nice talking to you gorgeous,” Nigel shook Amy’s hand and offered her a wink. “He’ll have his application in soon.”

         Amy waved shyly at Adam before retreating back to offices. Adam tensed, his hands started tapping on his thighs. Nigel nodded toward Darko and Bev before approaching Adam.

         Nigel looked hurt when he finally reached Adam, cupping the younger man’s cheek with one hand and studying him with sad eyes. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”

         “Because I don’t want to.”

         “Adam.”

         “No. I said no and she had no right to call you. I want to go home!”

         “Amy didn’t call me, she left a message on our machine after you blew her off!” Nigel reeled Adam closer, but Adam struggled against the hold. “So I decided I’d talk to her and I’m glad I fucking did.”

         “NO! GO AWAY. I WISH YOU NEVER CAME HOME!”

         Bev turned to look askance at Darko, who looked pained.

         “I just wanted to see a fucking nebula,” he muttered.

         The tourists were taking an interest, their murmurs dying down as they watched the two men grapple. Nigel had his arms around Adam, gently rocking the boy as he murmured into his ear. Adam shoved at Nigel, fussing and proclaiming his hate. A few of the tourists moved closer. One boy pulled out a phone, pointing it toward Nigel and Adam.

         “Space shit is that way, fucker.” Darko took a menacing step toward the kid who immediately pocketed his phone. A woman glared, putting her arm around the boy.

         “How dare you-”

         “Turn the fuck around, lady!” Bev flashed her badge. The woman and boy moved deeper into the lobby, muttering. The tour guide cleared his throat and led the group away.

         “What’s happening?” Darko moved closer to Cosmo, who was still upset, but at least breathing normally. “Do we need to go?”

         “YES.” Adam pulled halfheartedly at the hands around his waist.  

         “No.” Nigel pressed his mouth to the back of Adam’s neck, nuzzling softly as he rocked. “Cosmo just needs to reconsider Amy’s offer.”

         “I don’t want to go to graduate school. I can’t.”

         “Of fucking course you can, darling.” Nigel’s grip loosened, but Adam remained in his arms.

         “Graduate school?” Bev moved closer, careful not to make Adam feel boxed in as she approached.

         “Amy is the new liaison to the UCLA Astronomy program. She talked to the university director about Adam, and how he’d be a strong fucking candidate for the program.”

         “Adam that’s fantastic!”

         “Way to fucking go, Cosmo!”

         Adam stiffened again. “NO! I’m happy now.”

         “Come on, Cosmo,” Nigel soothed, lips still running along the column of Adam’s neck as they rocked. “Why not? I’m making enough money for both of us, gorgeous. In a few years, you could be the fucker on the telescope instead of the fucker giving the tour.”

         “I like our schedule.” Adam’s voice was reedy. “I-I have a job, and I have y-you. I don’t want that to change. I-f I went to school we’d have to reorganize. Everything will change.”

         “Everything changed when you came here, Adam. Everything fucking changed when you met me. You’re a lot fucking tougher than you think.” Nigel let his arms go slack. Adam turned and buried his face in Nigel’s shirt. “We’ll go to bed together and wake up together no matter what, we can figure everything else out as long as we have that, right, gorgeous?”

         Adam looked up, face still fraught. “I don’t do well with other students, I don’t want them to call me Raki the Retard again. What if I can’t-”

         “You’ve reformed half of the LA drug scene inside of two years, Cosmo. How hard could this be?” Nigel smiled and pecked a small kiss on Adam’s nose. Adam’s lips twitched into a small smile, but his fingers were still drumming odd little patterns on Nigel’s chest.

         “Fuck it man, I do the work schedules,” Darko said with a shrug. “I can fix it so Nigel’s free for all your classes. He can sit there with you, scaring the shit out of everyone if you want.”

         “But my job-”

         “Will be here if you decide you don’t like school.” Nigel ran a hand through Adam’s hair, tugging lightly. “Amy said she wanted you to go, but she’d take you back here in a heartbeat.”

         “I’m just not-”

         “No one says you’ve got to do it, but why not apply?” The three men turned to look at Bev in confusion.  

         “What?”

         “If they accept you, then you’ll know you’re meant to be in the program, if they don’t, you can reapply or not,” Bev shrugged. “This whole decision is moot unless you apply. So why not apply? I’ll help you study for the GREs and you can write and submit a paper…you’ll know if you can handle the work after that.”

         Adam studied his drumming fingers for a moment. “I’ll apply. But that doesn’t mean I’m going. I don’t want to decide yet.”

         Nigel whooped, sweeping Adam backward into a deep kiss. Adam returned it sweetly, fingers relaxing enough to push Nigel’s bangs away from his face.

         “I’m sorry I yelled.” Adam pecked little kisses along Nigel’s chin. “I’m very happy you came home.”

         “I deserved it, pushy fuck, talking to people behind your back.” He caught Adam’s lips, a soft press. “Ought to spank me for that shit, Cosmo.”

         Adam laughed, Darko groaned.

         “Can we see the space shit before you two whip your dicks out and we get us banned from yet another fucking building?”

         Adam gently pushed Nigel away before taking Darko’s arm.

         “The Infrared Spatial Interferometer imaging room is over here.”

         “Lead the way, Dr. Cosmo.” Darko stopped and looked at Adam. “Hey, can we see more of those nebulas?”

         “Sure! I know Lucy could help us find some…”

         Nigel moved to follow Darko and Adam as they disappeared down the hall. Bev stepped in his path. Nigel watched her carefully, jaw tensed.

         “I, uh, just wanted a quick word with you.”

         Nigel nodded.

         “Darko told me about Bucharest.” Bev pitched her voice lower, leaning close. “About what you did, the men you killed.”

         Nigel blinked, something cold settled into his stomach.

         “You want me to stay the fuck away, is that it? Don’t want your precious fucking Darko to be tempted, right?” Nigel sneered at her.

         “SHUT UP.” Nigel took an involuntary step back. She followed him. “Darko was right, you are an asshole when you get cornered, aren’t you?”

         Nigel glared at her, but confusion was clearly written on his features. Bev rolled her eyes and grabbed Nigel, pulling him into a hug.

         “Thank you,” she whispered in his ear. “Thank you for saving him.”

         Nigel pulled back, hands still limp at his sides. He looked like he’d been slapped.

         “What?”

         “Thank you.” She repeated, hugging him one more time. She smiled when she felt hands tentatively rest on the small of her back.

         “I was just looking after him.”

         “You don’t have to look after him anymore.” Bev pulled back and smiled. “Not by yourself, anyway.”

         “Good.” Nigel smiled, wrapping an arm around Bev’s shoulders as they started walking after Darko and Adam. “You tell him he doesn’t have to look after me anymore, either.”

* * *

         “I can feel you fucking pouting.” Nigel didn’t bother to open his eyes.

         A huff from Adam sent warm wet air over Nigel’s shoulder. A hand found its way to Nigel’s thatch of chest hair, nimble fingers plucking softly.

         “My father said he went to college as much as I did. He was always there, arguing with the dean when I upset someone or did something weird. Calming me down when I had a fit during a class discussion. Helping me rewrite my schedule every single week because the work kept changing.” Blue eyes peered at Nigel in the darkness. “He hated it. I hated that he hated it.”

         “Maybe he did,” Nigel ran a hand through Adam’s mussed hair. “But you both made it through. So will we.”

         “But-”

         Nigel sighed, sitting up. He moved around the room picking up his jeans and a pair of soft cotton pajamas that Adam liked to read in. He tossed them at Cosmo, snorting when they hit him square in the head and draped over his face.

         “Put those on and follow me,” Nigel instructed, pulling on his pants and a soft navy henley.

         “Where?” Adam frowned as he buttoned up the pajamas. “Nigel, it’s 2:13, we should be sleeping.”

         “Are you fucking sleeping?”

         “Obviously not.”

         “You going to fall asleep in the next 15 minutes?”

         “No.”

         “Then shut the fuck up and follow me.” Nigel grabbed three spare blankets from the closet and left the apartment, trusting Adam to follow. He packed Adam into the car with the blankets and started the silent drive into the hills. When the streetlights stopped and the night became encompassing, Nigel pulled off the road, heading for Adam’s favorite clearing, the one that afforded the best view of the sky with the least light pollution.

         Adam smiled, taking Nigel’s hand and squeezing it when he recognized the area. Once Nigel found their spot, he parked, bustling about the old Ford. Laying one blanket on the ground next to the front tire, Nigel wrapped another around his shoulders. He opened his arms and Adam sank into them immediately, pressing his back to Nigel’s chest and sighing happily when Nigel wound his arms and the blanket around Adam’s middle.

         Nigel rested his chin on Adam’s shoulder, helping the boy arrange the final blanket around their tangled legs. They sat, staring at the infinite universe before them, a content little bundle bearing witness to the galaxy.

         “Do you want me to tell you a story?” Adam asked as Nigel pressed his nose into the delicate curls at the base of Adam’s skull.

         “No, Cosmo, I want to tell you one.” Nigel lipped at the join of Adam’s neck and jaw, enjoying the shiver he elicited. “Once upon a time there was a boy named Adam, who was the smartest fucking boy in the universe.”

         “Nigel, there’s no way I’m the smartest person in the universe. I’m probably smarter than you and Darko, but there are still people like Stephen Hawk-”

         Nigel dug his fingers into Adam’s stomach, making the smaller man squirm and huff. “No interrupting my fucking stories Cosmo.”

         The probing, tickling fingers began to stroke soothingly over Adam’s cotton covered stomach. Nigel felt his chest burn when the kid collapsed, boneless, against him.

         “Anyway, this Cosmo was so smart, it was a fucking crime that he was wasting his time giving tours to dumb Americans when he should be mapping the universe or some shit. Luckily, this kid was dating an old, broken down fucking gangster, who knew his Cosmo deserved more. They worked together, and soon Cosmo became a doctor. Every night, Cosmo got up when the sun went down. He spent all night staring up at space, discovering shit no one knew was there. His fucking gangster switched to working nights, so he could spend his days in bed with Cosmo. And they fucked and looked at the stars for the rest of their lives.” Nigel rubbed his scruffy chin along the tender skin of Adam’s neck. “Oh, and Cosmo won the Nobel prize for space shit and Nigel was so proud of him, he blew him under the table at the ceremony.”

         Adam snorted, turning until he was straddling Nigel, nose to nose.

         “I’ll have to study more, and you know I get upset easily when I don’t have a good schedule. We’ll have less sex, because I’ll have work to do. You’ll get mad and horny. We’ll have sex and then I’ll have a meltdown because I have to stay up later to study. Things will change.”

         Nigel thought about slipping a simple band on Adam’s finger, Constanța crying in a church pew, and Darko giving him shit when Nigel inevitably teared up. “Not all change is bad, gorgeous.”

         “I know, but it’s hard. It’s always hard for me.”

         “Adam, you can do this. I’m not saying it won’t be fucking hard, but we can do this.” Nigel’s mouth curled into a smirk. “Besides, as you fucking love to point out, I’m getting old. I probably won’t be interested in sex that much longer.”

         Adam glanced down.

         “Your hand is on my cock right now.”

         Nigel’s grin spread as he felt Adam swell in his palm. He ran his fingertip over Adam’s growing length twice before slipping his hand into Adam’s pants with a wink.

         “Well, I’m not that fucking old yet, gorgeous.”

 


	15. The Right Fucking Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nigel and Darko go ring shopping. Also, a proposal and a half...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's all give it up to my Murder Bestie Mwuahna who designed today's art. It's far superior to anything I could ever do. And admit it: You totally want the ring, don't you?

 

         “You sure you don’t want to go?” Nigel tugged a bright orange t-shirt over his head, it featured a cartoon oriole bird clutching a bat and scowling. Adam had picked it out, saying it reminded him of Nigel.

         “No. I don’t care about baseball.” Adam glanced up from his GRE Physics book with a small smile. “Though it’s nice you and Beverly are bonding. I hope your team wins.”

         “Thought you didn’t care.”

         “I don’t, but you two do. And if the game goes well, I won’t have to listen to you complain about it later.”

         Nigel rolled his eyes. “You’re all fucking heart, Cosmo.”

         “You love me anyway,” Adam said from behind his book. Nigel jumped over the arm of the couch, landing with a knee on either side of Adam’s legs. He tipped the book back and stole a kiss.

         “Yeah, I fucking do.” One more kiss and Nigel rolled off the couch, grabbing his wallet and keys as he headed to the door. “Study up, Dr. Cosmo. Bev said she’s giving you a practice test after the game.”

                                          

* * *

         “I feel like Cosmo would count this as a lie.” Darko worried his beer bottle between his fingers.  

         Nigel rolled his eyes. “What fucking lie? We said we were going to a game, we’re at a fucking game.”

         Bev cracked a peanut and let the shells fall on Darko’s knee. She smiled at him as he brushed them off with a glare. Bev wore black shorts, an orange jersey with Jones on the back, orange and black feather earrings, oriole bird sneakers, and a baseball cap – even her nails were painted orange. She looked like a crazy person. A beautiful, funny, smart lunatic, and Darko hated how endearing he found the whole ensemble.

         “I’m with Nigel on this. We’re at a game, it’s not like we need to tell Adam what we talked about.”

         Darko sighed. “Alright, so then what are you plans?”

         Nigel smiled. “I was thinking stargazing dinner, propose under the stars, you know, like our first date.”

         Bev beamed. “I love it.”

         “Lame.”

         “Fuck you, nenorocitule.” Nigel threw a curly fry at Darko. Bev tugged his baseball cap over his eyes. “How many proposals have you done?”

         Darko threw the curly fry back and turned to Bev. “Do you know what his last proposal was? Puking in an alley and then pulling out a ring.”

         “I was already on my fucking knees.”

         “She said yes?”

         Darko raised an eyebrow. “Shocking that marriage didn’t last, right?”

         “Ok, Dorko, what’s your proposal scenario?”

         Darko stole a handful of peanuts and thought, before turning to Nigel. “I think you should take Adam to the observatory. Tell him that there’s some cool fucking space discovery shit and he should be there. Have them write Marry Me on a printout. Like it was written in the fucking stars.”

         Nigel scoffed. “You fucking realize I’ll be listening to a 40 minute lecture on why that’s improbable and the history of people making arbitrary shapes out of the fucking stars, right?”

         “Fine, what about a grand fucking gesture? On the scoreboard here, or we could get fireworks-”

         “I can’t decide what Cosmo hates more, loud fucking noises, crowds, or fucking sports.”

         “What about renting out the planetarium?”

         “I checked. Six month waiting list. I’ll be goddamned if I wait that long.”

         “Well, what about doves? We could release them when you propose…”

         “Fucking doves? Just what I want, feathers and bird shit – be still my fucking heart.”

         “Fine, do your boring shit proposal.” Darko pouted, taking a pull of his beer. “Bev and I can do set up. Same place as before?”

         Nigel nodded. Bev cocked her head.

         “Did you set up his first date with Adam?”

         Darko shrugged. “Not much to it, just put a table up, threw some mac n cheese in an insulated container and iced some sarsaparilla. Pilled a bunch of blankets next to the table so they could snuggle, then drove off a safe distance with Ralph and watched this sorry motherfucker pull out the cheesiest fucking moves I’d ever seen.”

         Nigel glared, moving to smack Darko. He stilled his hand when Bev’s got there first, gently cupping Darko’s jaw.

         “You’re fucking cute, you know that?” She kissed Darko softly, smiling when he chased her lips as she pulled back.

         “Can we get back to my thing before you come in your fucking pants?”

         Darko turned, sneering. “No. You get to watch me make out with my fucking girlfriend, nenorocitule. It’s the least you can fucking do after all the shit you’ve made me fucking witness.”

         Bev threaded her fingers into Darko’s hair, pausing to catch Nigel’s eye and shrug. “We’ll finish planning in one sec.”

         She dragged Darko’s smirking mouth back to hers.

                                          

* * *

         The shop Eddie recommended was quiet during lunch hours, just a few well-appointed patrons leisurely browsing. Nigel and Darko moved inside, blinking as their eyes adjusted to the bright florescent lighting of the jewelry store. Darko shifted uncomfortably next to Nigel, he hated posh stores like this, it always felt like the service people could smell the poverty on him – like they knew he belonged in the streets and not among their polished displays. Nigel grunted, nudging Darko and moving toward a small smiling man behind a glass counter.

         “Welcome to Tiffany’s! I’m Franklyn. How may I help you gentlemen today?” The man sounded friendly enough, but Darko still glared, on principle.

         “I’m looking for an engagement ring, something fucking stunning.”

         The man didn’t blink at Nigel’s profanity or the hands smudging up the glass counter.

         “Of course, sir. We have a wonderful selection here.” Franklyn walked over to a counter in the center of the store, gesturing to a palette of diamonds. “Do you have a budget in mind, sir? Or perhaps a diamond cut or style?”

         Nigel frowned at the display. “These are women’s rings! The fuck am I going to do with these?”

         Franklyn blinked, before smiling with a furrowed brow.

         “It’s a gay marriage,” Darko supplied.

         “Bisexual fucking marriage!”

         “What the fuck are you talking about? There’s no such thing as getting bisexual married. You’re committing to a cock, just say you’re getting gay married for fuck’s sake.”

         “Sexuality is a spectrum, you fucking fuck.”

         Darko rolled his eyes, as he always did when Nigel started parroting Adam. “Yeah, but you landed on the cock side of the spectrum, so why not just fucking go with it?”

         “I landed on the Adam side of the spectrum, and he just happens to have a cock.” Neither man seemed to notice that the whole store had stopped to watch this debate. “That doesn’t mean that I don’t like women. I can see what a great fucking ass Bev has, gorgeous goddamn smile too.”

         “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, NENOROCITULE?”

         A small cough made them both turn.

         “I’m so sorry for presuming, gentlemen,” the clerk interrupted softly. He smiled at Darko. “Would you like a moment to confer with your fiancé about what type of ring you’d like?”

         “HIM? You think I’d fucking put a ring on that finger? He doesn’t even understand how fucking bisexuality works!” Nigel grabbed his phone, turning it on and shoving the lock screen in Franklyn’s bewildered face. The screen showed Adam in blue light, face covered in the galaxies from his projector. “That’s the man I’m fucking marrying – a gorgeous little angel with dainty fucking hands. I couldn’t afford a ring that would fit on his fucking meat hooks.”

         “I have a girlfriend,” Darko blurted, brows scrunching. “And she’s goddamn beautiful!”

         “I know,” Nigel teased. Darko turned, a horrified expression taking over his face.

         “STOP THAT!”

         “Uh, sirs?” Franklyn was waving his hand and gesturing down the counter. “We have our selection of men’s rings here.”

         Darko and Nigel shouldered each other as they made their way to the display, knocking a bit harder than was wise around expensive merchandise. They peered into the case, Nigel squinting at the polished bands. Darko leaned over Nigel’s shoulder, a weird thrill running through him as he thought about buying a different pair of bands – maybe rose gold to bring out the slight flush Bev’s skin had when she ran?

         Nigel was still studying the case when Darko saw it – the perfect ring for Cosmo.

         “THERE!” Darko slapped his hand on the case, making Franklyn jump and Nigel raise an eyebrow. “That one! That’s Cosmo’s fucking ring!”

         “Where?”

         “Right fucking there, look at it!” Darko pounded his finger over a yellow gold ring lined with two rows of diamonds on either side of the band, the middle was plain gold, forming a capital _T_ shape on each side of the ring.

         “Excellent choice, sir,” Franklyn pushed his hand under Darko’s, clearly afraid the bigger man was going to break straight through the glass. “I’ll just pull it for you, shall I?”

         Franklyn fumbled with the lock pulling the tray and offering the gold band to Darko. He grabbed it, trying to shove the band on his ring finger. When it wouldn’t fit, Darko cursed and slipped the ring on his pinky, extending his hand to admire the bauble.

         “No need to fucking thank me, nenorocitule,” Darko said, holding his hand up to Nigel.

         “That is the ugliest fucking thing I’ve ever seen and I look at you every morning.” Nigel swatted Darko’s hand away.

         “WHAT?” Darko snatched his hand back and glared. “This is fucking gorgeous. It’s fucking sparkly like the stars.”

         “It’s fucking sparkly like a whore at a club.” Nigel sneered at Darko’s hand. “Adam’s not going to want all that bullshit.”

         “He fucking will!” Darko angled his phone to take a picture of his hand. “I’m fucking showing him this after you propose. We’ll see who’s right.”

         “If I may interject-”

         “You may keep your fucking mouth shut.” Nigel glared, sending Franklyn two steps back. Nigel sighed, mentally filling a red balloon that looked suspiciously like Darko’s head. “Forgive me, Frankie, I’m just looking for something a little classier.”

         “Cheap fuck, you have no fucking taste.” Darko made a _jerk off_ gesture before pulling the ring of his finger and tossing it to Franklyn. The clerk fumbled for a few moments before clutching the ring to his chest. He expelled a breath, replacing it in the case with shaky hands.

         “If you’re looking for something more understated, I could recommend our signature piece.” The clerk held up a plain platinum band with _Tiffany & Co. _engraved on the outside. Darko snatched it from his hand and shoved it on his pinky, taking another fucking picture.

         Nigel glared at the clerk. “Why the fuck would I want some fucking woman’s name on my Adam’s finger? The fuck is wrong with you? You want me to buy a fucking ring with a name on it, that ring had better say _Nigel & Co._”

         “Sir, it’s simply a statement piece-”

         “It’s the wrong fucking statement, asshole.” Nigel rolled his eyes. “Fucking Americans, they need to fucking label every stitch of their goddamn clothing.”

         “You know your jacket says _Adidas_ , right?”

         “Fuck off, Darko, take off the ring, we’re going to a less twatty store.”

         Darko took one last look at the band on his finger, deciding that when he married Bev, they’d have to consider yellow gold bands – platinum made his skin look sallow. With a shrug he tossed the band back to the clerk and followed Nigel from the store.

                                                  

* * *

         The boys from Bucharest shoved through the front door of Nigel’s apartment. Still sniping and smacking each other.

         “So, I take it shopping was a bust?” Bev asked from Nigel’s sofa. She had only been there a few minutes, still a little nervous about using her newly-issued key. Nigel let out an exasperated puff of air and he settled into the recliner.

         “We went to six stores. Fucking nothing worked. I’m thinking of just getting something made.”

         “I still think you’re a cheap fuck,” Darko emerged from Nigel’s kitchen with two bottles of beer, he handed one to Nigel, and flopped on the sofa next to Beverly, free hand immediately seeking her knee. “There was this fucking Tiffany ring that was perfect. Nigel just didn’t want to fucking pay for it.”

         “That fucking ring was hideous.” Nigel downed a swallow of his beer and looked at his cell phone, brows furrowing.

         “Hideously expensive!” Darko wouldn’t let it go.

         Bev snagged Darko’s beer, taking a long pull. He squinted at her, sneering. Bev rolled her eyes and tapped the mouth of the longneck to Darko’s nose.

         “Should have gotten me one, then,” She shrugged. Darko muttered, getting up to grab another beer. Nigel smirked at Darko’s retreating form and raised his beer to Bev in a little toast. “Do you have pictures of this beautiful, hideous ring?”

         “Fuck no! It was all fucking wrong for Adam.”

         “No it wasn’t!” Darko stomped back into the room with a fresh beer. He pulled out his phone as he took his place next to Bev. He scrolled a few minutes and stopped, holding up the phone. “See? Fucking gorgeous!”

         Bev made a choking sound and coughed.

         “Dorko, are you…wearing the ring?” She tried so hard to keep the laugh from her voice.

         “He tried on every fucking ring we looked at. Every. Fucking. One.” Nigel muttered, still glaring at his cell.

         “You have to see it on a finger so you know how it looks!” Darko was indignant. Bev smiled and kissed the corner of his mouth, he couldn’t hold the frown any longer.

         “You’re an adorable, sexy man and I love that you helped Nigel today.” Bev whispered, peppering kisses onto Darko’s jaw. He preened at the attention shooting Nigel a smug look as his friend rolled his eyes. Bev pulled back. “But you have shit taste in jewelry.”

         Nigel barked out a laugh. Darko furrowed his brow and scooted away from Bev, pouting on the opposite end of the couch.

         “The ring was sparkly, like the stars.” He grumbled. “Cosmo would fucking love it, you assholes.”

         “Where the fuck is Cosmo?” Nigel said.

         Bev glanced at the clock. “It’s only been 15 minutes, Nigel.”

         Darko looked over at Nigel, face concerned.

         “No, that’s fucking weird. Cosmo isn’t late. Not ever. No text?”

         “Would I be fucking worried if he texted?”

          Darko rolled his eyes. “Why Adam puts up with your grumpy old ass is beyond me.”

         Nigel opened his mouth just as Adam opened the door.

         “Cosmo, you’re late.” Nigel was off the recliner and running his fingers gently over Adam’s face in the span of a breath, checking for damage to his beautiful darling. “What happened, gorgeous? Are you ok?”

         Adam was flush from exertion and smiled as he softly batted Nigel’s hands away.

         “I’m fine. The man at the shop hadn’t polished your ring yet and I had to wait.” He pressed a quick kiss to Nigel’s mouth as he took off his coat. “Hi, Darko! Hi, Bev!”

         Nigel blinked at Adam as the younger man carefully hung his coat in the hall closet.

         “Gorgeous, what ring?”

         Adam smiled, and dug in his pocket. He produced a small black box and opened it. The ring was a thick silver colored band with thatch marks throughout. It glistened in the light, looking almost otherworldly.

         “I, what, uh, Cosmo?” Nigel’s voice was unnaturally high. He glanced toward Bev and Darko, they were holding hands on the sofa, mouths open. Nigel looked back at Adam, his heart thumping in his ears.

         “Oh, right.” Adam dropped down to one knee. “Harlan said I should do this traditionally.”

         He cleared his throat.

         “Nigel Enric Balaur, I love you and now that you’re divorced I think we should get married.” Adam looked up at Nigel, who was staring with huge eyes and a gaping mouth at his darling. Adam frowned. “Oh, uh, I should have said _would you marry me?_ ”

         Nigel couldn’t breathe. He looked at the beautiful boy and the beautiful ring and tried to remember how to speak. His vision was blurry.

         “Nigel? Nigel, you’re crying.” Adam was up and touching Nigel’s cheeks, softly tracing the tears away. “We don’t have to get married. I didn’t realize it would be upsetting to ask so soon.”

         Nigel caught Adam’s fingers in a shaking hand, drawing them to his lips.

         “I-” He tried to clear the emotion out of his throat. “I was supposed to fucking ask you that question, Cosmo.”

         Adam squinted.

         “Why? Oh! Do…Do you want to take turns asking?”

         Nigel laughed, a wet huff, as he yanked Adam to his chest.

         “No Cosmo, this was perfect. You’re fucking perfect.” He buried his face in Adam’s hair, breathing deep. “I’d be fucking honored to wear your ring, gorgeous.”

         “Good!” Adam pushed back and kissed him swiftly, before pulling out the ring and offering it to Nigel. “Do you like it? It’s Gibeon meteorite.”

         Nigel smiled, of fucking course his goddamn Cosmo would find the perfect ring. He turned the thick band in his fingers, on the inside a small balloon was engraved, with the words _love Cosmo._ He opened his mouth but was interrupted by a high pitched wail. Adam and Nigel turned to the couch in tandem.

         Darko sat red faced on the sofa, fist pressed to his mouth, tears flowing down his cheeks. Bev was rubbing his back and trying to shush him, but the big man’s shoulders began to shake. Another wail escaped from behind Darko’s fist.

         “Phil, shhhhh! Shhhhh!” Bev soothed.

         “Meteorite fucking meteorite!” He sobbed, his voice squeaking. “It’s a space ring. He found a motherfucking space ring.”

         “Fucking Christ, Darko!”

         “Nigel! Don’t yell at Darko, he’s upset.” Nigel gaped as Adam moved from his arms to crouch by Darko. “Are you ok, Darko? Do you need a drink of water?”

         Darko squeaked, drawing in shaking breaths.

         “He’s fine, Adam.”

         “He seems really upset.” Adam’s fingers drummed on his thighs. “Why is he so upset?”

         Nigel’s hand ran gently through Adam’s hair, tugging at the ends - a soothing gesture that slowed the frantic tapping. “He’s not upset, darling. He’s fucking happy – and a twat.”

         Darko made another noise, but managed a nod. Bev was pressing small kisses into his shoulder as his breath evened.

         “You’re happy?” Adam studied the man before him, making eye contact. Darko managed a watery smile.

         “We’re all happy, Adam.” Bev offered a smile and Adam realized she had tears in her eyes too. “But I think it’s time for me to take weepy home so you two can celebrate in peace. How ‘bout it, big guy? You think you can make it to the car or should I carry you?”

         “It’s a space ring, Bev!” Darko was hoarse, his eyes rimmed with red. Bev didn’t think she could love him more than in this very moment. “Did you see?”

         “She saw it last Tuesday when we had lunch.” Adam supplied, awkwardly patting Darko’s shoulder. “She advised me to go with the thicker band, because it will look better on Nigel’s finger. She also helped me with the engraving, I wasn’t sure about the symbolism of the balloon since it’s not red, but Bev said you’d understand.”

         Darko and Nigel goggled at Bev, who offered a small shrug.

         “Adam said he wanted it to be a surprise.” Her grin turned crooked. “Plus, it was fun to listen to you two idiots plan proposals. There were going to be doves, Adam.”

         Adam scrunched his nose and looked up at Nigel. “I don’t like doves. You know that.”

         Nigel laughed.

                                                  

* * *

Normally, when Adam Raki was sucking his dick, two fingers deep in his ass, Nigel’s brain got caught on words like _heat_ , _fuck_ , or _stretch_ repeating over and over in his head until they turned into a pleasurable buzzing in his ears. Today, Nigel’s pleasure-addled mind had found a new mantra.

          _Shine_.

         Nigel gasped as Adam rolled his tongue and crooked his fingers. The bolt of pleasure arched Nigel’s back made him adjust his grip on Adam’s hair. His engagement ring flashed in his vision. Brilliant, the unfamiliar metal was already a cherished weight on Nigel’s finger. He flexed his hand again, just to watch the ring glint. He was so busy chasing the light with his hand, Nigel was blindsided when he felt a sharp pinch on his upper thigh. ****

         “Nigel!” Adam frowned at him over Nigel’s spit slick cock. “Are you paying attention?”

         Nigel let his hand drop to the side, smiling sheepishly. “Sorry, darling.”

         Adam huffed a sigh. “Do you think you’re stretched enough?”

         Nigel nodded. “Anyway you want me?”

         “Focused on me,” Adam admonished.

         This fucking kid.

         Nigel offered a toothy grin, waving his ring in front of Adam’s eyes. “Come on, Cosmo. It’s not every day I get engaged. Be a little fucking patient.”

         “You’ve been engaged four times, Nigel.” Adam sat up, unimpressed. “Get on your hands and knees, please.”

         Nigel pushed forward, capturing Adam in a sweet, slow kiss.

         “But this is the first time anyone’s ever asked me,” He whispered into Adam’s mouth. Adam nipped at Nigel’s lip, slick hand pushing against the older man’s shoulder. Nigel took the hint and turned, limbs clumsy as he eagerly fell into the position.

         Adam ran his nails lightly over Nigel’s spine, not a scratch, more of a tingle. Nigel arched into the sensation, already feeling heat pool in his gut. Adam murmured something softly before long fingers wrapped around Nigel’s hips pulling him back and onto Adam’s cock. Nigel grunted at the stretch, he’d missed this.

         Adam fucked him shallowly at first, giving Nigel time to adjust, revel in the position. When his tongue got loose and the moans started to spill out of him, Nigel felt Adam shift, wrapping thin arms around Nigel and pulling backwards. Nigel went willingly, he always did with Adam, settling himself on the younger man’s lap and whimpering at the new angle.

         One sticky hand wandered down Nigel’s stomach, playing over the stretch of soft flesh before it reached his cock. The other hand pressed into Nigel’s chest, keeping him firmly against Adam. The position made Adam more aggressive, thrusting hard and fast, leaving Nigel helpless to do anything but roll his hips and enjoy the sensation. Nigel let his head fall back, breathing in the mint scent of Adam’s shampoo as he buried his face in the curls he found.

         “C-Cosmo…Adam! Wait.” The hips behind him stilled and Nigel felt bereft.

         “A-are you O-OK? I-is it your knee?” Adam sounded dazed, but his hand left Nigel’s cock and immediately went to the bend in Nigel’s leg, prodding gently. “I read this position was good for prostate stimulation, but i-if-”

         “I love it, it’s fucking perfect, but I’m close gorgeous and I need to see you.” Nigel’s voice was hoarse. “Please.”

         Adam caught his mouth for a kiss, pressing his hips up into Nigel one last time before pulling out. Nigel was near boneless as he fell to the bed, he smiled as he felt Adam help him turn, adjusting legs and sheets with his brow furrowed in concentration. When he was satisfied with the way Nigel lay sprawled before him, Adam gave a little nod, and moved between Nigel’s legs.

         Hovering over Nigel’s mouth, Adam waited, smirking, until he was tugged down for a kiss.

         “My Nigel,” Adam said fondly, moving back to press into Nigel again. The older man keened, hips seeking more of Adam as they rolled.

         “Yours,” Nigel agreed. “A-all fucking yours.”

         Nigel’s hands grappled for purchase on Adam’s sides, finally falling to tangle in the sheets. His head lolled on the pillow, mouth gasping and eyes scrunched shut. The feel of Adam overwhelmed him – panting breaths sweeping through his chest hair, nimble fingers digging into his hips, droplets of sweat splashing on his stomach, the tortuously steady drag of Adam’s cock as it filled him over and over. Nigel was powerless to do anything but allow the consummation, his universe narrowed to two bright blue points above him.

         Adam’s right hand moved from its anchor in the divot of Nigel’s hip, seeking Nigel’s left hand. Nigel fought against the tide of his orgasm, opening his eyes to watch Adam gently disentangle his hand from the sheets. Adam was flushed, his neck and chest coated in a sheen of sweat, hair sticking up in wild tuffs, breath coming in gasping gulps as he continued to rock his hips.

         Nigel had never seen anything more beautiful in his life.

         He made a noise, his brain questing for words in any of the languages he knew. Nigel only managed a low moan. Adam’s eyes snapped to Nigel’s, holding the connection as his fingers tightened around Nigel’s hand, drawing it to his lips. With a soft smile, Adam kissed the ring that already felt like it belonged on Nigel’s finger.

         Nigel came with a scream, his hand shaking against Adam’s lips. Adam’s fingers contracted around Nigel’s as he followed him over the edge. Wrung out, Adam collapsed on top of Nigel puffing out happy little noises as he caught his breath. As sweat cooled and pulses slowed, Nigel kept their hands linked, the silver meteorite on his finger catching the light on every inhale.

         “Marry me.”

         Adam squinted, still a little breathless. “I’m going to.”

         “Now.” Nigel whispered. “Tomorrow. Let’s just get in the car and go to Vegas. Please, gorgeous.”

         Adam smiled at Nigel, but shook his head. “No. You’ll want a celebration. So will Darko.”

         “No. Fuck that. I just want you.”

         Adam ran a hand through Nigel’s hair and pressed another kiss to the older man’s ring.

         “We’ll have a proper ceremony, Darko and Bev standing with us. Harlan and Constanța would want to be there too. She wasn’t at your last two weddings, was she?”

         “The first one wasn’t really a wedding.” Nigel shrugged. “I just gave some girl my pinky ring when I was high, told people I was married. Shame, I fucking loved that ring.”

         “What about Gabi?”

         He shrugged. “Constanța hated her on sight. Said she’d seen me make too many mistakes to watch that one. I was so pissed I dragged Gabi to a priest that day, called Darko and made him leave Sunday dinner to be a witness.”

         “That was rude.”

         “Didn’t matter, next time I saw Constanța she hugged me. Told me that she’d drag me by the ear if I wasn’t at Sunday dinner next week, my wife could come if she wanted.” Nigel shook his head. “Never matters how much of a shit I am to her.”

         “She loves you. She knows you only act like a shit because you feel insecure.” Nigel glared at Adam, who shrugged. “You don’t trust love, but you want it all the same. That’s why you keep chasing inappropriate people who reject you. Darko gave me a book about it, it actually explains a lot of your actions and impulse control problems.”

         “There’s a book?”

         “Yes. I read it along with the anger management texts, it was very informative. Would you like to read it?” Adam bit his lip. “I gave it back to Darko, but I’m sure he’ll loan it to us again.”

         “How long has Darko had this fucking book?”

         “I think Constanța gave it to him.” Adam yawned, snuggling into Nigel’s chest. “We can ask when she visits for the wedding.”

         “You don’t have to do this, gorgeous.”

         “Of course I don’t have to, I want to.”

         “You hate crowds. You’ll hate a big wedding.”

         “Not a big wedding, our wedding. Family and friends, a short non-religious ceremony and a reception with pre-approved music at a reasonable volume.” Nigel felt his chest warm, he could picture the whole ceremony. How handsome Adam would look in his suit, Darko sniffling through the vows, Constanța watching him with pride. He smiled, prompting Adam to echo the expression. “I’d like my coworkers and family to see how much you love me.”

         “One condition.”

         “What?”

         “If it ever gets to be too much, we say _fuck it_ and head for Vegas.” Nigel wrapped his free arm around Adam, pulling him tight to his torso. “Fucking deal?”

         “Fuckin’ A.”

                                                  

* * *

         Darko stretched in bed, studying Bev’s slack face. He guessed he had about 5 more minutes of blissful silence before the snores started. Oddly, he found it hard to sleep without them now.

         Bev had taken him back to her place, stripped him, and deposited him in the bed before disappearing. He was still blowing his nose when she returned, holding two mugs of Irish Breakfast Tea. Darko had spent the next few hours watching _48 Hours_ reruns with Bev glued to his side, sleepily murmuring about the flaws in investigative techniques and which suspect was clearly guilty. They had barely even kissed, but Darko couldn’t remember being happier in his life.

         Now, he carefully brushed his fingers through Bev’s hair, his chest felt full and warm.

         “I’m going to marry you one day.” Barely a whisper, Darko said it more as a promise to himself than the woman snuffling into the pillow.

         “Fine.” Darko jumped, eyes wide. His first impulse was to reel backwards, but a firm hand caught his elbow. Bev squinted at him from her spot on the pillow. “But don’t ask me for at least another few months, actually let’s just say after Nigel and Adam’s wedding, alright? And let Adam pick out the ring.”

         Darko went through a complicated range of open-mouthed expressions starting with shock and settling on indignity.

         Bev’s hand slid up his arm, squeezing the shoulder and tugging him back to his place next to her on the mattress. She pecked a kiss on his nose before turning to resettle with her back to him. “Stop making faces and get some damn sleep, Dorko. I have work in the morning.”  

         Darko tugged Bev into his arms, pressing a grin into her shoulder until her snoring started.


	16. Fuck Wedding Planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nigel finds Adam's ring. Adam gets stressed out. Bev and Darko moonlight as wedding planers. Nigel makes a change.

         “We’ve been here three hours,” Darko whined, his face planted firmly on his desk. “I still think we were closest with the whole _I, Nigel Balaur promise to love, honor, and cherish Adam Raki as well as fuck up anyone who fucking touches him._ ”

         “I liked that one too,” offered Ralph, who looked up from an overnight security report.

         “I can’t promise to fuck up people at my fucking wedding!” Nigel threw another hunk of paper at Darko, adding to the forest of crumpled pages at his feet.

         “We could go back to the cock sucking draft,” Darko offered.

         “There was a good bit in there about worshiping Cosmo’s cock.” Ralph stretched in his chair. “What if we took the _cock_ out and just made it a promise to worship Cosmo?”

         “I would worship him. And his cock.” Nigel pursed his lips, then made a frustrated noise. “I need to write real fucking vows, with like feelings and no fucking swearing.”

         “So you want to make sure everyone knows you didn’t write them?” Darko dodged the pen aimed at his head. “Adam won’t fucking care if you say fuck.”

         “Harlan already asked Adam if he was sure about marrying a floppy haired miscreant.” Nigel sighed. Harlan had visited twice since Nigel moved in, each time watching Nigel like he was going to steal something. “I need to make sure this doesn’t look like a joke.”

         “Fuck, alright. We’re gonna need help.” Darko grabbed his phone. “Let me call Bev.”

         “I don’t think your hair is floppy,” Ralph mused. “It frames your face.”

                                                  

* * *

         “Jesus, Adam, this is a perfect score.” Bev looked up from the GRE practice book with a smile.

         “I test well.” Adam was buried in a book about dark matter, barely glancing up when Bev spoke.

         “Well, that’s three practice tests today, I’d say you’re going to properly kick the ass of any other prospective graduate student UCLA is looking at.” Bev rubbed her eyes, rolling her neck to loosen the kinks. “Should we celebrate? Ice cream and a sarsaparilla?”

         Adam nodded, setting aside the book to follow Bev into his kitchen.

         “Before Nigel and Darko get home, I was hoping we could talk about the wedding.”

         Bev turned, holding the ice cream aloft, scoop in hand. “You OK? Not too stressed?”

         “I’m very stressed.” Adam wrapped his arms around himself, eyes down. “But it will make Nigel happy, and I like it when Nigel’s happy. Though it may have been a mistake to send Darko and Nigel to a cake tasting.”

         Bev nodded, placing a hand on Adam’s shoulder. “What can I do to help?”

         “Will you be my best woman?” At Bev’s confused expression, Adam continued. “Well, I asked Harlan to be my Best Man, but I’d like you to stand with me too. So I thought Best Woman, because you should be equal to Harlan, don’t you think?”

         “Just because Darko is in the wedding, you don’t have to make me Best Woman,” Bev said carefully. “I won’t be upset.”

         “You’re my friend. I want you with me.” Adam poured the sodas in frosted mugs. “Also, I would like you to keep the rings because Darko will lose them or throw them at Nigel before the day is over.”

         Bev laughed. “What should I wear?”

         “You could wear a suit, if you want to match with Darko. I think Nigel and Darko have already been to pick out their outfits. A dress would be OK too.”

         Bev bit her lip, then smiled, slinging an arm around Adam. She’d been eyeing a Valentino gown for a few months, now seemed like as good a time as any to break into her Fancy as Fuck Fund. “Let me see what I can work out.”

                                                  

* * *

         Nigel heard the crash in the kitchen and knew he’d fucked up. He’d worked a double shift on Wednesday so Luther could take a few days off to see his new grandson. When he got home, Adam was already at the library, studying. Nigel had been dead to the world, making himself a sandwich and eating it over the sink. He had grand plans of putting everything away and fixing dinner for Adam after a short nap, but 45 minutes of shut-eye had turned into 6 hours of exhausted REM sleep.

         Adam had come home to a kitchen filled with mustard smears and bread crumbs. Nigel winced when he heard a frustrated noise and another crash, the kid had been on edge for days and this was not going to make it better. He padded into the kitchen in time to see Adam slam the mustard and ham back into the fridge, slapping the door shut. The boy hunched over the sink, grabbing a sponge and working it over a congealed yellow stain.

         “Gorgeous, hey, I’m sorry-”

         “Why would you leave this for me to clean?” Adam continued scrubbing at the sink.

         “I meant to get it before you came home, I was just so fucking tired-”

         “I’m tired too, I don’t make you clean things,” Adam turned, dark circles prominent under his watery blue eyes. “We haven’t had dinner together in five days. You’re always asleep when I get home. I’ve been studying for weeks, and I have the GREs in three days and an interview at UCLA on the 17th. They’re going to think I’m weird, Nigel. They’re going to call me names and say I’d be bad for the class. And I’m going to fail and you’ll hate me because I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this, please.”

         Nigel grabbed for Adam, pulling him into a tight hug. He nosed along Adam’s ear, whispering soft little endearments, his hands rubbing firm circles in the trembling boy’s back.

         “My darling,” Nigel smiled into Adam’s curls when he felt the sponge the boy still clutched soak through his shirt. “What do you want?”

         “I want you to stop making messes.” Adam’s fist thumped gently on Nigel’s chest. “I want you to stop pushing me to do this. I want to go back to the way things were. I want- I don’t want to be mad at you for silly things. I don’t want you to think I’m exhausting. I don’t want you to leave me.”

         With a sigh, Nigel released Adam. He plucked the sponge from Cosmo’s fingers, setting it in the drying rack before bending to scoop the love of his life into his arms. He carried Adam into the bedroom and silently stripped him. Adam watched quietly, occasionally running his fingers through Nigel’s hair when the older man paused to press a kiss to an available patch of skin.

         One small shove and Adam fell across the bed, burrowing under the covers that already smelled of sleep and Nigel. He watched Nigel pull off his t-shirt and shuck his boxers, before lifting the covers in invitation. Adam moved into Nigel’s arms and made a content noise in his throat when Nigel made no move to grope or entice. Sometimes, it was nice just to be held. Once Adam was safely ensconced in a cocoon of warm muscle and soft blankets, he allowed himself to relax. A finger tipped his chin up, forcing Adam to meet Nigel’s soft amber eyes.

         “I will never, ever fucking leave you, Adam.” The fierceness of the words and the strong arms around him made Adam thrill. “Unless you fucking ask me to, gorgeous. Then, I’ll be the guy living in the cardboard box in the hallway, waiting for you to ask me fucking home.”

         Adam frowned.

         “Obstructing the hallway is a fire safety violation.” He drummed his fingers lightly on Nigel’s chest. “You should just go live with Mrs. Keller, she’ll take you in.”

         Nigel laughed, ducking his head to nip at Adam’s chin. The younger man smiled, Nigel always got his jokes.

         “Not afraid she’ll steal me away, huh?”

         “She might try, but I don’t think you’re interested.” Adam’s smile widened. “I was hoping she’d take you with her to water aerobics, it might help your knee the way it’s helped her hip.”

         “You’re an impossible little shit and I don’t know why I put up with you.”

         “I don’t know either,” Adam’s voice was barely audible, his fingers started nervously plucking at Nigel’s chest hair. The older man tightened his grip.

         “Because you put up with me, Cosmo.” Nigel sighed. “Even when I yell, even when I punched walls and threw things, you never gave up.”

         “I thought about it,” Adam said. “but you were very handsome and I liked seeing you.”

         “Good to fucking know, gorgeous.” Nigel stole a kiss. “I need to know something else: Are you anxious because of the work or because of the people you’ll have to deal with? Because if you feel like the work is too much, you can stop now and I won’t open my mouth again about it. But if you’re worried about asshole people, Cosmo, then I’m going to keep pushing you.”

         “I understand the work, I can do it.” Adam’s face tensed. “But what if I can’t handle the interactions? In college, no one wanted to work with me. I corrected the professors and my dad – everyone hated having me in class.”

         Nigel rolled his eyes and pressed another kiss to Adam’s nose.

         “What do you do on the third Wednesday of every month, Cosmo?”

         Adam’s brow furrowed. “It’s my bowling night. You know that.”

         Nigel huffed a small laugh. “Yeah I fucking do. Who do you bowl with?”

         “My coworkers.”

         “Exactly.” Nigel tapped Adam on the nose just to watch the boy frown at him. “You have fucking coworkers, and they like you, man. You go bowling with them, which is lame as fuck, but it’s cute they want you to go. Fuck, even my fucking coworkers like you, Cosmo.”

         “But we practiced until they liked me! You can’t practice with me for every person I meet in school!” Adam bit his lip. “My coworkers still think I’m weird, they just don’t mind.”

         “Of fucking course you’re weird!” Nigel smiled. “You’re the biggest fucking weirdo I’ve ever met - and I know fucking Darko. That’s what makes you special, Cosmo. Weird isn’t bad. Bev likes poking dead people. Darko asked for a fucking Wilton piping set for his birthday, whatever the fuck that means. I grew up with a mother who used me as a fucking ashtray and I hit people for a living until I met you. No one we fucking know is normal.”

         “People don’t always respond to me the way you, Darko and Bev do, you know that.”

         “Yeah, well, fuck them.” Nigel took Adam’s chin in his hand. “You deserve this, Adam. And you’re right, some people won’t like you, because some people are pieces of shit. It’s fine, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to fucking school. It just means your fucking scary husband is going to knock all their goddamn teeth out.”

         Adam lay quiet for a moment, fingers still worrying at the hair on Nigel’s chest. When he looked up, he set his jaw. “I deserve this.”

         Nigel nodded. “Plus, I really want to be married to a doctor, Constanța would be so fucking proud.”

         Adam laughed. “Ok, for Constanța.”

         Nigel wrapped himself tighter around Adam. “Good, that’s fucking settled. Now take a nap with me and then we can make dinner. If you feel like it, I’ll suck your cock before bed.”

                                                  

* * *

         “Why are we doing this again?” Bev turned to Darko, eyebrow raised. When he asked her to take the day off, she’d been excited. Now, as she looked over approved catering lists and price points in the Smithsonian events book, she couldn’t help but feel tricked.

         “Because when I took Nigel to Taglyan to look around, he called the manager a _cunt_ and nearly started a brawl.” Darko sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I would just go with Cosmo, but he’s so stressed I think one more wedding planning thing would trigger a fucking freak-out. He said he’d trust your judgment.”

         “Mine?”

         “Yeah, he said you should make the decisions and I should go to keep you company,” Darko scowled at the memory. “Why the fuck does everyone think I have shit taste?”

         Bev gave him a thoughtful look, touching her hand to her chin. “Probably because they’ve seen your shiny shirts or the pinky ring.”

         Darko glared at her, thrusting a finger in her face. “YOU DO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BLACK SATIN SHIRT!”

         “I’m going to have to ask you to stop making baseless accusations or I’ll have to call my attorney.”

         Darko rolled his eyes and brought his attention back to the catalog. He tapped his finger on the photo of the Natural history museum’s grand foyer.

         “So what do you think? They could get married in front of dinosaurs.”

         Bev made a face.

         “Is that really them?”

         “It’s science-y shit and I’m tired,” Darko huffed. “This is the fourth fucking venue we’ve looked at.”

         “I know, but I feel like there should be stars.” Bev typed into her phone, scrolling through pictures. “You’re sure the observatory can’t get them in?”

         “Booked through next year. You want to tell Nigel that he has to wait a year?”

         Bev wasn’t paying attention, still scrolling.

         “Hello?”

         Bev looked up, smiling. “How about a wedding under the stars with a few attractions for the non-space nerds?”  

         She held out her phone. Darko grabbed it.

         “IS THAT A FUCKING FERRIS WHEEL? Fuck this history shit, let’s go there!”

* * *

         Bev opened the door, to find Nigel leaning on her doorjamb, holding a six pack.

         “Darko gone?”

         “Good to see you too.” Bev smiled, ushering Nigel into her apartment. “He left about 30 minutes ago to take Adam to the tailor. Why couldn’t you do that, again?”

         “Because it’s bad fucking luck for us to see each other’s outfits. Don’t you know anything?”

         Bev blinked, smirking. “Fair enough. I’m sure you look very pretty in your dress, though.”

         “Fuck off.” Nigel flipped Bev off before flopping on the couch. He sat up when he noticed a small package in Bev’s hands. “Is that it?”

         “Yup.” Bev held out a carefully wrapped square. “Jimmy finally got it and overnighted it to me. And this would technically be quantified as misappropriation of FBI Academy resources, so…”

         “So this is a big fucking ask, thank you.” Nigel unwrapped the package and smiled at the jagged piece of silicon blended quartz dust – a heat shield tile from the Discovery space shuttle. NASA only sold them to academic institutions, but FBI Academy guest lecturer Jimmy Price had qualified. “What did you have to pay your friend?”

          “Well, he and Adam apparently rule the deep space discussion board on Reddit, so he was happy to do it. He said if I want to pay him, I should send nudes of Phil,” Bev said, waving a hand dismissively. “But I think I can get him down to a few shirtless candids, maybe a boxer brief pic.”

         Nigel held out his hand. “Give me your fucking phone, I’ll send him a cock shot right now, Adam won’t care.”

         Bev quirked an eyebrow – not a bad offer really – before sighing and shaking her head. “Probably shouldn’t. Phil would care if that was on my phone. Buy me some beer and we’ll call it even. Like, actual good beer, not that fucking dishwater stout you and Phil drink.”

         Bev poked the six pack with her foot. Nigel sneered at her and went back to studying the tile. Bev leaned over his shoulder, prodding at the shield.

         “So they can really make a ring out of that?”

         “Eddie’s fence, uh…jeweler seems to think so.”

         Bev held up a hand. “I don’t want to know.”

         “No gorgeous, you probably don’t.” Nigel sat the tile on the coffee table and grinned. “So, you ready for the game?”

         Bev smiled, standing to model her new jersey. “I have it DVR’ed. Faceti loc vin cainii rosii!” 

         Nigel laughed. “You watched the fucking video I sent?”

         “Of course! I got all my cheers down. Now I just have to drink enough beer to make soccer interesting.”

         Nigel threw a pillow at her.

                                                          

* * *

         Darko sighed and turned. “You’ve been staring at the back of my fucking head for an hour. WHAT?”

         Nigel opened his mouth, then closed it. He looked down at his hands. “You’re going to give me shit.”

         “Probably.”

         “Fuck you, you fuck!”

         Darko spun in his chair, facing Nigel. “Nenorocitule, I walked in on Adam making you into a goddamn sock puppet with his hand jammed up your ass. The next day, you came into the office, sat down, complained your ass hurt and asked if there were doughnuts. What the fuck could you possibly be shy over after that?”

         “You gave me shit for like three months over that!”

         “You’re goddamn right I did.” Darko grabbed a pen off his desk and sailed it at Nigel’s head. “You fucker, I practically had to go on a vision quest to get that shit out of my head. I still think about it sometimes…”

         Darko looked off into space, face vaguely haunted.

         “Sometimes at night when I close my eyes, I can still hear the screams.”

         “They were your screams!”

         “Goddamn right they were. What other reaction was I supposed to have to witnessing my friend being turned into a sexual fucking muppet?”

         Nigel glared. “Never mind.”

         Darko rolled his eyes. “Is this big embarrassing news about your cock? Adam’s cock?”

         “No.”

         “Then fucking tell me already, I have a schedule to fucking finalize.”

         “I want to change my name.”

         “Great fucking idea! I’m thinking Asshole Balaur has a certain ring to it.” Nigel flipped him off, Darko brought his hand to his chin, pretending to think. “Maybe Fuckface Balaur, or go whole hog and change the whole name to something snappy like Twatty Twatterson. Does Adam have any suggestions?”

         Nigel frowned at his hands, ripping at a hangnail on his thumb. When he spoke, his voice was low and soft. “He seemed ok with Nigel Raki when I suggested it.”

         Darko’s mouth dropped open, his teasing grin falling from his face. “I-, you’re fucking serious?”

         Nigel looked up, eyes solemn, nodding once. “I’m never going to hear the end of it, am I?”

         Darko chewed on his lip for a moment. “Any person who wants to keep their fucking job here will keep their fucking mouth shut.”

         “They’ll still fucking talk.”

         Darko snorted, kicking his leg out to shove Nigel’s thigh. “And what? You’re too old and frail to bloody your fucking knuckles? Remember when you first started with Gustaf? Balaur the Ballsucker? That lasted a week before you had knocked the teeth out of everyone who said it. Then no one cared what you did with your cock.”

         Nigel smiled. “I wouldn’t mind a couple good beatings, it’s good to get the blood up at our age.”

         “There you fucking go, I’ll get the paperwork together to change you on the company charter and payroll.” Darko paused, a huge grin spreading over his face. He stood, moving to throw an arm around Nigel’s shoulders and press their foreheads together. “Nigel Raki, huh?”

         “Yeah.” Nigel returned his smile, head butting Darko lightly.

         “Nigel fucking Raki.” Darko moved back, eyes still crinkled in mirth. “I like it.”  

         “Me too,” Nigel huffed out a laugh. “Sure as fuck is better than Darko Katz.”

         Darko shot Nigel an outraged expression, slapping his hand over his heart. “Darko Katz is a perfectly lovely fucking name!”

         “It sounds like some weird name for a black cat.” Nigel made a face. “Phil Katz is worse, sounds like you’re stuffing them.”

         Darko made a disgruntled noise and shoved Nigel out of his seat. Nigel kicked out, taking Darko’s legs out from under him. When Ralph opened the door at the noise, he found both men wrestling on the floor, laughing and shouting about cats. He stepped back, closing the door quietly behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's interested in the cheers, Bev is learning, here's the link to the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPXuBRL_6fo


	17. You Have the Right to Remain Sexy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph helps Nigel and Darko learn a new skill. Bachelor parties are had.

Darko punched Nigel’s shoulder hard, scowling.

         “You step on my fucking foot one more time, nenorocitule and I will fucking kill you.”

         Nigel shoved Darko, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “I wouldn’t step on your fucking foot if you weren’t late on your fucking steps!”

         “I’M NOT LATE, YOU’RE FUCKING RUSHING!”

         “YOU’VE GOT NO FUCKING RHTHYM AND YOU DANCE LIKE A CUNT!”

         “Actually,” Ralph looked up from his computer. “You’re both off rhythm. And your frame is all wrong.”

         “Shut the fuck up!” Nigel paused the iTunes player and glowered at the room. There weren’t enough red balloons in the world for this shit.

         Darko moved to sit on the corner of Ralph’s desk, lifting his trampled foot to rub away the ache. “You dance?”

         Ralph shrugged. “Chantelle wanted to learn. Took a few classes.”

         “Then why didn’t you say something before that fat fucker broke every one of my toes?”

         “No one asked.”

         Darko strung together a few phrases of Romanian about one-eyed assholes who needed to respect their bosses. Ralph waited patiently for the fit to be over.

         “Well, new assignment, Ralph,” Darko huffed, gesturing to Nigel who flipped Darko off with both hands. “You teach the stomping wonder over there the box step while I find some ice for my feet and review the payroll reports.”  

         Ralph nodded, before pausing. “You sure you don’t want me to help with your timing too? I can get you on beat.”

         Darko’s jaw ticked, he pointed silently at Nigel. Ralph moved.

         “Ok, first, let’s get your frame right,” Ralph stepped into Nigel’s space and pulled them together. The Romanian’s eyes went wide and he shot a bewildered glance toward Darko, who held up his phone, filming as Ralph prodded and adjusted Nigel’s arms. “See? You want to provide support for Cosmo, but allow him space to move. Ready? We’re going to go to your right…”

* * *

         Nigel spun Darko out and rolled his eyes when the fucking ham did a lavish arm extension before spinning back. “You’re a fucking moron.”

         “You’ve got no fucking sense of artistry.”

         “You’re forgetting your frame, guys! Posture! Posture!”

         Both men straightened up and continued the box step. Ralph sat across the room, back firmly on the office door in case anyone wondered why the bosses were thumping around and cursing. Two months of careful practice and Darko barely had to ice his feet anymore. Sure, Nigel still murmured the count as he danced, but at least Cosmo’s feet should be safe. There were rumors throughout the office that some weird fight club had started in the head office, and Darko did little to discourage them. He really didn’t need anyone but Ralph seeing him fall into Nigel’s embrace for a dip, though Bev had begged for video footage on more than one occasion.

         “Darko! Head up, man, make the connection with Nigel.”

         “I can still fucking fire you, Ralph.”

         Nigel pulled Darko upright and danced him further away from Ralph. He raised an eyebrow and lowered. “Should we ask him about the other dance?”

         “Fuck no!” Darko hissed. “No one sees that.”

         “You’re right,” Nigel conceded, casting a glance at Ralph. “But we need to rehearse that later.”

         “Fine. I’ll tell Bev I’m working late.”

         Nigel spun Darko one more time before the music ended. Ralph smiled and clapped.

         “Pretty fucking good. Nigel, you’re extensions are so much better. Let’s do it again and this time Darko can practice leading.”

         “I thought I was leading?”

         Ralph sighed and rubbed his temples.

                                                  

* * *

         Adam settled onto the couch, handing Bev a frosted mug of sarsaparilla and a bowl of ice cream.

         “Thanks!” Adam wore his favorite pajamas, the soft cotton set with NASA logos on them. Bev settled next to him in jeans and an old FBI t-shirt. She started flipping through the _Cosmos_ blu-ray. “What episode do you think?”

         “A Sky Full of Ghosts!”

         Bev pursed her lips. “I would have gone The Clean Room, but hey, this is your bachelor party.”

         “This isn’t a bachelor party, it’s a fucking slumber party,” Darko grumbled, pacing behind the sofa.

         “Don’t be jealous because you and Nigel decided to go to a boring strip club.” Bev thumped Darko on the thigh with the blu-ray case. “We’re going to have an awesome time.”

         Adam nodded. “I want a quiet, enjoyable night, Harlan and your mother will be here soon. And you know my stress level is already high.”

         “I can think of a way to get rid of fucking stress, gorgeous.” Nigel came out of the bedroom in a tight black button-down and well-worn jeans. Adam’s attention immediately focused on him, making the older man smile. Adam stood, holding out a stack of crisp ones.

         “I got these for you. There should be enough for a few lap dances. Don’t try to make it rain or you’ll lose the money.”

         Nigel kissed Adam, tucking him to his chest. “You’re the best fucking fiancé, you know that?”

         “How come you’re not giving me ones for the strip club?” Darko asked, turning to Bev.

         “If you want to pay girls to pretend they think you’re cute, you’ll be doing it with your money, not mine.”

         Darko clutched his chest, face wincing in mock pain. He leaned close to Bev, smiling. “And what if they think I’m cute for real?”

         “Talk to them for a minute, they’ll get over it.”

         Darko stole a kiss, eyes dancing. “So beautiful, so fucking mean.”

         Bev kissed him again before shoving his face away. “Go watch your glitter girls, Dorko.”

         Darko stood. “What do you say, fucker? Ready for some actual fun?”

         Adam stepped back and put a firm hand on Nigel’s chest.

         “Remember to respect the dancers and not to touch them because that makes them uncomfortable and could make them feel unsafe in their work environment. Also, please try to call them by the name they give you, so you don’t demean them. Don’t call anyone but Darko a _cunt_ , even if they deserve it. No fighting. No drugs, but if you want a cigarette, that’s ok. Just please brush your teeth before you kiss me.” Adam kissed Nigel’s cheek. “And try to come home before bedtime, you look very handsome and I’d like to have sex.”

         Nigel caught Adam for a proper kiss. “Will fucking do, Cosmo.”

         Darko made a face before grabbing Nigel and dragging him out the door.

                                                  

* * *

“This is stupid. Why do I let you talk me into shit?” Darko passed a half full bottle of palinca back to Nigel. It had been a while since he had guzzled so much so fast and he was already feeling a little woozy. Nigel had downed more than Darko and was now visibly swaying.

          _When had they become such fucking lightweights?_

“They’re going to fucking love it. We practiced. It’ll be fine.” Nigel drained more of the bottle, hissing slightly when he came up for air. “We finish this, we’ll be fucking ready.”

         “Fuck, I hope so.” Darko snatched the bottle back, taking a long pull.

         A knock made both men jump.

         “Nigel, honey? I made you and your friend some lemon sandies,” Mrs. Keller walked in holding a plate of cookies. “Oh! Don’t you both look precious! Are you going to a costume party?”

         “Yes ma’am,” Nigel said with a bright smile. “Just have to pick up Adam first. Uh, our costumes are a surprise.”

         “Oh, that’s nice. Did you get my RSVP for the wedding?”

         “We did. Adam wanted you to know that you can bring Myrtle and Lucille along if you’d like.”

         Mrs. Keller reached up and kissed Nigel’s cheek, handing him the cookies. “Thank you, dear. Have fun at the party.”

         Darko was halfway through the cookie platter by the time Mrs. Keller left. “These are fucking good! My old lady neighbor is a bitch who thumps on the walls whenever Bev and I fuck.”

                                                  

* * *

Bev and Adam both jumped when the banging started. Loud, resonating thumps that shook the door. Bev almost suggested calling the cops, but then she heard the giggling and muttered Romanian.

         Adam turned, confused. “They’ve only been gone 30 minutes, did they get kicked out of the club already?”

         Bev shrugged.

         “OPEN UP! POLICE!”

          _Darko._ Bev crinkled her nose, she had a terrible feeling she knew what was coming.

“YEAH, IT’S THE FUCKING FUZZ! DON’T MAKE US KNOCK THIS DOOR DOWN.”

          _Nigel._ Bev risked a glance at Adam, who sighed and got up. Bev followed him to the door.

         Nigel and Darko bracketed the doorway in tight blue police uniforms, hats pulled low over their eyes. They would have made an intimidating pair if they could stop snickering and smacking each other. Darko clutched a bottle in his hand, the liquid sloshing violently as he teetered.

         “Nigel? Why didn’t you use your key? Or Darko’s?” Adam ushered them into the living room. He plucked at the sleeved of Nigel’s uniform. “It is illegal to impersonate a police officer, Nigel. And you stole a uniform that doesn’t fit.”

         Bev squinted at Darko’s chest. “Adam, these aren’t real uniforms. Unless Officer Wrist-slap here actually does work for the _Los Angeles Panty Department_.”

         Adam’s eyes widened in realization before he beamed. “OH, you’re strippers!”

         Nigel smiled, pushing Adam gently onto the sofa. “We’ve been called because we heard a bachelor party was getting wild. I’m afraid you’re under arrest, gorgeous.”

         Nigel dangled a costume pair of cuffs before Adam’s eyes.

         “That doesn’t make any sense, Nigel. Why would we be under arrest for watching television and eating ice cream?”

         Darko sighed and Nigel shoved him. “Darling, it’s part of the act. Just go with it, like role playing.”

         “Oh, ok.” Adam turned to Bev, his face giving a reasonable impression of fear, wide eyes and an open mouth. “OH NO, BEVERLY, WE ARE UNDER ARREST. I’M SORRY OFFICER…NASTY, IS THERE ANY WAY WE CAN GET OUT OF THIS?”

         Adam’s voice came out stilted and robotic, the way that it always did when he first practiced new role or social interaction. Bev and Darko laughed, Nigel paused to run a fond hand along Adam’s jaw.

         “You know, we have better quality handcuffs in the bedroom. Do you want me to get those?”

         “UGH,” groaned Darko. “I knew this was gonna get weird.”

         “Shut up and just keep going.”

         Darko rolled his eyes and took a few unsteady steps toward Bev. He loomed over her. “You have the right to remain sexy!”

         Darko’s tongue caught on the _S_ making him slur the phrase. ****

         “Uh, have you been drinking tonight, officers?” Bev asked raising an eyebrow.

         Darko and Nigel glanced at each other and snorted. Darko set the bottle on the table behind him.  

         “What the fuck kind of stripper doesn’t get a little drunk before they perform?” Asked Nigel. Darko nodded and tried to lean on Nigel’s shoulder, missing it and barely catching himself on the coffee table.

         “Professional ones.” Bev looked at Adam before shaking her head.

         “We’re not that drunk! We’ve got our moves down!” Darko whined, Nigel bobbed his head emphatically. “Check it out.”

         Nigel picked up the remote to their iHome, blaring _You Can Leave Your Hat On_. Darko and Nigel shimmied their shoulders and hips – nowhere near the actual beat of the song – ripping their shits open while winking. Cosmo clapped, utterly delighted. Bev laughed, throwing a hand over her eyes. Nigel decided to keep shimmying, soaking up the attention from his Cosmo, not noticing that Darko had already moved on to the next piece of choreography.

         Turning on his heel, Darko worked open the clasp of his belt as he rotated. Taking one stumbling step to stop the spin, Darko caught Bev’s eye and attempted a smolder. Now staring at him from between her fingers, Bev was near breathless with laughter. Darko gripped his belt buckle and yanked, tugging the leather free in one quick pull.

         The belt soared in the air, whipping the still shimmying Nigel across the face.

         Nigel dropped to the ground like a sack of drunken potatoes. Adam sprung from the sofa and onto Nigel, hands seeking any damage to his face. Bev froze, mouth forming a perfect _O._

         “SEE?” Slurred Darko. “You’re always fucking late!”

         “YOU FUCK YOU BLINDED ME WITH YOUR SHIT DANCING.”

         “It’s fine!” Adam declared, popping up from Nigel’s face. “Just a welt. But I think maybe you two shouldn’t dance together.”

         “That’s a good call.” Bev ran a hand through her hair. “Why don’t you and Nigel go back to the bedroom, maybe get a lap dance or something?”

         “I think Nigel should probably stop dancing.”

         “That’s what Ralph said,” Darko agreed.

         “FUCK YOU, NENOROCITULE. I can dance when I’m not being beaten with a belt!”

         “I’m sure you can,” Adam patted Nigel’s cheek, mindful of the angry red stripe across his left eye. “Why don’t you come back to the bedroom and show me?”

         “Yeah, ok,” Nigel was still pouting, but he let Adam pull him up and lead him away. “It was Darko’s fault, I was doing just fine.”

         “You were,” Adam assured. “I’m very aroused.”

                                                 

* * *

         Adam tugged Nigel into their bedroom. The older man was still rubbing the purpling mark across his eye, muttering in Romanian.

         Adam slipped his hands over Nigel’s shoulders, pushing at the edges of the open uniform shirt. “Nigel? Help me get this off you, I think you should sleep.”

         Nigel smirked. “You want me out of it, darling? I’ll get me out of it for you to watch me get out of…Fuck it, just sit there.”

         With a push, Nigel sent Adam back to the mattress and resumed his routine. There was no music to help him, so Nigel started to hum, yanking off his belt and tossing it to Adam. Neatly coiling the belt and laying it on the nightstand, Adam laughed and tried to clap along to Nigel’s off-key version of the song.

         “Here’s the big move, gorgeous, watch!”

         Adam nodded, smiling lopsidedly as Nigel gripped the waist of his pants and yanked. The material tore away – mostly, leaving Nigel in a pair of tight, sparkling navy briefs.

         “Nigel-” Adam pointed to the pants, still partially affixed to Nigel’s ankles.

         “You want it baby? You can touch this strip-”

         Nigel took one drunken step, tangled hopelessly in the pants and fell face first in Adam’s lap.

         “Fuck it, this works.” Nigel started to pull at Adam’s pants, but long nimble fingers stopped him.

         “You are too drunk to do this.”

         “Grogeous I’m n-”

         “Too drunk to say _gorgeous_ , too drunk for sex,” Adam declared.

         With a huff, Nigel shifted, flopping on his ass next to the bed. “But you wanted to have sex.”

         “I still will in the morning.”

         “This was supposed to be sexy.”

         “I think you were sexier in the black shirt,” Adam said, dropping to his knees and pulling at the tear-away fabric around Nigel’s ankles. “In the morning, put that back on and strip for me, then we’ll have sex.”

         “Ok,” Nigel was nodding, listing to the side. “In the morning, after I puke.”

         “Yes, after you puke.”

                                                  

* * *

         “Jesus, what’s in this stuff?” Bev said, sniffing the bottle of palinca. When Darko tried to take it, she smacked his hand and took another swig. The police hat, which had made its way to Bev’s head, tipped back as she extended her neck and upended the bottle. “Whoa.”

         “It’s like brandy, Romanian style.” Darko grabbed the palinca for a swig.

         “Am I going to be blind in the morning?” Bev wrestled the bottle away and took another long pull.

         “You keep drinking like that, you might be.”

         “You going to arrest me, officer? For being drunk in public?” Bev batted her eyes and giggled.

         Darko raised an eyebrow, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Bev took the chance to snatch the bottle back and kill it. “Maybe. Are you going to struggle, Dr. Katz? Don’t make me use these.”

         Darko tugged the toy cuffs off his belt and swung them on his finger. Bev cocked her head.

         “Do you know how to use those? Because I do.”

         Bev pounced, grappling with Darko for the cuffs. He let her win easily, grinning as she rolled him and secured his wrists behind his back. He tugged at the cuffs, they were frail, thin metal that could break if he wasn’t careful. Bev yanked at his shoulder, sprawling him across the couch on his back.

         “You’re under arrest, Dalca.” Darko had heard that phrase a handful of times in his life, but this was the first time it ever made his dick fill. For a moment, Bev lost her smirk and touched his arm. “You OK? No pinching or pain?”

         Darko tilted his head, mouth in a little moue. “I mean, I’m not thrilled I was overpowered by a teeny woman, but I’m learning to enjoy it.”

         “Are you?” Bev leaned forward, straddling Darko and pressing a hand to the middle of his chest. “That’s good, because I think I’m going to have to strip search you.”

         Darko offered Bev a huge grin as she traced her hands down his chest and over his sides. She skimmed to his hips, removing a toy gun from its holster and holding it aloft. When her fingers glanced over his fly, Darko grunted and bucked up.

         “So,” Bev’s voice was laced with amusement. “There’s a gun in your pocket AND you’re happy to see me?”

         Darko rolled his eyes, but leaned up to kiss her when Bev moved forward. She teased him, fleeting pecks that forced him to cant his head and chase her mouth. A frustrated noise escapes his throat, his stomach muscles burning from holding him upright.

         “Easy big guy,” she whispered, settling on his lap and pushing him down. The next kiss was deep and slow, Bev’s hands kneading Darko’s pecs as she rocked over his thickening cock. She caught his bottom lip with her teeth, tugging lightly before pulling back. Soft hands slid over his cheeks, soothing Darko and holding him still. Her eyes shifted toward Adam and Nigel’s bedroom. “You have the right to remain silent. The question is: Can you remain silent?”

         He sucked his lips into his mouth and bit them, nodding. Bev hummed, dropping her head to nip at his jaw and lave a trail from Darko’s neck to his belly button. Straining his neck as he writhed, Darko fought to remain silent.

         Bev raised her head to smile at Darko as she slipped her hands beneath the waistband of his pants and tugged. The sound of Velcro ripping filled the room and both froze. Bev waited a ten-count, eyes on the hallway that led to the bedroom, before she looked at Darko, shrugged and shimmied lower.

         On her knees between Darko’s legs, she ran a finger along the sparkly navy briefs, making sure to traverse the straining material in the front. She snapped the elastic once, watching Darko flinch even as his restrained cock twitched. Bev raised an eyebrow and repeated the motion, smiling broadly when Darko couldn’t hold back a small moan.

         She pressed her mouth to his clothed cock, her tongue rolling along the shaft. Darko’s abs bunched as he tried to move closer to her mouth, arms straining to stay in place. Bev sealed her lips over the head, sucking lightly through the already wet material. Darko whined, his breath heaving in and out of his chest. Raising her head, Bev replaced her mouth with her hand, gently cupping the slick cloth and stroking him through it.

         “Lift up for me, Phil.”

         Darko obeyed immediately, thrusting his hips into the air and making a small grateful noise when Bev slowly pulled the briefs off his legs. He hissed when the air hit his cock, but he lost interest in the air temperature when he saw Bev wiggle out of her jeans and panties. He raised an eyebrow when she settled back between his legs.

         “Shirt stays on, I’m not getting caught naked in their living room.”

         “I’m naked!” Darko hissed.

         “You want me to stop?” Darko’s mouth fell open, he looked torn.

         “Fuck it, they’ve seen me naked before.”

         Bev’s lips twitched, a ghost of a smile before she licked a stripe up his cock and shut down Darko’s higher brain functions. Taking the tip in her mouth, she sucked gently at his foreskin before pushing it down to tongue at his slit. Darko’s muscles were rippling with tension as he tried to keep still. He let out a small cry as Bev took him down, the tip of his cock breaching her throat and making him see stars. She worked him hard for a few minutes, until his whole body was trembling.

         She slid off him with a pop, smoothing a soothing hand over his stomach. Darko’s breath hitched as he swallowed a cry of disappointment. She waited, catching her breath and lazily sliding her fingers up and down his cock. It was a maddening tease, but it helped him back away from the edge.

         After a few minutes of blissful torture, Bev moved, bending down to rummage through her bag. Returning with a condom and a wide smile, Darko felt his heart flutter – he would never love anyone as much as he loved this woman. She rolled on the condom and sank onto Darko’s shaft with practiced grace, taking a moment to savor the sensation before she started to move.

         She rocked her hips a few times, riding him lazily as he fell apart beneath her. She began arching her back, holding onto Darko’s calves as she moved. Bev’s eyes slipped closed, her mouth falling open slightly at the new angle. Suddenly, the idea of not touching Bev was impossible, Darko yanked at the cuffs, feeling the cheap metal give with every jerk of his wrists.

         On the fourth try, the flimsy metal chain gave, freeing Darko to grab Bev’s hips and thrust up harder. Bev’s head snapped up, eyes open. She looked down at him, breathless and smiling.

         “Did you just snap the… _FUCK_ that’s hot.”

         Darko smiled at the praise, sliding one hand under her shirt to thumb her nipple. Bev shivered as the cool metal from the cuff glided up her stomach. Darko’s other hand slipped forward, gently rubbing at her clit as she rocked. Bev lurched forward at the new friction, sealing their mouths together to keep their keening to a minimum.

         They stayed together, breathing into each other’s mouths as the sensations built. When Bev came, it was with a high pitched wail caught in her throat and Darko’s hand stroking her through the sensations. He followed her, letting her pulsing body pull the orgasm from him. She collapsed forward, content to lay on his chest and soak in the heat he was radiating.

         When their breathing had calmed, she moved, letting him pad toward the kitchen to get rid of the condom. He returned to the couch, bone tired and thoroughly blissed out, to find Bev dozing. He poked her softly.

         “Should we go?”

         “I’m still pretty drunk, can you drive?”

         “Maybe? Probably shouldn’t.”

         Bev looked up, eyes sleepy. “Let’s just take a nap for an hour and then go.”

         Darko settled onto the couch, pulling at Bev until she was sprawled on top of him. “Ok, we leave in an hour.”

         She nodded into his chest, already asleep.

* * *

         A man’s voice swearing in Romanian and poking him with a foot finally brought Darko back to consciousness. His face was stuck to the leather sofa cushion, a warm weight on top of him. His limbs ached, muscles cramping after a night of drinking and sleeping wedged on a couch.

         When he finally cracked an eye, Nigel was standing above him with his hands on his hips and a pair of sparkling navy briefs barely covering him.

         “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”

         “Why the fuck are you naked?” Darko groggily swatted at Nigel’s foot, glaring.

         “Why the fuck are you naked, nenorocitule? I’m in my fucking apartment!” Nigel’s eyes weren’t focused on him, and Darko’s brain slowly processed that whatever was on top of him was snoring. He followed Nigel’s eyes directly to Bev’s bare ass and frantically grabbed a pillow to cover her.

         “Hey! CLOSE YOUR EYES!”

         Nigel laughed. “To be fair, she’s mooning me.”

         Bev lifted her head, eyes barely cracked. “We going home?”

         “I am home, gorgeous,” Nigel said, causing Bev’s head to snap up. “I don’t know where the fuck you’re going.”

         Darko scrambled to get up, his stomach protesting the rapid movements bitterly. He took a minute, focusing on breathing through his nose. Bev pulled herself upright, shifting the pillow for maximum coverage as she moved.

         “Neither of us set an alarm, did we?” Bev ran a hand through her hair and winced at the sunlight. “Morning, Nigel.”

         “Morning. Nice ass.”

         Bev blinked, looked at Darko, and shrugged. “Thanks, Darko seems to like it.”

         Darko gaped at her.

         “Don’t make faces at me with your dick out, I’m hungover,” Bev snarled. Darko turned in search of clothing. Bev heard a jangle and realized the broken cuffs were still on his wrists. “Besides, we’ve all seen each other naked now, so we’ll be friends forever.”

         “I haven’t seen you naked.” Adam padded into the room, still wearing his NASA pajamas. He walked past Nigel and Darko to pick up Bev’s jeans and hand them to her. “But it’s ok, you don’t have to show me unless you want to. I won’t feel left out.”

         “That’s why you’re my favorite,” Bev said, offering Adam a pained smile as she took the jeans. “Thanks, Adam.”

         “I’ll make coffee and some toast.” Adam said, before toeing the scrap of cloth that used to be Darko’s police trousers. “Nigel? Go get Darko a pair of pants, he’ll never get those tear-away ones back together.”

         Nigel opened his mouth to protest, but sighed, retreating to the bedroom. Bev took the opportunity to pull on her jeans. She was buttoning them up when Darko was hit in the face with a pair of black Adidas track pants and a white undershirt.

         “Fucking wash those before you give them back to me,” Nigel grumbled. “It’s bad enough I know you’re rubbing your cock all over the inside.”

         Darko rolled his eyes and hopped into the pants, cuffs clanging with every movement. Nigel looked at Bev and raised an eyebrow. He looked impressed.

         Bev shrugged and wandered into the kitchen, the smell of coffee already settling her lurching stomach.

         “So…uh, this is awkward, but um…do you…” Bev shook her head, forcing her brain to form sentences. “Do you have any wipes or anything you want me to use to clean up the sofa?”

         Adam studied her for a moment before the penny dropped. “Oh, don’t feel bad, we have sex on that couch all the time. Nigel knows where the leather cleaner is, he won’t mind going over the couch later.”

         “Yes I fucking will!”

         Darko came in and pressed an absent kiss to Bev’s head as he stumbled toward the coffeemaker in Nigel’s pants. Bev opened her mouth to offer to clean again, but Adam patted her on the shoulder. “He’ll grumble, but he’ll do it. It’s rude to make a guest clean. Although, you should take care of that before you leave.”  

         “What?”

          Adam pointed toward her feet. “Just thought you should know you’ve got panties stuck to your leg.”

Bev looked down and saw Darko’s speedo crusted to the leg of her jeans. She met Darko’s eyes for a heartbeat before they fell on each other laughing.


	18. Meet the Fucking Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nigel wants to kill Harlan. Harlan wants to kill Nigel. Will Constanța make things better or worse?

         Nigel was running out of red fucking balloons. He’d been filling them since the moment he and Adam had picked Harlan up at LAX.

         “I’m just saying, marriage as a concept is on its way out.” Harlan leaned against the kitchen counter, watching Bev and Adam decorate a welcome cake for Constanța. Nigel hunched over security plans, pressing a little harder with his red wax pencil. “No need to get married in this day and age. Hell, Nigel’s proof it usually doesn’t work out.”

         The tip of Nigel’s pencil snapped. Bev cast a glance over her shoulder at Nigel, offering a sympathetic smile. “I don’t know, I want to get married someday. The only problem I can see with a wedding is nosy relatives causing unnecessary drama.”

         Harlan glared at her, but Adam looked up with a smile. “It would be difficult if family members weren’t supportive. I don’t particularly care for the concept of marriage beyond the fiduciary benefits that are intrinsic in the system, but it’s important to Nigel.”

         Nigel felt his stomach churn as he hunted for a new pencil in his briefcase.

         “But if it’s not even important to you-”

         “Nigel’s important to me, Harlan.” Adam turned and flashed a brilliant smile over his shoulder, offering a little wave. “It’s important to me that he’s happy and it’s important to him that I’m happy.”

         Bev hip checked Adam with a wink. “You two are already basically the best married couple I know – no matter what any big mouthed idiot has to say.”

         Adam looked at her, confused. Harlan huffed in annoyance. Nigel could have kissed Bev.

         “Who would say anything bad about us getting married?”

         “Just some jerk. Especially saying anything this close to the wedding” Bev said, voice dripping with annoyance. Adam tensed slightly, sensing something was wrong. Bev shook her head, pulling out her brightest smile. “Do you think that’s enough rosettes for the cake?”

         Adam studied the mauve frosting. “One more there to make it symmetrical, please. You’re almost as good as Darko!”

         “Thanks!” Bev preened. “It’s a lot easier to make these damn things when you’re surface isn’t breathing or complaining you’re not holding the tip properly.”

         Nigel laughed.

                                                  

* * *

         Nigel heard Constanța before he saw her. Excited Romanian chattering filtering through from the hallway as she and Darko approached. Harlan and Adam both looked a bit frightened as the noise got closer, both tentatively stepping toward the door. Nigel stood, he needed one of Constanța’s hugs to keep from killing the stupid old man who was staying with them.

         Bev remained by the sink, she took a deep breath and passed a slightly shaking hand over her hair. Nigel slung an arm around Bev’s shoulders.

         “She’ll love you more than he fucking does,” he whispered into Bev’s hair, leading her into the living room. Bev offered him a tentative smile and let him steer her.

         The door flew open and Constanța rushed in, trailed by Darko who was huffing under the weight of four bags.

         “Adam! I recognize you from the computer!” She moved toward him arms outstretched. Adam tensed. “Oh! That’s right, I’m not to hug you, am I?”

         Adam kept his eyes down. “No. I find physical intimacy with strangers uncomfortable.”

         “May I shake your hand?”

         Adam nodded, a small smile curling his lips. “That would be OK.”

         Constanța took Adam’s proffered hand in both of hers. “I’m so happy to meet you.”

         “It’s nice to meet you too. I promise to keep my clothes on while you’re here.” Nigel and Constanța laughed, Harlan made a high pitched noise. “Oh, Constanța this is Harlan, Harlan this is Darko’s mother.”

         “Well I can certainly see where Darko gets his eyes from,” Harlan said as he took her hand. Constanța blushed and offered him a blinding smile.

         “Oh, don’t you flatter me,” she said. “I know all about the dangers of charming American men!”

         Nigel sneered.

         “Now, where’s my other boy? Nigel! I’ve missed-” Constanța gasped, immediately walking past Nigel to Beverly, who had been trying her best to hide behind Nigel’s shoulder. “Beverly?”

         “Yes,” Bev’s voice sounded a little high, she looked at Darko with slightly wild eyes. She held out a hand. “It’s nice to meet-”

         Constanța yanked her into a fierce hug, murmuring to her in Romanian. She pulled back, teary eyed, her hands taking Bev’s face. “Look at you. A doctor and so beautiful! Oh, Phillip is lucky he caught your eye.”

         Bev smiled, allowing more hugs and caresses.

         “Mamă, te rog oprește-te!” Darko gently pulled at his mother’s hands, trying to extract Bev.

         “De ce? Doar o să-mi devină noră într-o zi?”

         Darko flushed tomato red and glared. “Nu dacă o sperii! Dă-i drumu la față.”

         Constanța waved her hands dismissively at Darko before leaning in to Bev. “You and I will talk later. I brought baby pictures.”

         “You just made my day, Mrs. Dalca.”

         “Constanța, my darling, you call me Constanța. Now excuse me, I have to go embarrass my other boy.”

         Turning on her heel, Constanța let Nigel sweep her into a bear hug.

         “Bună Mamă,” Nigel whispered, burying his face in her shoulder.

         “Nigel, darling, what happened to your face?” Constanța reached forward to brush her fingers lightly over the welt still pinking Nigel’s left eye.

         “Probably a bar fight,” Harlan muttered.

         Constanța’s head snapped up, she felt Nigel tense beneath her hands. With a set jaw and narrowing eyes, she studied Harlan.

         “Oh no, he got that welt attempting a striptease for me,” Adam supplied with a cheery smile. “He’s not a very good dancer, but it was a thoughtful gesture all the same.”  

         Harlan made a face, shaking his head slightly. “Figures he’d do something like that.”

         “Figures?” Nigel’s tone was ice, his hands clenched into fists. Darko looked up, body primed to move. Constanța took a small step in front of Nigel.

         “It does figure,” Adam said, obliviously smiling at Harlan. “He’s always doing things to make me happy.”

         The rigidity left Nigel in a second. His eyes flooded with warmth as he looked at Adam. “Who wouldn’t want to make you happy, gorgeous?”

         Constanța clapped, rubbing her hands together.

         “Harlan, I couldn’t make myself eat the food on the plane. I know it’s far too early for these children to eat, but I was wondering – would you mind accompanying me for an early dinner?” Constanța offered a bright smile, her blue eyes flashing.

         Harlan blinked at Constanța before smiling. “Of course. I have a rental car downstairs.”

         “Wonderful!” Constanța beamed. “Nigel? What was the name of that restaurant you and Phillip like? Ralph’s?”

         Nigel squinted at her. “Roy’s.”

         “Oh yes, Roy’s. Shall we go there?”

         Harlan nodded. “I can look it up on the car’s GPS.”

         “I’ll just grab my purse, then.”

         Nigel leaned into Constanța. “Ce faci?”

         “Te opresc din a face of prostie,” she murmured with a wide smile on her face. “Consideră-l cadou de nuntă.”

         Constanța looped her bag over her shoulder and held her arm out. Harlan easily slipped his hand around her elbow and led her from the apartment.

         “Your mom is a goddamn superhero,” Bev sighed, letting Darko take her weight as she relaxed into his arms.

         “I liked her quite a bit too!” Enthused Adam. “And she and Harlan are getting along, maybe they can both visit more often.”

         Nigel’s jaw ticked, he grabbed his keys off the table in the hall. “I’m going to grab some more milk, we’re out.”

         “No we’re not.” Adam frowned. “Nigel? Nigel we have milk!”

         “I got this.” Darko snagged a kiss from Bev and loped after Nigel.

         Adam sat on the sofa, he rocked slightly as his fingers tapped rhythmic patterns on his legs. “He’s mad. He’s been upset for hours, but he wouldn’t…Do you know why he’s upset?”

         Bev bit her lip and sat next to Adam, she bumped him with her thigh and offered him a smile. “Harlan was being kinda hard on him don’t you think?”

         “What?” Adam worried the cuff of his shirt. “I don’t understand. I-I should understand, but I miss things sometimes.”

         Bev carefully threaded her hand in Adam’s, squeezing it lightly. “All that stuff about marriage being on its way out, bringing up Nigel’s divorces, saying Nigel was probably in a bar fight, making snide comments about Nigel doing the strip show – he’s been subtly picking at Nigel since I got here.”

         “I let him. I missed it and I let him say horrible things all day.” Adam looked heartbroken. Bev pulled him into a hug. “Is that why Constanța took him to dinner?”

         Bev nodded.

         “W-why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t Nigel say anything? He didn’t even yell.”

         “He knows what Harlan means to you, and he knows Harlan loves you.” Bev kept her voice even, hoping Adam would steady his breathing. “I think Nigel’s just trying to keep you happy by keeping the peace. He just needed a walk to cool off, that’s all.”

         “He’ll come back. He’ll come back and offer me something silly he bought for me,” Adam said, rocking slowing. “It’s what he does when he knows he’s upset me.”

         “OH? I hope Darko brings me a present too.” Adam smiled softly at Bev and she hugged him tighter.    

* * *

         Nigel had returned with milk they didn’t need, a packet of astronaut ice cream, and a sheepish expression. Darko trailed behind, winking at Adam before having an elaborate conversation with Bev, in which they used only their eyebrows. Soon after, they left.

         “I’m sorry Cosmo, I really did think we were out of milk.” Nigel hovered in the kitchen doorway, trying to gauge how much trouble he was in.

         “Don’t lie.” Adam offered him a plate of chicken and Bev’s cheesy broccoli before sitting to eat his dinner.

         “I’m sorry.”

         “I trust you to tell me when I miss things.” Adam poked at his food. “You’re supposed to tell me, I can’t defend you if I don’t know it’s happening.”

         “It wasn’t a big deal.” Nigel aggressively cut his chicken, willing his voice to stay neutral. “He doesn’t like me. Lots of fucking people don’t like me. It’s fine.”

         “It’s the last fucking time.” When Nigel looked up, Adam was staring directly into his eyes. “From now on, you tell me. You wouldn’t let anyone make me feel bad when you’re around. You let me defend you when I need to.”

         “Adam-”

         “No one insults you in our home. I don’t care how much I love them.” Adam took Nigel’s hand. “Do you understand me?”

         Nigel squeezed Adam’s fingers, marveling at how strong and calm Adam looked.

         “I do.”

         When Harlan returned, Adam was waiting for him on the couch. Nigel scrubbed dishes in the kitchen, using his pent up frustration to scour off all traces of dirt.

         “Nigel’s got himself one hell of an adopted mother!” Harlan smiled, sitting next to Adam. “You know that woman once caught the captain of the secret police screwing his secretary when she went to scrub his office? She asked him if he would life up his feet so she could vacuum! Oh, does she have some stories. Adam? What’s wrong?”

         “You know I don’t always pick up on implied meaning, and you’ve been using that to your advantage to insult Nigel all day.” Adam’s mouth worked into a firm line as he stared at his hands. Nigel shut off the water and moved to the kitchen doorway. “You shouldn’t insult Nigel, especially when you know I might not understand that you’re doing it.”

         “Adam, I think this is a mistake. This marriage thing, he just got a divorce for Christ’s sake,” Harlan reached out. Adam recoiled. “I’m just trying to look out for you.”

         “You shouldn’t have come here.” Adam was monotone, but his whole body had tensed. He started rocking as he wrapped his arms around his middle. “If you’re asking me to pick, I pick Nigel. So it seems pointless for you to stay for a wedding you don’t believe in.”

         Harlan opened his mouth, hurt clear on his face. “Adam, I-”

         “I’d like you to go, please.”

         “Adam!”

         “Y-you should go.”

         “Cosmo?” Nigel strode into the living room and took Adam into his arms. “I don’t think we need to kick the man out, you didn’t even give him a chance to apologize. You always give me a chance to apologize.”

         After a beat, Harlan sighed. “Nigel, I’m sorry. I should have kept my big mouth shut, Adam’s certainly old enough to run his own life. And I’m sorry I let you believe I was being civil when I wasn’t, Adam. I won’t do it again, and I’d like to stay and stand up for you at the wedding… if you’ll let me.”

         Adam screwed his mouth into a moue and looked at Nigel before bringing his eyes back to Harlan’s chest. “OK.”

         “OK?”

         “Yes. I believe you’re sorry.” Adam relaxed into Nigel’s arms. “I’m going to go get us glasses of milk and then we can talk about your date with Constanța.”

         The second Adam cleared the kitchen doorway, Nigel snatched Harlan by the jacket and dragged the older man to his face.

         “You can hate me ‘til the day you fucking die for all I care,” Nigel snarled. “I fucking promise you I’m gonna piss on your grave when you finally fucking expire. But for now, we play fucking nice. The 17th is in two days and Adam’s-”

         “The interview, I know. I don’t want him to feel unstable before he talks to that professor, either.” Harlan met Nigel’s eyes, mouth grim. “Adam’s more important than our bullshit anyway.”

         Nigel smiled, but his eyes stayed cold. He released Harlan. “See? We’re practically best fucking friends already.”

* * *

         Harlan watched Nigel pace up and down the hall. He could see the nervous energy pouring off the man, his fingers twitching as he wore a path in the floor.

         “You seem a bit tense.”

         Nigel jumped. He looked at Harlan like he hadn’t realized he was there.

         “It’s taking too goddamn long.” Nigel paused to press his ear against the outer office door, he could only hear the staccato clacking of the office administrator as she typed. “Fuck! I can’t hear a fucking thing from here.”

         “Well, we could have waited in there if you had kept your fool mouth shut.”

         “That fucking radio blaring would have thrown Adam off! He gets fucking upset with loud noises.”

         Harlan shot out a hand and grabbed Nigel, stilling him. “Son, I’ve known that boy since he was inside his mother. You don’t need to tell me a damn thing about him. Now, I know that music would have been a problem for him, but you jumping down some woman’s throat about it didn’t help him. It just got us kicked out of the office.”

         Nigel’s head dipped briefly, his jaw working. Harlan sighed.

         “I know you wanted to protect him, but sometimes it’s better to let Adam do for himself.”

         “Do you think I fucked up his interview?”

         Harlan’s hand slid from Nigel’s elbow to his shoulder, giving the Romanian a few conciliatory pats.

         “No.” Harlan smiled. “The second Adam starts talking about space and stars, they’ll forget all about you threatening to break the secretary’s computer.”

         “I just didn’t want him to freak out. He can fucking do this.”

         “’Course he can.” Harlan rubbed hands together, eyes on the ground. “I, uh, I’m glad you’re pushing him to do it. Never had the stomach to force that boy to go further in school. I think that may have been a disservice to him.”

         “He wasn’t ready in New York,” Nigel said, scuffing his shoes as he moved to lean next to Harlan on the wall. “He’s got Darko and Bev to help him with all the academic shit, now. He’s so much better with people, too. He’ll be fucking amazing.”

         “He’s got all of that because of you.” Harlan looked down the hall, away from Nigel. “I can see it, you know. I can see the change in him. I never saw him smile so much when he was around people before. Hell, I’ve never known the boy to have friends. He’s got a life here, a real goddamn life. I may not like you, but I like the change.”

         Nigel smiled, running a hand through his hair. “Harlan, you’re gonna make me fucking cry.”

         Harlan huffed out a laugh. “You’re a floppy haired shit, and I hate that Adam loves you. But no matter how many times I tried to reason with the boy, he still picks you every time. I guess I’m stuck with you, ugly neck tattoo and all.”

         Nigel snickered, shifting to knock his shoulder into Harlan’s. “Be sure to put that in your fucking toast.”

         They smiled at each other for a moment, before the door in front of them opened and both men jumped to attention.

         “How did it go?”

         “You ok, gorgeous? How are you feeling?”

         Adam looked between both for a moment, then grinned. Nigel nearly collapsed with relief. Harlan returned the grin and moved to slap Adam on the shoulder.

         “I think it went well. Professor Lutgend wants me to join his research team.”

         “What?”

         “You’re in the program?”

         “No. Professor Lutgend said he couldn’t make the decision by himself. The admissions board would have to weigh my test scores and his evaluation.” Adam moved to Nigel, eager for a hug. “The board won’t decide for 14 weeks, so Professor Lutgend asked me to join his research team in the meantime. He wants me to start right after our honeymoon. I think that will reflect positively to the board, don’t you?”

         Nigel whooped, grabbing Adam and spinning him in the air. “My fucking gorgeous genius!”

         “Stop swinging him around like a rag doll,” groused Harlan. Nigel stilled and Adam frowned. “Won’t do to shake the boy’s brains up now that he’s going to be a doctor.”

         Nigel put Adam down, kissing his temple. “The man’s got a point.”

         “Did you two bond while out here?” Adam looked between the men. “Good. It would have been awkward for Harlan to pursue Constanța if you two didn’t get along.”

         Harlan’s eyes went wide. Nigel stopped dead in his tracks, jolting Adam.

         “What?”

         “You have another lunch date with her tomorrow, don’t you? Bev was telling me about it.”

         Nigel rolled his neck and focused on his breathing. Christ, he was going to need more red balloons.

                                                          

* * *

         “It’s your last night as a single man, Cosmo.” Nigel leaned over the back of the couch, running a hand down Adam’s chest. “Any ideas on how to spend it?”

         Adam arched into the touch, making a breathy little noise when Nigel moved lower to cup his thickening cock. “It’s not my last night as a single man.”

         “What?”

         “Technically, we’re not married until the paperwork is filed by the officiant. That means we won’t really be married until the certificate is received in the government office. If it’s mailed, that means we won’t be married for three-to-four business days. If she drops it off personally, Monday.”

         “Jesus, Adam.”

         “Also, you’re about 12 years older than me, so in all likelihood you’ll die before me.” The corner of Adam’s mouth curled the way it always did when he teased Nigel. “So I’ll be single after that, barring some type of accident that kills us both.”

         “You keep talking and it’s going to be murder suicide.” Nigel moved his hand to Adam’s sides, tickling. “You impossible little shit, do you want to fuck or not?”

         Adam laughed batting at Nigel’s hands and falling to the side. Nigel took the opportunity to leap over the sofa and land on Adam’s prone body. He continued the tickle torture as he pressed nipping kisses into Adam’s neck and shoulder.

         “Yes! Yes!” Adam was breathless with laughter as he held up his hands in surrender. “I want to fuck!”

         “Well that’s too bad young man, because Nigel has to go.”

         Both men froze and looked up to the front door, Constanța and Harlan stood before them. Harlan’s eyes were trained on his shoes, Constanța was frowning.

         “Where is Nigel going?” Adam asked, he turned to look at Nigel. “You’re going somewhere?”

         “You can’t spend the night before your wedding with your intended!” Constanța fussed moving to shoo Nigel off of Adam. “You don’t sleep here tonight, go sleep with Darko!”

         “I never did this bullshit with Gabi.”

         “And look what happened.”

         “I’m not leaving Adam, he doesn’t sleep well when I’m gone.”

         “Nigel, it’s tradition.”

         “I’m not leaving-”

         “It’s OK.”

         Nigel turned to look at Adam, who was rubbing his hand soothingly along Nigel’s chest. “Cosmo, you don’t have to.”

         “I know, but it’s traditional, like a wedding. If we uphold one ultimately meaningless tradition to solidify our relationship before family and friends, it would be silly not to uphold another one.” Adam turned to Constanța. “Would it be acceptable if he skyped me at bed time?”

         “Of course.”

         “Good.” Adam smiled at Nigel. “I’ll be OK for the night and we can masturbate on Skype, it will be fine. Go pack a bag.”

         Harlan made a pained sound. Constanța smiled.

                                                  

* * *

         Bev was working her hand into Darko’s pants when the door banged open.

         “OH NO! You don’t get laid after your mother cock blocked me.” Nigel stomped into the living room, slung his duffle bag on the ground, and glared.

         “You really need to get a safety chain on your door,” Bev muttered, getting up from the sofa. “Nigel, you suck. I’m going to bed.”

         “Night, gorgeous.”

         Bev flipped him off and Nigel winked. Darko chucked a remote at Nigel, hitting square in the chest.

         “The fuck? It’s not my fucking fault I’m here. You think I wanted to sleep in your fucking guest room instead of with Cosmo?” Nigel shouldered his duffle and headed for Darko’s guest room. “Your goddamn mother had to convince Adam it was tradition to sleep in separate places before the wedding.”

         “You can’t sleep there, where will Mamă sleep?”

         There was a snort from the bedroom, Darko frowned at it before turning to Nigel, who shrugged.

         “She said she was staying at my place,” Nigel said. “Guess she didn’t trust me to stay away.”

         Another snort. Bev appeared in the guest room doorway, wearing one of Darko’s t-shirts. “Seriously, guys? She’s had lunch with Harlan every day this week and didn’t make it home until one last night.”

         “She and Harlan have been getting on pretty well. He’s much nicer to Nigel now.” Darko scrunched his brow. “Still, I don’t like the idea of her sleeping on a sofa.”

         Bev rolled her eyes. “I’m sure she’s got access to a bed.”

         Nigel’s eyes widened, he made a face. “FUCK!”

         “What?” Darko looked between the two of them. “Why are you-FUCK! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? I HAVE TO GO GET HER!”

         Bev put a hand on his chest. “Your mother is an adult. Now maybe Harlan sleeps on the sofa tonight, maybe your mother makes other sleeping arrangements…whatever they are, they aren’t your business.”

         “She’s my mother!”

         “And he’s a cunt!”

         “Ok, I’m going to go make some cocoa and when you boys are done pouting we can have a nice long talk about the dangers of patriarchal attitudes.”

         “But Adam already told me about that!”

         “Apparently you need a refresher.” Bev walked away leaving the men to grumble.

         “You don’t really think Mamă would…”

         “I have a fucking feeling Adam will let us know in the morning.”

         Darko looked pained. “Come on, fucker. Let’s go get our lecture, I want to get to bed.”

         Nigel smiled. “You’re going to fucking marry Bev, right nenorocitule?”

         Darko nodded. “Yeah.”

         “Good,” Nigel slapped Darko’s back. “Lock her down before she realizes what a cunt you are.”

         Darko laughed and shoved Nigel toward the kitchen. “Fuck you, you fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations:**  
>  _Mamă, te rog oprește-te!_ \- Mama, please stop!  
>  _De ce? Doar o să-mi devină noră într-o zi?_ \- What? She’s going to be my daughter one day, isn’t she?  
>  _Nu dacă o sperii! Dă-i drumu la față._ \- Not if you terrify her. Let go of her face.  
>  _Bună Mamă_ \- Hi, mama  
>  _Ce faci?_ \- What are you doing?  
>  _Te opresc din a face of prostie._ \- Keeping you from doing something stupid  
>  _Consideră-l cadou de nuntă._ \- Consider it a wedding gift.


	19. I Fucking Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Nigel tie the knot. Bad wedding guests, silly tantrums, and a honeymoon to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Technically, this would be the end of the story, but there's an epilogue to follow, so I'll see you all for the conclusion next Monday!

Calamigos Ranch was a sprawling property and Darko was sure he had trod through at least three wedding photos as he made his way back to the north pavilion section. He could feel sweat prickling his forehead and resisted the urge to pull at his tie. He had promised Nigel that he’d find them a drink and he would get one if he had to crash another ceremony to do it.

         “Hey! Dorko! Where are you stomping off to?”

         Darko turned and the whole world stopped. Bev was standing in front of a glen of trees, chatting with Jimmy and another man. Darko had seen the Valentino gown when she brought it home from the tailor, but he hadn’t seen it on her. She looked like someone had painted the night sky over her body, glittering planets and stars trailing over the sheer black material. With her hair swept up into a loose chignon, she looked regal.

         “Christ, you’re beautiful.” The heat and Bev’s smile left him breathless. Bev stepped forward, kissing him softly.

         “Thank you, handsome,” She whispered in his ear, pressing a kiss just below his earlobe before pulling back. “You remember Jimmy, your stalker. This is his boyfriend, Brian.”

         “Jesus you were right, he’s even prettier in person.”

         “I told you!”

         Darko kept staring at Bev. He was going to peel her out of that dress with his teeth tonight. Hell, maybe he’d just rip it off her and buy her a new one, it would be worth it.

         “Phil?” Bev smirked and elbowed him gently. “Phil, use your words, I told Brian you could talk.”

         Darko blinked. “Uh, Hi Jimmy. Nice to meet you…uh…”

         “Brian,” said the smaller man with a half-smile. “It’s fine, no one remembers me at first but I grow on you.”

         “It’s true,” agreed Jimmy, immediately pulling Darko into a hug. His hands started to travel south on Darko’s body but he felt Bev catch them. “How are you, handsome?”

         Darko rolled his eyes then smacked Jimmy on the ass as he pulled away. “Good, man, I’m good. Adam’s going to be thrilled you came.”

         “I wouldn’t have miss-”

         Jimmy was abruptly shoved to the ground as a little brown haired boy ran by, eyes on a cellphone.

         “HEY! Apologize, man!” The kid turned around and kicked Darko in the shin, spinning to run away. Darko was faster, snatching at the kid’s jacket and lifting him up. “You watch where you’re fu-frickin going! Apologize.”

         The boy immediately started crying, kicking, and flailing at Darko as Bev and Brian helped to hoist Jimmy up. Darko felt a sharp smack to his back, he swung the kid in a lazy arc as he turned to see what hit him.

         A small brunette scowled at him, Darko noted she was wearing a lavender dress that matched the boy’s tie. “PUT MY SON DOWN.”

         “Tell your son to stop pushing and kicking and I will.”

         “MOMMY!” The kid screeched. Darko lowered him with a sigh.

         “Blake, baby? Are you ok?”

         "M-mommy, I just wanted my Zapdos!”

         “There. You see? He was just looking for a rare Pokémon! I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm.” The woman kissed Blake and smoothed his hair. “Indigo children are hyper-focused, he probably didn’t even realize he’d brushed you, did you darling boy?”

         “No I didn’t.” Blake glared at Darko, Darko glared back. Bev rested a restraining hand on Darko’s shoulder.

         “Now, Blake, I’m sure you’re sorry, we’ll just wait for the scary man to apologize and we can be on our way.”

         Darko opened his mouth with a sneer, but felt Bev squeeze his shoulder.

         “I’m sorry,” Darko gritted.

         “There, now let’s leave these nasty grownups and find you that Zappos.”

         “Zapdos, MOM!” The boy rolled his eyes and shoved Darko as he went by.

         “He’s got a romantic spirit in him, it’s why I named him Blake. That can seem a little aggressive to those who don’t understand children,” the woman said as she moved by.

         “You’re Beth, right?” Bev cocked her head slightly.

         “Yes. Yes I am, have we met?”

         Bev shook her head and smiled. “Nope, just playing a hunch.”

         Beth squinted, wondering if she should take offense, but Blake shrieked before she decided.

         “MOMMY! THE ZAPDOS IS GONE! SOMEONE CAPTURED IT!”

         “Oh baby!” Beth ran to her son, offering him a hug that he slapped away. “Let’s see if we can find the person who stole it from you. Maybe they’ll trade.”

         “Not fucking likely,” Brian muttered, putting away his phone. Jimmy, Darko and Bev turned to stare at him, open mouthed. “What? He’s a little shit and that Zapdos is a legendary bird!”

         “I fucking love you,” Jimmy said, grabbing Brian and kissing him.

                                                  

* * *

         Adam stood beneath a galaxy of twinkling lights, draped over the branches of a 100-year old oak. He fussed with his lapel. It was three minutes to sunset and the ceremony was already running four minutes late. Tension began to squeeze his chest, cold clammy fingers banding around his ribs and restricting his breathing. Why couldn’t he get his lapel to lie flat? People were looking at him. Harlan stepped forward, running a soothing hand over Adam’s shoulder as he straightened the fabric. Bev leaned around Harlan’s broad shoulders to wink at Adam. He smiled. Harlan and Bev were with him. Nigel would be there soon.   ****

_Vangelis_ began to play and everyone turned to look down the aisle at the two Romanian gangsters dressed in tuxes. Nigel clutched a bunch of white Egyptian stars in his hand that Constanța had given him before the ceremony, explaining there had to be a bouquet. Adam waved, and Nigel’s face immediately split into a grin as he took his first steps toward his husband.

         Darko and Nigel made their way through the crowd, their steps synchronized. Nigel was so focused on Adam, he missed Darko reaching into his pocket to toss fake rose petals into the air. Covered in tiny bits of pink, Nigel huffed, shoving Darko. Darko shoved back and the next steps were punctuated with dodges and blows.

         “BOYS!” Both men froze when Constanța yelled, before quickly and non-violently moving up the aisle.

         The officiant raised an eyebrow at the pair, Darko grinning and Nigel still trying to pluck petals out of his hair.

         “Who gives this man to be wed?”

         “I fucking do,” Darko laughed. “Here, Cosmo, take him.”

         Darko shoved Nigel toward Adam and offered the younger man a wink. Nigel handed off the bouquet to Darko with a mild sneer.

         “You’re three minutes late,” said Adam, gently tugging a petal from behind Nigel’s ear. “We almost missed the sunset.”

         “Apologies gorgeous, Darko and I had a hell of a fucking time with this bow tie. Forgive me?” Nigel wrapped his arms around Adam and kissed him.  

         The officiant cleared her throat. “We, uh, get to that bit in a few moments.”

         Nigel grunted and stepped back from Adam.

         “Adam was very specific about what he wanted the content of this ceremony to be, so I’ll be brief,” said the officiant. “Marriage is, in many ways an antiquated tradition. It’s not necessarily religious. It can be done more than once. It doesn’t have to be for the purpose of baring children. So why do we do it? Marriage, at its heart, is about optimism. It’s about looking into an uncertain future and knowing you want one person by your side. It’s about looking at the person in front of you and knowing that they’re worth a leap of faith. It’s about celebrating those brave enough to leap. Today, we celebrate Adam Raki and Nigel Balaur, two men clearly ready to leap into each other’s arms.”

         Bev and Harlan snorted. Darko sniffled, clearing his throat.

         “THIS IS BORING,” whined a small voice from the crowd. Nigel and Darko shot death glares at a squirming little boy near the front.

         “Since Adam and Nigel have prepared their own vows, now is the time I ask for the rings.”  

         Bev held up both rings to the justice of the peace. Nigel moved to slip his ring onto Adam’s finger, but the younger man stopped him, softly tracing over the grey band.

         “What kind of metal is this?” Adam squinted, studying the ring.

         “It’s silicon coated quartz dust.” Nigel’s mouth curled into a smile as he watched Adam process the new information.

         Adam looked up with an excited smile. “Like a heat shield tile?”

         Nigel nodded. “Like a heat shield tile that was once on Discovery.”

         Adam’s mouth dropped open. “The Discovery space shuttle?”

_This fucking kid._

         “The certificate of authenticity and the rest of the tile are sitting in our apartment, Cosmo.”

         Adam leaped into Nigel’s arms, hands gripping at the older man’s head as he pressed joyful kisses all over Nigel’s face. The Romanian caught his Cosmo easily, wrapping both arms around Adam’s waist to keep him upright as he did his best to kiss Nigel to death. The guests laughed, except for Beth who slapped a hand over her son’s eyes.

         “Careful gorgeous, I almost dropped the fucking thing,” Nigel whispered between kisses.

         “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

         “That’s excellent, so you won’t have a problem finishing the vows, then?” The justice of the peace teased.

         Reluctantly, Nigel lowered Adam to the ground, slipping the ring over Cosmo’s finger with a smile. He had practiced the vows with Beverly, Darko, and Ralph dozens of times, he’d even run them by Constanța. Still, Nigel’s gut fell as he opened his mouth.

         “I’ve spent most of my life doing the wrong thing,” Nigel started, meeting Adam’s happy gaze. “I hurt people. I broke my mother’s heart more times than I can count. I even broke Darko’s a couple times. I’m angry. I’m impulsive. I shouldn’t be near someone as good as you, but that didn’t stop you from dropping into my life. You taught me about space. You taught me patience. You taught me that listening is as important as talking. You taught me that love is about more than what I want. Suddenly, doing the right thing doesn’t seem so hard anymore. I know I’m the man you love, so I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to be the man you deserve.”

         Adam beamed, leaning forward to kiss Nigel sweetly. A shuddering breath and a sob interrupted them. Adam peeked over Nigel’s shoulder to see Darko rubbing his eyes and sucking in shaky breaths. With a pat, Adam disentangled from Nigel’s arms and stepped around him.

         “Here,” said Adam, holding out a pack of Kleenex. “I brought these because I know you get weepy sometimes.”

         Darko took the tissues, huffing a small laugh. He started when he felt a hand wrap around his waist. He looked up to see Bev standing beside him, watching the ceremony with a quiet smile on her face.

         Adam stepped back to his husband, taking Nigel’s ring from the officiant. Nigel had groused about giving up the ring for the ceremony, but finally relented when Adam threatened to let Darko pick out a wedding band.

         Adam slid the ring over Nigel’s knuckle, settling it into the groove of flesh that had been its home for months. He looked into Nigel’s eyes and smiled.

         “I, Adam fucking Raki-”

         Nigel choked, sputtering out a surprised laugh. Behind him, Darko guffawed, slapping Nigel on the back. Adam smiled. Nigel always got his jokes.

         “I know I can be difficult to live with. I have strict schedules. I only like certain foods and textures. I can panic in unfamiliar situations. I’m not very good at sexual roleplay.”

         Harlan cleared his throat. Bev pressed her face into Darko’s shoulder.

         “But even when I’m difficult, I know you’ll be there – even if you can’t make it better, even if you don’t know what’s wrong. You’re there. I want to marry you because I know I can count on you, you make me want to try harder, try for more, and you’re really good at making me orgasm. I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to be better for you and helping you be better for me. I still don’t really believe in marriage as defined by patriarchal traditions, but I believe in you. And I know we’ll be together until one or both of us die, because we fit. And now you and the rest of our friends know we’re symbolically and legally committed. OH! And I love you very much.” Adam nodded, indicating the end of his speech. Nigel was beaming, kissing Adam’s hands as tears slid down his face. “Was that OK?”

         Nigel nodded, lunging forward to kiss Adam again.

         “Ok, you know what, I think we’re good here.” The officiant said to the oblivious couple. “I now pronounce you husband and husband, you can keep kissing each other.”

         Applause erupted, making Adam tense momentarily. His hand tangled in Nigel’s hair while the older man slid a hand down to palm Adam’s ass.

         “Jesus you two, can you at least walk down the aisle so the rest of us can have fucking dinner?” Darko groused, hitting Nigel with the bouquet.

                                                  

* * *

         “Come on, Cosmo, it’s time for our first dance.” Nigel held a hand out to Adam, smiling softly at his new husband. Adam had finished his mac n cheese, made carefully by the staff using Bev’s specific instructions, and had no plans on getting up to dance. Adam frowned, but put his hand in Nigel’s, allowing himself to be drawn onto the dance floor.

         “I-I only know how to waltz. And you can’t dance.”

         Nigel’s smile grew slightly. “Waltz, huh?”

         “Yes. Harlan took me to the American Legion with him for dance lessons. He thought it would help me be better with girls.” Adam murmured, very conscious of all the eyes on them. “I told you that, Nigel.”

         “You did?” Nigel’s voice was heavy with faux innocence. Adam could tell Nigel was teasing, but he wasn’t sure why. He pushed down the tension that creeped into his chest. Nigel was with him, he wouldn’t do anything to embarrass or hurt him. He offered the Romanian a tentative smile. Nigel returned it before looking over to the DJ and nodding. “That’s right you did. You learned to waltz to an old Sinatra song, right?”

         “Yes, it was-”

         The familiar drum beat stopped Adam cold. He looked at Nigel, who raised his eyebrows.  

“I only know how to lead,” Adam whispered, wrapping his arm around Nigel’s waist.

         “Good, because I’ll fucking follow you anywhere,” Nigel said with a wink, clasping their hands together and resting his free hand on Adam’s shoulder. Adam stepped, and looked shocked when Nigel followed him smoothly.

          _Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars_

_Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars_

_In other words, hold my hand_

_In other words, baby kiss me_

          They spun around the floor and Adam began to smile, relaxing into muscle memory and confidence that Nigel could keep up. When Nigel stepped out into a spin, Adam laughed and kissed him when he returned. As Sinatra crooned, Adam glanced over Nigel’s shoulder. His coworkers waved when Adam led Nigel past their table. Beth was too busy lecturing her son to look up, but Jimmy and Bryan raised their glasses. Ralph and the rest of Bucharest Brothers Security _whooped_ as the couple waltzed by. Constanța smiled, tears flowing down her face. Bev waved, her head leaning on a beaming Darko’s shoulder. Harlan wiped at his eyes and offered Adam a small smile and a thumbs up.

         Everyone was happy. He looked up to tell Nigel, but couldn’t get the words out, caught in his husband’s adoring gaze. Adam decided he’d seen enough of the world around them, resting his head on Nigel’s shoulder as the rest of the song played.

         When the big band flourish came, signaling the end of the song, Adam tightened his grip on Nigel, leaning him into a dip. Nigel clutched at Adam’s shoulders, surprise and joy in his eyes.

         “The Rakis, everybody! Let’s give them a hand.”

         The applause startled Adam, making him lose his grip on Nigel. They bobbled temporarily before righting themselves and bowing.

         A disco beat started and Adam moved to leave, but Nigel held him firm, shaking his head slightly.

         “Alright love birds, I think it’s time for a group dance,” Bev said, coming up to Adam and shimmying her shoulders, Nigel took her hand and spun her. Darko moved up to Cosmo, twirling on his heels. Harlan held out his hand to Constanța and soon they were boogieing nearby.

          _I lost my heart to a starship trooper._

_Hey, Captain Strange, won’t you be my lover?_

_You’re the best thing that I’ve ever discovered_

_Flash Gordon’s left me, he’s gone to the stars_

_An evil Darth Vader has me banished to Mars_

         Adam laughed as Nigel and Darko started jumping to the rhythm. The dance floor filled, Adam was surrounded by everyone he knew. The crowd and the music should have triggered panic, but Adam just took Nigel’s hand and started jumping and shimmying, laughing with his friends. He knew the noise and the people would become too much soon, but in this moment, with Nigel’s sure hand to keep him anchored, Adam let himself enjoy the happy chaos.

                                                  

* * *

         "It’s my fucking wedding!“ Nigel yanked Darko away from the Ferris Wheel by the tie.

         "I found the venue!” Darko stomped on Nigel’s foot.

         "PHILLIP!” Both men froze, a look of boyish terror falling over their features as Constanța marched toward them. They both dropped their heads when she stopped in front of them. “It’s Nigel’s wedding, let him go first with Adam.“

         "Yeah, listen to your mother!” Nigel sneered, shoving at Darko.

         "Nigel, if you shove him one more time, neither of you are going to get on that thing.“ The gangster ducked his head away from Constanța’s wagging finger. Bev and Adam moved closer, sharing a packet of astronaut ice cream and watching with interest.  

         “I just wanted to take Adam first.” Nigel looked up with sad eyes. Darko stepped behind his mother to make the _jerk off_ motion.

         “Of course you did, my love.” Constanța ran a hand over Nigel’s beard, tugging on the trimmed hair along his chin. “But knock off that puppy dog bullshit, and be good or I’ll take Bev and Adam up with me and you two can watch.”

         “I’m sorry.”

         “Phillip?”

         “I’m sorry too.”

         “Good.” Constanța spun Nigel toward Adam and swatted him on the ass. “Go take your husband on the ride, nenorocitule.”

         Nigel barked out a laugh before grabbing Adam’s hand and stepping onto the platform.

* * *

         Adam and Nigel sat at the top of the Ferris wheel, looking out over the lawn. It was their third time around on the wheel, and though the vantage point was nice for the sky, Adam was more focused on shoving his tongue down Nigel’s throat. They had been warned by the ride operator twice that rocking the cart was a bad idea, but he felt secure in Nigel’s arms. Beth had asked them to stop while she and Blake rode the Ferris wheel, Nigel just smiled and promised he’d give her little rugrat the education of a lifetime. Inside the tent, there was still dancing and music, but Adam preferred the relative quiet of the lawn, just the stars, Nigel, and Darko – grousing about gross couples ruining a perfectly good ride.

         When the wheel descended Adam was met with Darko’s glare.

         “Come on you gross fuckers, it’s time to do the nerd part of the evening.” Darko sighed, looking heavenward. “Cosmo, I’ve asked you to take your hand out of Nigel’s pants when I’m talking to you.”

         “But we’re married now.”

         “Just because you’ve got jewelry doesn’t mean I want to see this.” Darko gestured to them, then spun with a huff and stomped toward the tent.

         “He’s just pissed we got to go first,” Nigel said, kissing Adam’s hair as he zipped his fly.

         They arrived at the tent in time to see Darko hoist Beverly up on a chair.

         “People! PEOPLE!” The DJ cut the music and the crowd turned to look at Bev. “Hi! Ok, we’re now entering the star gazing part of the reception. That means we’re going to turn off all the lights and set up telescopes on the lawn. I know the Mt. Wilson crew has their own equipment with them, but if you didn’t bring a telescope, we have some binoculars you can borrow in this bin, as well as blankets so you don’t get your fancy clothes dirty. If we could all go to the lawn now to find a spot in an orderly-”

         Two dozen people with cases ran past Bev, knocking her chair. Darko steadied her.

         “Or just follow the herd of nerds!” Bev finished with a shrug, hopping into Darko’s arms.

         “Adam! I’ve got your telescope!”

         “Oh! Thanks Amy!” Adam took off into the crowd, Nigel spun blinking at his suddenly empty arms.

         “Adam? ADAM!” The lights cut out leaving the front lawn an indistinct mass of bodies and telescopes. “Goddamn it, COSMO!”

         “What’s going on?” Darko sidled up to Nigel, offering him a beer. “He left you already?”

          Nigel grabbed the bottle with a glare, taking a long pull. “Fuck you. I fucking lost him in the field of nerds.”

         Darko and Nigel carefully picked their way through the crowd, nudging people with their feet and calling for Adam. Halfway across the lawn, they heard a massive crash and a screaming child.

         “WHAT THE HELL?” One of the Mt. Wilson employees was yelling at Blake, who was swinging the lens of a telescope like a baseball bat.

         “Oh! He’s just very curious, it’s the problem with being exceptionally intelligent!” Beth said as she crouched to her son. “Blake, darling, put that down and we’ll find you a nice pair of binoculars.”

         “This is dumb!” Blake said, tossing the telescope and running away. Beth shrugged and ran after him.

         “The lights are out, if that kid ends up dead, no one can prove it was me,” Darko muttered. Nigel nodded.

         “Come get me, I’ll help you dig the hole.”

         “Nigel!” The Romanian opened his arms just in time to catch Adam. “There you are! I got us the best spot. It has a great view of the sky, but it’s far enough away that we can touch each other without-”

         “Why do you always have to make it fucking weird, Cosmo?” Darko grimaced as Nigel beamed and kissed Adam’s temple.

         “See you later, nenorocitule. Let me know if you need me to help dig that hole.”

         “What hole?”

         “Don’t worry about it, Cosmo.”

         Adam shrugged and led Nigel into the darkness, chattering about the sky. Darko looked out over the lawn, trying to find a beautiful woman in a sparkling dress. He waved to Jimmy and Brian when an arm wrapped around his middle.

         “There you are,” purred Bev, leaning up to press a kiss to Darko’s ear. “I found us a great spot in the tent.”

         Darko turned, squinting at Bev in confusion. “No one’s in the tent.”

         Bev’s smile was slow and wide. She ran a hand down to his belt and raised an eye. “I know.”

         “OH!” Darko grabbed her hand and ran toward the tent.

* * *

         “Nigel, I need to put my pants back on, we have to leave soon.”

         Nigel’s head was still pillowed in Adam’s lap, the telescope forgotten the moment Nigel’s mouth descended. He smiled up at Adam, tongue darting out to wet his lips. “Did you have fun watching the stars, gorgeous?”

         “Once you started sucking my cock, it was hard to focus, but I did enjoy the blowjob immensely.”

         Nigel sat up, smiling as Adam shimmied back into the suit pants. “Sorry I distracted you.”

         Adam scrunched his brows. “No you’re not.”

         “No, gorgeous, I’m not.” Nigel stole a quick kiss before he stood, offering Adam a hand. “Come on Cosmo, let’s say our goodbyes and get the fuck out of here.”

         Constanța and Harlan were waiting by the town car Nigel had hired.

         “We were getting worried!” Constanța grabbed Nigel’s face and kissed him. “Goodbye darling, be happy. And you call me when you get home and to let me know about Adam’s college.”

         “I will, Mamă” He wrapped her in a hug, closing his eyes as he kissed her hair.

         Constanța released Nigel and turned to Adam, tears already in her eyes. She held out her hand to shake, Adam smiled and took it.

         “Thank you.” Her voice was rough. “Thank you for joining our family.”

         “Oh, you’re welcome.” Adam smiled at his feet, Constanța patted his hand before releasing him. Harlan laid a hand on Adam’s shoulder.

         “You know to call me when you find out about the program.”

         Adam nodded.

         “Good, now you get going before you have to spend your honeymoon with us.” Harlan looked at Nigel and smiled, offering him a hand. Nigel shook it, a small grin on his face. The driver opened the door to the backseat, and Nigel moved to usher Adam inside.

         “Wait!” Bev and Darko came running toward the car, Bev’s hair was falling around her face, chignon completely destroyed. Darko seemed to be buttoning his shirt, tie long forgotten. Bev maintained her speed as she approached, launching herself at Nigel. “You have an awesome time on your honeymoon, ok?”

         Nigel hugged Bev, laughing lightly. “I will.”

         Bev turned and hugged Adam. “I’m going to miss you! Who am I going to lunch with on Tuesdays?”

         “I’ll only be gone for two weeks,” Adam said, before frowning and holding Beverly at arms’ length. “Bev, your dress is on backwards.”

         “I changed my mind, I’m not going to miss you at all.” Bev groused, but pressed a kiss to Adam’s cheek and smiled. Darko slung an arm around Adam’s shoulders, pulling him in for a half hug and promising to pick up the mail and double check that Nigel hadn’t left anything perishable in the fridge.

         “Try to keep this one away from fish-faced Americans, I like him.” Darko teased, shoving Nigel lightly.

         Nigel rolled his eyes before grabbing Darko into a tight hug and whispering, “Fuck you, you fuck.”

         Darko squeezed back, trying hard not to cry. “Get the fuck out of here, will you?”

         The foursome stood together, watching as Adam and Nigel’s car disappeared into the dark. When the taillights blinked out of view, Constanța touched a hand to Bev’s face, tucking wild strands behind her ear.

         “Have I told you about Phillip’s first haircut and how he cried about losing his pretty curls?”

         Bev glowed with excitement. Harlan offered Darko a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

* * *

         The flight to the Canary Islands was long, but Nigel had sprung for first class for a reason. Two flight attendants were more than happy to cater to Adam’s fussing when he started to get antsy and off schedule. Nigel thanked them each sincerely once they landed.

         Los Guanches Bungalows were a five minute drive from Roque de los Muchachos Observatory. Amy had helped Nigel schedule two tours of the labs for Adam during their vacation, so he could see both the solar physics and high energy astrophysics that took up most of the lab’s resources. Nigel had roughly 40 hours to help Adam get back on a schedule so he could be relaxed for the first tour. He reminded himself of that as he nudged open the bungalow door with Adam in his arms. It was tempting to just throw Adam over the nearest available surface and see just how soundproof the little bungalow’s walls were.

         “Alright, gorgeous, what do you think? Light dinner and then bed? Or should we just hit the sack?” Nigel moved to sit Adam on the bed, but Cosmo refused to release him.

         “I think we should have sex, then go to bed.”

         Nigel grinned wolfishly, allowing Adam to tug him onto the bed.

         “See?” He kissed Adam, hands already tugging at the hem of his shirt. “That’s why you’re the fucking genius.”

         Tossing his shirt to the side, Nigel stood and swatted Adam’s ass.

         “Strip,” he said, rummaging through their luggage for their lube. “How do you want to do this, gorgeous?”

         Adam wriggled out of his pants, face twisted in thought. Then he offered Nigel a bright smile. “You should fuck me, just like the first time. That’s romantic, right?”

         Nigel tossed the lube next to his husband and pounced, landing astride Adam. He nuzzled into Adam’s neck, nipping and growling until he heard little breathy laughs. “That’s the most romantic fucking thing I’ve ever heard. You’ve been holding out on me, Adam.”

         “No, I haven’t,” Adam said, pulling back to look at Nigel seriously. “My first thought was just to fuck, I didn’t think of the symbolism until just now.”

         Nigel dropped his head to Adam’s chest, hiding his grin. “Well, it was a good fucking thought. Turn over, gorgeous.”

         Adam pulled himself onto all fours as Nigel shucked the rest of his clothes. Running a hand over Adam’s hip, Nigel bent down to nip at the pert ass before him. Adam made a breathy noise before pushing back into Nigel’s mouth. The older man grinned, spreading Adam wide and flicking his tongue over the tight pink hole he found.

         Adam groaned, arching into the attention, it was all the encouragement Nigel needed. He pressed forward, tongue and sucking kisses working ungodly noises out of his husband. Nigel wondered absently if they had neighbors, and if he’d be dealing with disgruntled looks in the morning. He found he didn’t give a fuck when Adam was so gloriously undone in front of him.

         When his tongue flicked inside of Adam, the boy’s arms gave out. Adam let himself fall forward, arms stretching out looking for anything to ground him.

         “Ni-Nigel! F-fingers. Fingers now!”

         Fuck, Nigel loved it when Adam got this desperate.

         “Yes dear,” Nigel whispered, slicking a finger and sliding it easily into his husband. After a few thrusts, Nigel could add a second finger to the stretch. “Fuck you’re ready for it aren’t you, Cosmo?”

         Nigel had barely made it to three fingers before Adam slapped at the headboard. “P-Please! PLEASE!”

         Nigel kept working his fingers in and out of Adam, curling on every other stroke and smiling as the boy’s back bowed at the sensation. “What do you need my darling?”

         “M-my husb-band! I need my husband!” Adam’s hands were clawing at the sheets as he fucked himself back onto Nigel’s hand.

         Nigel moaned at the words. _Husband_. He was Nigel fucking Raki now and his husband fucking needed him. With a snarl he pulled back, slicked his cock and slid into Adam. His fingers clenched on Adam’s hips, setting a hard and deep pace.

         “Your husband’s here now, gorgeous. You feel him?”

         Adam keened, rubbing his face into the sheets. Nigel raked his fingers down Adam’s spine, slowing his thrusts to savor the feel of Adam writhing on his cock.

         “Fuck you’re so fucking beautiful,” Nigel panted, leaning forward to blanket Adam’s back. “My gorgeous fucking husband.”

         Nigel snaked one hand around Adam’s middle, gripping his cock and pumping. Adam bucked twice and came, shivering as Nigel milked him. Nigel followed soon after, scraping his teeth over the soft skin of Adam’s shoulder as his orgasm whited out his vision.

         They collapsed together on the bed, gasping into the sheets and waiting for their bodies to calm. When Nigel finally controlled his legs again, he lurched up, padding around the unfamiliar space in search of a bathroom and washcloth. He returned a few moments later to find Adam still curled over himself, too spent to bother moving. After a quick cleanup, Nigel tossed the cloth next to the bed and dug through their bags for Adam’s weighted blanket.

         “So,” Nigel fell back into bed, coiling around Adam. “Was it as good as our first time?”

         “Oh no,” Adam shook his head and turned to regard Nigel seriously. “We’re much better at sex now, don’t you think?”

         Nigel huffed out a breath, more an exhale than a laugh, and tucked Adam’s head under his chin. He ran a hand through Adam’s hair, watching his ring catch in the moonlight. “Yeah, gorgeous, I think it’s much better now.”

* * *

         Darko came home from dropping Constanța at the airport to find Bev in bed, casually flipping through his baby pictures. She smiled when he flopped next to her.

         “I can’t decide which picture is my favorite, you bare-assed in the sink screaming your head off, or you bare-assed wearing your father’s hat.” Bev scrunched her nose. “Did you have clothes as a child?”

         “None I liked wearing.” Darko leaned over and picked up a bouquet of white Egyptian Star flowers, bopping Bev on the nose. She laughed and grabbed the arrangement, turning to trace them over Darko’s face and chest.

         “I can’t believe you caught the bouquet.”

         “I had to,” Darko defended. “Fucking Nigel threw it at my head.”

         Bev smiled, pressing soft kisses to Darko’s jaw as she tossed the flowers back to the nightstand. “Poor Dorko, did Nigel try to beat you up with flowers?”

         Darko glared at her, but his mouth was curling at the ends. “You know that was a very stressful day for me.”

         Bev nodded, eyes wide. “I know. You had to walk in a straight line, cry manfully, AND THEN you had to wait your turn on the kiddie ride! Your strength astounds me.”

         “Fuck off,” Darko rolled his eyes, but made no move to stop Bev from unbuttoning his shirt and pressing sucking kisses to his chest. “I-I _fuck Bev_ I also had to fight that fucking kid over cake.”

         Bev stopped, resting her chin on Darko’s chest to look up at him with laughing eyes. “You what?”

         “Fucking Beth’s little brat hit me in the gut when I tried to get him off the fucking cake table. Little shit, just like his mother.” Darko frowned. “Still fucking hurts.”

         Bev made a sympathetic face, shimmying down Darko’s body to plant warm kisses all over his stomach. She moved back to Darko’s face, smirking. “There. All better. Anything else I can do for you?”

         Darko cradled Bev’s face in his hands, kissing her tenderly before pulling back. He reached into his pocket to retrieve a small box, offering it to her. “Actually, I do have a question to ask you.”

         Bev smiled and kissed him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Nigel's first dance is Frank Sinatra's _Fly Me To The Moon_ :  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hxibHJOE5E
> 
> The group dance is Sarah Brightman and Hot Gossip's _I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper_ :  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgW9l7CR1WQ


	20. Happily Ever After, Motherfuckers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three years later...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys? GUYS! I can't believe it's finished. If you've read this whole series, that means you've read over 107,000 words. That's a huge investment in time and I can't thank you enough. And if you commented or gave kudos, you were the people who kept me going, so blame yourselves for how damn long this got!  
> Thank you all.

“Do you think she’ll like puzzles? I was thinking about the pony one, but she might choke on the pieces.” Nigel was sprawled on the floor, studiously erecting some type of child entertainment device that featured dangling soft toys, lights, and a button that played a cheery version of _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star._

         Adam hated the thing already.

         “She’s three months old, Nigel,” Adam said as he continued making notes on the latest data from the Voyager 2 probe. “I’m not sure if she can hold her head up. I think a jigsaw puzzle will be lost on her.”

         “So you think this will be enough?” Nigel tapped the button and Adam flinched when a blinking rendition of _Twinkle Twinkle_ started. Nigel looked up with a rueful smile. “Sorry.”

         “I believe that thing will keep her entertained.” Adam glared at it. “I think I’ll study in the kitchen.”

         “OK, I’m going to check on the pack-and-play in the bedroom.”

         “Nigel, it was fine an hour ago.”

         “What if it shifted?”

         Adam offered Nigel a flat stare, but smiled when the older man scurried into the other room. Nigel had been planning for the baby’s arrival for nearly a week, coming home with bags filled with bright plastic toys and stuffed animals. Adam had decided to let Nigel enjoy the planning, even though Adam was dreading having a small chaotic human in their home. As Adam began moving his books, the door opened.

         Darko held the door for Bev, who cradled a babbling baby in her arms. Adam noted with some disdain that the baby was already making noise, but remembered that it was rude to ask people to quiet their babies. Instead, he waited for Darko to take the girl and press kisses into the black fuzzy hair that peppered her scalp.

         Without a baby in her arms, Adam could see that Bev had gone all out for her post baby night on the town. She wore a low cut black dress that hugged her hips and skimmed her thighs. Her hair was down, and partially wet, where the baby had been chewing on it.

“You look lovely,” Adam offered Bev a smile. “Your breasts are still quite engorged.”

         “Yeah they are, you wouldn’t believe what it’s like dragging these suckers around all day.”

         Darko knitted his eyebrows together. “Oh, when Adam says something it’s fine, but I get smacked when I say something.”

         “Adam didn’t tell me he’s going to miss my gigantic knockers when they’re gone.”

         “I don’t think I will,” said Adam. “I still think your ass is your best non-facial feature.”

         Darko glared at Adam and Bev before turning to his daughter. “Do you see how they gang up on me? You’ll be on my side, won’t you my love?”

         Bev rolled her eyes, but was interrupted by the sound of Nigel rushing out of the bedroom.

         “There’s my girl!” He cooed at the baby, smile bright. She reached out for him, grabbing his fingers. “You remember me, don’t you Clea?”

         “She should, you see her enough.” Bev grinned, plucking the baby out of Darko’s hands and offering her to Nigel. He still looked nervous whenever he was offered the baby, carefully settling her in his arms and propping her on his chest. Bev gave Nigel an encouraging smile. He had visited her and Clea at least once a day since the baby was born. He watched seriously as Darko showed him how to change diapers and happily sat by the crib or did dishes while Bev napped. Adam was less enamored with the baby, but gladly ran errands or cleaned when he stopped by every Tuesday for lunch. Though Darko had been nervous about the idea, Bev was fairly confident that Nigel and Adam could keep Clea alive while they went to dinner. Hopefully, they’d have enough time to fooled around in the car before Adam had had enough.

         Clea already adored her Uncle Nigel, who let her tug on his hair and gum his fingers whenever she wanted. She reached up now, wrapping small hands around a lock of grey hair and babbling.

         “Hello gorgeous,” Nigel whispered as Clea cooed. He looked up at Darko with a frown. “I still say she should have been named Nigella. I’m your oldest fucking friend and her fucking godfather.”

         Bev sighed, she had a pretty good idea of what Clea’s first word would be and who to fucking blame for it. “We were going to name her after you, but we thought the baby would have a hard time saying Nenorocitule.”

         “I love you so much,” Darko said, smiling as he leaned in to kiss Bev sweetly. The plain gold band on his finger glinted in the light as he tucked some hair behind her ear.

         Nigel narrowed his eyes, but lost the glare when a small hand latched onto his nose. He brought his face closer, beaming as Clea smacked and pulled at him.

         Bev smiled, taking Darko’s hand. “I think you guys will be ok. Adam? I wrote out a schedule for Clea, it should help minimize the stress. If it gets to be too much, just call us, ok?”

         Adam took the printed schedule and diaper bag from Darko with a small nod. “I will keep her on schedule.”

         “It’s ok if it’s not exact, they’re just guidelines.”

         Nigel looked up, Clea’s hand still tugging on his lip. “Will you two go eat and fuck? Christ knows he’s gagging for it and Clea and I have things to do.”

         Darko held up both middle fingers as Bev pulled him from the apartment.

                                                  

* * *

         “Phil?” Bev ran a finger over the hand that was resting on her knee. “How hungry are you?”

         Darko took his eyes off the road for a moment to look at her. “Huh? We’re almost at the restaurant, we’ll eat soon.”

         “Yeah,” Bev sighed. She played with his fingers, making him reflexively clench his hand. “It looks like a great place. And we haven’t been out since Clea…”

         “But…”

         “But I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go home.”

         Darko shot her a smile. “We’ve been gone 15 minutes and you’re already missing the baby?”

         “What? NO!” Bev laughed, raising her hand to play with the little microscope charm that dangled around her neck. “Her little ass can stay with Nigel and Adam for a few hours.”

         Darko cocked his head. “So what’s the plan here, Katz?”

         Bev shrugged. “Just thought we could go home, order a pizza, and fuck like rabbits since we won’t have to worry about Clea crying the second one of us moans.”

         “She is a little cock-blocker, it’s fucking incredible.”

         “So? I’m fine with having a date with you, big guy, just throwing another option out there.”

         “Dinner in a fancy fucking restaurant or you naked on the kitchen counter?”    

         Darko made a U-turn that squealed the tires.

                                                  

* * *

         “She smells.” Adam looked at the baby in Nigel’s arms with distaste.

         “What? I just fucking changed her. Clean as a fucking whistle, aren’t you Ms. Clea?” Nigel shifted the baby in his arms. He held her bottle up and smiled when the little girl latched on.

         “I think it’s the milk. She smells and she makes odd noises.”

         Nigel craned his neck to kiss Adam’s temple. “So do I, gorgeous, but you got used to me.”

         Adam studied the baby for another minute. She finished her bottle and tried to reach for Adam’s nose. He recoiled. “We’re twenty minutes behind her schedule.”

         “She’s ok, I promise, darling.” Nigel smiled. “Here, you wash this and finish serving dinner, I’ll burp her and be ready to eat in a 10 minutes.”

         Adam nodded, taking the bottle.

         Nigel draped a cloth with hippos on it over his shoulder and began to gently jostle Clea. “Here darling, let’s show you the family while we wait.”

         He walked to the large photo collage in the kitchen, it had expanded since he’d started it, now taking up almost half the wall. Nigel had always wanted a big family, he’d pictured it since he was little and his mother’s dates would bang on his bedroom door, slurring vile threats and promises. He had wanted to start right away with Gabi, a girl or two first, someone for Constanța to coo over and him to spoil, maybe a boy later that Nigel would raise to be good, honest, patient – and nothing like his father.

          Falling for Adam meant that he had to put that dream away. There was no way for his Cosmo to handle the chaos of a baby and the stress of school. Adam hated infants, it had taken months for him to learn how to tolerate their screams when tourists brought them to the observatory.

         Nigel had to choose, and in the end, the choice was less painful than he imagined. A real life with Adam was better than the fantasy with Gabi. He had gotten his big family in the end with a little help from Bev and Darko. Nigel promised himself he’d give Clea all the love he could. And if Bev and Darko kept up at this pace, there would probably be one or two more Dalca babies to spoil in a few years. That would be enough, more than enough.

         “Here we go.” Nigel tapped at Clea’s back, just like Bev had shown him. He still had an irrational fear that he was going to hurt her. “There’s your mom and dad, when you’re older, I’m going to teach you how to spot assholes so you don’t end up with a fucker like Darko or me, ok? There they are at their wedding – that’s me and your uncle Jimmy in the pool behind him. I’ll tell you why he’s holding my pants when you’re older. There’s Uncle Adam at his work, looking at the stars. I know he doesn’t seem to like you now, but you just fucking wait. You’re going to have the best goddamn science projects when you’re at school. I promise he’ll fall in love with you the second you stop shitting yourself, my darling. There we all are on our trip up to Big Bear. Your fucking father nearly took a hand off chopping wood. He’ll tell you it was my fault, but you listen to your Nigel, OK? And there? That’s your bunică. She’s beautiful, huh? She saved my life, you know. So did your Dad, but you don’t fucking tell him that, alright? Oh, and the man with her is Harlan. He’s a fucker and you promise me you’ll puke on him when they come to visit next month.”

         Clea belched, then spit up. Nigel chuckled, wiping at the baby’s mouth.

         “That’s my girl. Practice now.”

         “It’s not nice to train her to vomit on command.” Adam scolded as he sat plates on the table. “And Harlan has been very good to Constanța, they have a very fulfilling sex life.”

         Nigel closed his eyes and focused on not gripping the baby too hard. He filled a red balloon and let it go. “Adam, we’ve talked about that.”

         Adam rolled his eyes. “I think it’s good that Harlan’s concerned about Constanța’s orgasms. You wouldn’t want her with someone who disregarded her pleasure for their own, would you? Same with Clea, we want her to find a partner who-”

         “If I tell you you’re right, will you please never ever talk about this again?”

         Adam’s mouth thinned, but he nodded, spooning mac n cheese on plates.

                                                  

* * *

****

         Jen knocked on the apartment door, preparing her best customer service smile as she reached to free the pizza from her insulated carrier. With a sigh she knocked again, there were laughing and bumping noises on the other side of the door. She waited as a delighted shriek and more shuffling wafted out from inside the apartment.

         The door banged open. A giant man stood before her, completely naked except for a moving comforter that was flung over his shoulder and just barely draped over his groin. Jen startled when she realized the comforter was in fact the backside of a blanket-wrapped woman, who laughed as she kicked her legs. The man tightened his grip on the woman, smacking her on the ass.

         “Uh…that’ll be-”

         “Here.” The man shoved a wad of bills at Jen and snatched the pizza. “Keep it.”

         He twirled on his heel, slamming the door. Jen was able to glimpse a guffawing woman dangling just over his bare ass, who waved as the door closed. Jen looked at her hands, he’d given her three $20 and a $50. Fuck, she loved the weird customers.

                                                  

* * *

         Nigel had to marvel at Clea’s lung capacity. He had no idea a baby could wail for so long. She’d started halfway through dinner and seemed to have decided that nothing in the world would appease her. Her diaper was dry. She’d been fed. She wanted nothing to do with her toys or Nigel’s hair.

         Some babies, apparently, just wanted the world to burn.

         As the baby continued to scream in his ear, Nigel tried to calm it and Adam, who was rocking softly and frantically tapping his fingers.

         “I-I was supposed t-to write more tonight, Nigel. T-the paper-”

         “I know gorgeous, I know.” Nigel tried to project over Clea’s wails but the baby just got louder. Adam was two years into the UCLA program and on track to graduate early and take over the world according to his professors. Still, Adam got nervous when his academic schedule was challenged. “I’ll take her into the bedroom and shut the door. I’ll have her asleep in no time, I promise, darling.”

         Adam frowned at the baby. “There’s no reason for this.”

         Clea screamed, flailing at Adam and whacking Nigel on the chin.

         “This is why I don’t like babies. They’re so unreasonable!”

         “Funny,” Nigel smirked, resigned to the fact that his right ear drum was probably a lost cause. “Some of my favorite things are unreasonable.”

         Adam rolled his eyes. “I know you’re talking about me. Take her into the other room and please try to make her quiet.”

         “You keep studying gorgeous, I’ve got the little wailer.” Nigel walked toward the bedroom, gently bouncing Clea as he moved. He sat with her on the bed. He tried making faces. He tried rocking. He tried praying. Clea was unmoved.

         “You’ve got to put a fucking sock in it or your Uncle Adam is going to show you what a real fucking fit looks like,” Nigel cooed. He glanced at his phone. If he called Darko, he’d never hear the end of it. If he didn’t shut up Clea, Adam was going to lose it. With a sigh, he grabbed the phone.

         “Hello?” Nigel grimaced. “Hello? Speak up! What’s all that noise?”

         Nigel rolled his eyes. “Hello Harlan, I need Constanța.”

         “Nigel? Jesus! What the hell is going on there?”

         “Constanța! Now!”

         “Baby! It’s Nigel. Does he still beat people up or something? You should hear what’s going on in the background.”

         “Oh, give me the phone you stupid old man! Nigel? NIGEL! What’s wrong?” Before Nigel could open his mouth, Constanța made a humming noise. “Ah, I see you have Clea for the night, eh?”

         Nigel laid the baby on the bed gently rubbing her stomach as he pushed the phone to his only working ear. “You have to help me. She’s not wet, she’s not hungry, she’s not hurt. I think she just hates us. I need to get her to shut up or Adam’s going to lose it.”

         “Phillip was just like her. He screamed like that when he got tired, and whenever his Papa and I tried to make love. God, that was a long year…” Nigel made a face, but remained silent. He needed her help. “OK, I have an idea you just do what I say, alright?”

* * *

         Bev stretched languidly, feeling Darko grunt and shift beneath her. They were currently sprawled on the floor next to the couch, their expensive duvet smeared with marinara and crust crumbles. They hadn’t made it to the bed, and most of the pizza hadn’t made it to their mouths, but it was one of the best nights Bev could remember. She turned to kiss Darko, laughing when she spotted a pepperoni stuck to his neck. She bit it off with a teasing grin.

         “Nghnn, I don’t think I can go again,” Darko groaned.

         “Good, old man, because we have to get cleaned up and grab the rugrat. Adam probably hates us by now.” She sat up, surveying the disaster of food and sex that swirled around their bodies with smug satisfaction.

         “Nigel’s probably got her watching football, calling the refs cunts. She’s fine.”

         “Phillip Dalca, are you telling me you don’t miss our child?”

         Darko sat up with a grimace. “No. I’m telling you that after that last round I can’t fucking move my legs.”

         Bev kissed his brow, picking some cheese out of her hair. “Get up, big guy. Let’s go rescue the Rakis from our brat.”

* * *

         Adam glowered at them the second the door opened. He sat on the sofa, surrounded by star charts, reports, and books, a laptop perched on his knees. “Your daughter is loud and she smells like stale milk!”

         Bev and Darko looked at each other for a long moment, then shrugged.

         “Yeah, pretty much,” said Bev. “But I hear it gets better after potty training.”

         “You’ll like her in a few years,” assured Darko. “Probably.”

         “I suppose.” Adam allowed. “When do you think she’ll be better?”

         “Honestly? If she doesn’t quit the screaming shit before she turns two, we’ll just sell her to the circus and try again,” Bev deadpanned.

         “The circus isn’t allowed to take elephants anymore, so I don’t think they’ll take babies.”

         “There’s always eBay,” Darko mumbled. “Speaking of our little darling, where is she? You didn’t chuck her off the balcony or anything did you?”

         “No!” Adam looked horrified, then realization hit. “Oh, you’re teasing. I sent Nigel into the bedroom with her an hour ago.”

         “Did you hear that, Phil? Our daughter’s in the bedroom with Nigel!” Bev smirked. Darko grimaced, then held a warning finger to her nose.

         “Don’t. This was such a good night. Don’t fucking do that.” She bit his finger and skipped by him. She came running out a few moments later, a wide smile on her face.

         “Phone! I need a phone now!” Darko tossed her his Samsung and followed as she padded back to the bedroom. Curious, Adam sat his laptop aside and trailed after his friends.

         Nigel was laying on the bed, propped up with a few pillows, Clea sound asleep on his bare chest. He gently stroked the peach fuzz on her scalp, occasionally trailing down to rub her back. She snuggled further into him, little hands toying with the hair she found as she snuffled. In a soft, deep voice, Nigel sang.

_Culca-te, puiut micut,_  
_Culca-te si te abua_  
_Pâna mâine-n dalba ziua._  
_Si te culca si adormi  
_ _Pâna mâine-n dalbe zori._

_Doina din ce s-o facut?_  
_Dintr-o gura de mic prunc._  
_L-o lasat maica dormind,  
_ _L-o aflat doina zicând._

_Abua – bua – bua,_  
_Abua, tucu-l maica,_  
_Nu te teme tu de zmei,  
_ _I-a goni maica pe ei._

_Puisor cu ochi de mure,_  
_Maica-i dusa la padure,_  
_Ti-a aduce gatejoare  
_ _Si ti-a face scovergioare._

         Bev held the phone steady, filming. Darko dipped his head, grinning at his shoes. Adam watched curiously. He still didn’t like the baby, but he wouldn’t mind taking her place on that strong chest.

        “Pssst…Nigel. Smile!” Bev whispered, catching Nigel’s attention as she switched the phone to photo mode. He offered her a toothy grin as the camera snapped. After a few more clicks, Bev pocketed the phone and strode to the bed. Nigel pressed a kiss to Clea’s head before easing her into Bev’s arms.

        “She bitches like her father, but thank fuck she’s as pretty as her mother.” Nigel grumbled, but his eyes were smiling. Darko flipped him off as he grabbed the baby bag.

        “Well, any time you want to come over and put loud mouth to bed, you let me know,” Bev said. “Who knew you were the Romanian baby whisperer?”

        “I called Constanța, she knew what to do.” Nigel stretched before turning to Darko. “Apparently you were a real little fucker when you were a baby, too.”

        “I KNEW IT!” Bev hissed, trying her best to keep the volume of her accusation from waking the baby.

        “Lies.” Darko glared.

        “Whatever,” Bev rolled her eyes. “Thanks, you guys, for monster-sitting. I promise we won’t ask you to do it too often.”

        “Any time,” said Nigel.

        “Sometimes,” corrected Adam.

        Bev chuckled and pressed a kiss to Adam’s cheek.

        As Darko and Bev shut the door, Adam felt warm arms wrap around him and a familiar weight as Nigel rested his chin on Adam’s shoulder. A few nibbling kisses made him shiver as Nigel teased his neck.

         “You survived babysitting, gorgeous.” Nigel murmured into the skin, sliding his hand south over Adam’s chest. “I think that calls for a reward, don’t you?”

         “You’re very good with her,” Adam said, melting slightly into Nigel’s caresses. “But I don’t- I’m not- I don’t think I’ll ever-”

         “Don’t worry gorgeous, I don’t want one of those.” Nigel sucked lightly on the join of Adam’s shoulder.

         “Good.” Adam shifted in Nigel’s arms so he could trail his hands through the older man’s chest hair, tugging lightly.

         “But…um, how would you feel about expanding our family another way?” Nigel asked, eyes dancing.

         Adam froze in Nigel’s arms. He pulled back, face stern. “I don’t want a polyamorous relationship, Nigel.”

         “Jesus, Adam!” Nigel scoffed, running a hand through his hair. “I meant get a fucking dog.”

         Adam immediately fell back into Nigel’s arms, bright smile on his face. “Oh, ok. One condition.”

         “What?”

         “You have to sing it Romanian folk songs every time it gets upset and howls.” Adam grinned and took off for the bedroom, a laughing Nigel hot on his heels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END.  
> Clea was named after Clea Koff, who is an amazing forensic anthropologist, and Bev probably has her book, like I do. 
> 
> The pic of the baby in the photo collage was 'shopped by the awesome Mwuahna, because she is the best. 
> 
> I know I said this was the end, but I have some time stamps in mind (Both stuff I left out in the series and stuff that happens later when Clea grows up) if you guys are interested. And I love this 'verse, so if you have a prompt, let me know, and I'll be happy to write it. Thank you all for reading.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Translations:**  
>  _nenorocitule_ \- motherfucker   
> _Ce pusca mea_ \- What the fuck?


End file.
